Baby N's mom showed up to the visit with his grandparents. She changed his clothes, so I guess she didn't like how I dressed him, but I did make effort to have him dressed nice. Court date is July 26, and judge will decide whether or not he remains in custody(I was hoping that would be the date to determine whether or not he would terminate rights).

A male co-worker asks how long we were TTC before adopting(although I'm not sure why I allowed myself to get into this conversation). When I said 2 years, he said I jumped the gun and it wasn't that long. He then proceeded to tell me his wife was driving him crazy during the whole 4 months it took them to get pregnant, and how she was mad that she got pg for the second one 10 days off BCP! That's really what I wanted to hear this morning.

I guess when you're adopting, Infertility is stamped in bright red on your forehead. I'm more open now than 2 years ago. What I thought was private, is no longer private when you suffer infertility. Even your sex life becomes casual conversation because you're discussing trying to create babies.

I feel like a previously infertile pg woman. I want to get excited, but fear and guilt keep me from being beaming happy. I am afraid that baby N will be returned home. I feel guilty and like I'm stealing him from his mommy. I wonder when he will really feel like he's mine(although he's not legally). I feel guilty praying we get to keep him. I feel funny when people ask me about my son, because I so desperately wish he was now.

I guess all these feelings are normal, and as Julie said, part of what I signed up for.

First Gray Hair

Well, baby N scared the shit out of me Sunday night for the first, and probably not the last time. About an hour after feeding him, he threw up everything. He got it all out and I didn't have to suction him, but I was shaking the rest of the night.

I called foster mom to see when I should try feeding him again since he seemed to have lost all I fed him. She said to wait until he's screaming to eat. He wasn't sick, it's just tricky with the feeding tube because he can't just reject food when he's not hungry like a bottle.

I got a nasty little cold again, yuck! I think baby N is getting one too, but since he recently got off antibiotics, poor little thing has to suffer.

This baby can sleep. I tried to wake him up, so I sat him up on the couch and he crashed back out to sleep.

I won't go into too much more details, but the whole weekend revolved around baby N (as usual). I tried to post yesterday but baby N was not about to share me with the computer.

Anyway, I dressed him all cutesy to go see his mom this morning, which she should be visiting him this very moment. I wonder if she showed up?

My family adored baby N. My grandma and a couple aunts stopped by my mom's house to give him snuggles. That was a break because my mom took care of him all day and I got a little rest.

I didn't get a chance to go to babies r' us like I wanted. Maybe next weekend.

It's amazing the things you loved before but gladly sacrifice for your baby, sleep being the biggest one. Even when he wakes me up a hell of a lot earlier than I'd like, I just pick him up, give him kisses, and praise God that I have him (and pray deeply that I get to keep him).

We Found a Bed...Sort Of

Thanks Foster Mommy, for suggesting this:

Amby Baby Hammock

I think this will make a great bed for baby N. It's kinda expensive, bu I'm hinting at my husband to let me order it anyway. I wish there was a way to put it on my registry. Maybe I can put a bug in my mom's ear. It could be birthday, Christmas, L's birthday, L's Christmas present. Baby stuff has gotten a lot more expensive since the last time I could go baby shower shopping without bursting into tears.

After hunting all over the internet, this is probably the most comfortable option for baby N. I'm gonna start buttering up my dear husband. I'm gonna have to do a good job trying to convince him to pack the 4 of us up and go to my mom's in Baton Rouge. When we get there, I want to go baby shopping.

So, how do you butter up your hubby to get what you want?

Now That's a Birthday Present

Here's the official news on baby N:

He moves into our home permanently on June 2! The only reason it will be that long is cause the nurse(s) can't start until June 5. My 27th Birthday is June 8. Our 3 year anniversary is June 15.

Before everyone gets disappointed, we are picking him up again Friday for the long 3 day holiday weekend. We are taking him to the baby store in Baton Rouge for supplies. How exciting it's gonna be baby shopping for an actual baby. I may register while I'm there too.

Baby N gets to meet Nanna, Papa, and Aunt Jeanne this weekend! He will get lots of hugs kisses and cuddles.

In other good news, L passed the postal service exam and there are openings in our area (and he knows the postmaster well). God may be letting things fall into place to be a stay at home mommy! I sure hope so. Of course, I may not get to blog as often since I blog mostly at work before work and at lunch, but I'll try and slip in posts at naptime.

That's about all that's happening with me.

It's probably not proper to post this, but since GLouise asked, here is the link to my registry:

Baby Registry

I posted this as sort of a shopping list only! Please don't go and spend money. Everyone's support here has been more than any gift money could buy, besides, I'd rather everyone spend the money on yourselves to get pregnant. I mainly created it to show L to get an idea of the type of stuff we need that we do not have yet. I will add to it this weekend when we visit a more civilized town that has a babies r us.

What I would like to ask, if ya'll are not feeling too bad today, is to review the list, and tell me what I am missing. Like I said, this is like a shopping list to us and I don't want to forget something important. Diapers, formula and wipes are not on there, but I know I need them.

So if you have time, and it won't upset you (and you are absolutely sure it won't upset you), review my list, and tell me in my comments something like "hey, dumbass, you forgot..." Ok, maybe not like that but you get the idea.

Do not go snooping at baby stuff if you recently had a crappy cycle. I know it's tempting, like peeing on a stick, but stay away if you are feeling sad.

Baby/Adoption Shower

It's finally my turn. I was mentioning all the baby stuff I needed to my mom and she asked if I'd like a baby shower. I said yes, of course. She was gonna wait until the adoption was finalized, but I need baby stuff NOW. She's gonna call my aunts and grandmas and set it up for a couple of weeks! Here's the deal though: if I do a shower now, I won't have another if/when I get pregnant. I told her I'm fine with that. I may never get pregnant, but I will get another baby placement(possibly a newborn) sometime in the future. It's sad, but they have been pulling babies like crazy. They drug test the moms at the hospital and if they test positive, they place the baby into foster care.

Anyway, I think I'll probably cry at the shower, at the termination hearing(whichever decision is made), and the most at the adoption. The shower will be a good time for everyone to meet baby N and kiss on his fat little cheeks!

It's nice to get to have something so special, a baby shower, like normal fertile people get to have. Adoption really can help heal infertility. The pain is almost gone. Parenting is what is important to me. There's still gonna be the fear of losing him, but we have a very good chance of adopting him. His mom is going before the same judge with a 3rd child in the system, so he will not be happy to see her again.

Keep baby N in your prayers.

3 Mommies

Thanks for the baby stuff suggestions and keep them coming if you have any more. I know I'm being selfish, but it's so unfair. If I were fertile I would have had a baby shower and would have had 9 months to collect baby stuff. I have one week. Thank God for my dear mother who is picking up little things here and there. Just remember(for those of you who are new readers), because of his cleft lip and severe cleft palette, he can't lay flat for long periods of time. He has to stay inclined in case he spits up.


Now, back to my original thought. I'm still having trouble believing that baby N will becoming to live with us and an even harder time believing that we may be able to adopt him. I am introducing myself as "mommy" and it feels so wierd and unreal. Will he ever feel like my son, or am I just in disbelief that I will finally (probably) have a baby very soon.

As of right now, baby N has 3 "mommies." Biological mommy, foster mommy and me. All of us love him dearly (even biological mommy, she just cannot care for him). I told L I wanted him to bring pictures to his mom every other visit. I feel bad for biological mom to have to lose such a precious kid.

Should baby N come up for adoption (which he should) we have a lot of things to seriously consider after the adoption:

1. Should we keep in contact with foster mom? I'm thinking yes. She took care of him the first 6 months of his life, and why turn down a potential babysitter or someone who knows more about him than me?

2. Should we allow visits with Grandma (mom's mother) after the adoption? I would love to say yes, but not feeling good about it now. She adopted baby N's 2 older sisters, but couldn't taken every other kid her daughter popped out. I am in agreement to sending pictures with letters saying how he is doing. I am not gonna make the adoption a secret, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to see his biological family until he gets older. (I'm sure I will here it from some of you in my comments, so if I'm wrong by this, put me in my place). At this point, I'm considering visits at a public place if she can be known as Mrs. whoever or aunt, but not grandma. I don't want to have to explain why he can't go live with his grandma and sisters.

Let me know your thoughts on connections with biological extended family after adoption? I'd really like to know.

Baby Stuff?

I know many of you will not feel comfortable talking about baby supplies but those of you who can, I need your help.

Here's what I have:
-swing
-infant carseat/stroller
-2 stuffed animal toys
-portable bed/play pen
-1 pack wash clothes/hooded towels
-4-5 outfits
-one pack onesies
-crib matress and sheets
-one blanket

Things I need (please feel free to add any I missed):

-next size car seat
-more blankets
-burp clothes/bibs
-pouch carrier (to help me hold him and have free hands
-something better for baby N to sleep in, but where he can sleep inclined.

Please start adding more in my comments. I have to go to work now. He needs some toys like walkers, jumpers, etc, so he can start learning to sit up and crawl too.

Relaxing

Wow! Baby N is SERIOUSLY spoiled. He did sleep through both nights (though he slept very loudly), but when he was awake, there was no putting him down. Spoiled to the arm he is. I tried to post earlier today, but baby N put me in my place soon after I turned on the computer. I don't know how single moms do it. They are my heros now!

What I learned this weekend: Please don't mis-interpret this as coplaiming, I LOVED every minute of it.

1. How people lose their pregancy weight. You don't have time to eat tending to a baby.

2. Babies make a lot of noise when they sleep, so even if they sleep through the night, you won't.

3. The feeding tube is more difficult than the nurse made it seem. It takes both of us to operate, because the part that plugs into the peg in his tummy doesn't lock. When baby N squirms, formula goes everywhere.

4. A little one triples your laundry. Especially after a couple feedings mentioned in #3.

5. You don't have to wake them to feed them. God bless foster mom for telling me that Friday evening before we put baby N to bed.

6. Baby N was ten times more exhausting than Jack and Jill, and I have to chase Jack and Jill when I watch them.

7. You wake up in the morning practically sleep walking, while trying to lug an 18+ pound baby around the house.

8. You and your husband have to work as a team.

9. A quite bath can really re-energize you into a normal person again.

10. The weekend visit red-tape was a good plan on the state's part. I really got an idea of how we need to plan to handle things when he moves in permanantly. I definately got to experience the good and bad sides of baby N. Foster mom said I was lucky he slept through the night. I agree.

11. Though I'm terribly exhausted and will be going to bed very early tonight, I loved it! Every second of it!

12. I'm glad baby N is six months, and not newborn. They sleep better in the night with age I guess.

13. I enjoyed him so much, I already forgot how exhausting he was and want him back for more!

What I love about baby N:

1. He loves to cuddle.

2. His smile. It's funny looking with the messed up mouth and it's so cute.

3. The way he demands my attention.

4. The way he cries, then stops when I pick him up.

5. The way he already has me wrapped around his little finger.

6. The way he brought L and I closer. There was no sadness this weekend. Only the two of us working together to keep this baby alive (in the nurse's note's, the word "death" was used in explaining his procedure for if he started spitting up).


And , most of all:

7. HE COULD BE OUR SON ONE DAY! Of course, that brings the fear of him returning home, but we're taking the risk.

We brought baby N home around 2:30. Though I miss him, I'm glad for the break as we get our home more prepared to take him again next weekend, either permanantly or for a second visit.

The hadest thing about baby N is that he cannot sleep in his own room. I didn't think I'd ever sleep with all the noise he made, but I was exhausted enough last night to sleep.

Wow! Sorry everyone. I should have divided this into 3 separate posts. Oh well.

A Gift for All of You

I really should be using this time to nap, but I'm not that smart. Baby N slept from about 9:30-6am and through 2 feedings, which foster mom said you didn't have to wake him to eat. We did not sleep at all. Baby N sleeps loud, but what a lovely thing to wake up to.

He is spoiled! ROTTEN!! and spoiled to the arm!

Ok, here's the deal, I'm gonna post a pic since his face is kinda hidden, but won't keep it up here long (only until I chicken out). Here's a quick peak. If it's deleted when you read this, leave your email in my comments and if I know you well, I will email it to you, but look at it, then delete it. Sorry I'm paranoid.



Gonna catch a quick nap now. That's if baby N doesn't wake up.

Ok, I viewed the pic after I published and feel better cause you can't really see his face. Sorry everyone, that's the most I feel safe posting for now. After TPR, I will post or email lots of pics.

Hurry Up 5:00!!

L has baby N. It's official. He picked him up at 1:00 and now am impatiently waiting for 5:00 so that I can go home and cuddle him.

An hour and a half to go!

The Prize

For the last two fun-filled years of my life we've endured the following, well 3 actually:

- Dec 2003L's surgery to fix male factor infertility (semi-successful)

- Feb 2004 L's cocky urologist telling me to get off the BCP before I was ready to have children(before I found a good job and a house), because worst case scenerio was I get pg.

-May 2004 - L says he's ready for children. It didn't take anymore convincing to me!

-Late May 2004 - Throw away BCP

-July 2004 - CD36 and no period. Get excited, do 2 pee sticks, negative. See doctor who does pg test which is negative, of course. Start prometrium and get period.

-August 2004 -L's urologist/male infertility doctor suggests using ovulation test strips and coming in for an IUI when we get a positive.

-October 2004 - first failed IUI

-November 2004 - see first RE, 2nd failed IUI cycle

-Januaray 2005 - see child on TV available for adoption. L calls and attends meeting on foster care/adoption. Could not yet be certified because haven't been married 2 years yet.

-February 2005 - 3rd failed IUI cycle. RE wants to do HSG. We didn't want to be out $700, so I go see OB/Gyn.

-March-June 2005 - several failed clomid cycles. Bloodwork showed ovulation.

-July 2005 - Cough up the money for HSG. Tubes are wide open.

-September 2005 - see new Dr. in Houston. Schedules Lap because he believed my irregular bleeding was due to endometriosis.

-October 13, 2005 - Laproscopy/hysterscopy surgury. Endometriosis found and cyst on one ovary.

-November 15, 2005 - take 3 month lupron injection for Endo and go into 3 month menopause.

-December 2005 - L's friend gets call to take 3 week old baby N. We talk to social worker and see if we can take him and get certified immediately. Not able to happen. We call and start the certification process.

-February 18, 2006 - First MAPP class

-February 20, 2006 - first consult with Dr. New Orleans. Lupron still in system, wait another month before starting treatment.

-March 18, 2006 - Last MAPP class.

-March 20, 2006 - see RE again. Still no period. Decides to do injectible cycle with follistim. L not in agreement so we cancel the cycle on the way home.

-March 20-30, 2006 - Learn that baby N is still available and in a foster home but in need of adoptive resource home.

-April 2006
*presentation meeting for baby N
* 2 visits and several weekend visits with baby N cancelled.
*4/28 - first visit with baby N.

-May 2006
* 3rd - last meeting with home development worker
*18th - visit with baby N and learn suction machine
*19-21st - First weekend visit with baby N (finally)!

All the torture, pain, depression sadness.

All the red tape, tears and disappointments. . .

But today, seeing baby N, him greeting me again with another poopy diaper.

Holding and cuddling him. Calming and rocking him to sleep as he got cranky.

Baby N sound asleep in my arms.

Our first weekend visit tomorrow, with what may be our future son (and the visit has been approved).

Was it worth it? All the pain, sadness, invasion of privacy, red tape, anger, irritation....

HELL YEAH IT WAS!!!




We do it all for the prize, for the precious baby we all long for.

This will be baby N's bed. He has to sleep inclined for now. Tomorrow this very swing should have an actual baby in it!

After tomorrow morning, you may not hear from me until Monday, unless I'm just dying to write about baby N while he is napping.

This is really happening. . .

Weekend Visit

Tomorrow after the family meeting, we meet foster mom at the office and she will either teach us the machine there or follow us home and teach us. If we are comfortable, we(hopefully) get to take baby N for the weekend.

Social worker says if foster mom does not arrange to meet and drop off baby N Friday afternoon, she will have to go get him on her day off.

We'll see what actually happens tomorrow.

Maybe Next Week

Social worker is on leave today, out of town tomorrow and off Friday. L will probably call her cell phone later.

They wanted to move him before the family team conference, which is tomorrow, when the birth mom will be told about us. We were told not to attend.

I guess they don't need to move him that badly.

Trying to Stay Healthy

L was sick last night. Don't know if it was the stomach bug or he was so stressed he made himself sick(it has happened before). The bug is going around again, and I pray desperately that we escape it. It's not so much the vomiting (which sucks bad), but I have fainting spells when I catch it and they scare the shit out of me. I fainted 3 times in one night the last time I caught it a couple years ago.

I pray L was just stressed and feels better today after a day off to relax, which he desperately needs.

The last thing I need is for both of us to get sick when they may finally decide to move baby N to our home. I told So Young don't touch anyone or anything at school and wash your hands a lot!

L is supposed to call social worker about baby N if they need to move him so badly like they say they do. I'll post more when I know more.

Family Visits

Social worker has scheduled family visits for baby N every other Wednesday morning for the next 6 months.

Wow!

Do we pick up baby N from foster mom's house, bring him to the visit, then bring him back or will he actually be placed in our home soon.

We're still going in circles a bit. Social worker wants to move him and is back on the trip of calling foster mom to set up a time to learn how to use his suction machine. She knows foster mom is impossible to get in touch with. Social worker is out of town Thursday and off Friday, so once again, we are running out of week. She needs to just pick up the baby, schedule an appointment with a nurse to show us how to operate the machine and move him already!!

Oh yeah, I guess that's too easy.

The waiting continues.

I'll keep you posted as I know more.

Oh yeah, I know everyone's probably DYING to see pictures of baby N. I have pictures now, just technically don't have rights to him yet. I don't think it's a good idea to post them here, but I may do a post asking for everyone's email and send pictures that way for those of you I know well.

If he were mine, you'd be sick of looking at his pictures because I would be posting them all the time. I just have to be careful.

Moving

Here's the current procedure on baby N:

1. Have foster mom visit and show how to use suction machine.

2. Baby N spends one overnight visist during this week.

3. Baby N spends the weekend.

4. Baby N moves permananently next week.

Ok, I need to stop and breathe. I'm gonna have a hell of a time getting away from work this week. One of the hurricane Katrina parishes is in desparate need for money, so we have a sales tax audit this week.

Joy!

I'm pulling reports from 2002.

I told L that he is gonna have to learn suction machine. I will have to take an extended lunch, hurry home and learn machine, then hurry back to work.

Bio mom is being told she's being staffed for termination Thursday at the family team conference, so social worker does not want us there.

Her supervisor wants to move baby N this week because this has drug on too long already(you think)!

Help!!

Why couldn't they have done this weeks ago when I had more flexibilty at work.

Pray everything falls into place.

No Baby

You would think my lack of posting meant I was enjoying my time with baby N.

Wrong.

What a tease. We couldn't even get in touch with foster mom this weekend. Why did she tell L she'd like me to have him for Mother's Day and then back out?

I've managed to keep myself cooped up today. Made a good, huge pot of seafood gumbo, took a quick trip to the store, then tried to forget it was Mother's Day.

What a depressing weekend. I'm going back to nap the rest of the day away.

I'll catch up with everyone again tomorrow.

He Is In Control

I can definately, without a doubt, say that the news I received yesterday was NOT a sign from God. In fact, I think it came from down below.

L was coaching last night and said the following prayer:

God,

I'm really stressed out right now. If we are supposed to take baby N, and he's gonna be ok, I need a sign, and I need it QUICK!

A couple seconds later his cell phone rings. It's baby N's foster mom. She said she didn't know what the nurse told us, but they said the same things about baby N's older sisters and they are really smart.

She assured him that she was sure baby N would be just fine. She's had over 300 foster kids over 20 years and has never been as comfortable about an adoption as she is with us. She said the doctors really don't know, and always give the worst case scenerio.

She explained that since she lives with baby N, and observes his behaviors, she feels he is on target. He watches TV. He is trying to talk. He is trying to sit on his own.

She said it is perfectly normal to be scared, and I would really like for Lisa to have baby N for Mother's Day. She said to call her tonight and she would try to bring him tomorrow, show us how to use the machine, and if we were comfortable, she would pick him up Monday!

She made a plan and said she's gonna tell the state how we are going to work this (and they will listen to her). She wants to start bringing him for visits and slowly move him in until we are 100% sure we are ready. She also said she will keep an opening available until we are certain we can handle him.

So, big, bad, foster mom has come to the rescue! The social worker was right. She is not trying to keep baby N, but is just protective of the children in our house. She felt at ease at how well baby N took to us.

That's why I was feeling like shit yesterday. I was trying to back out of my responsibility and justify it, when deep down, I knew there was no way they could know this early that he would not be able to function on his own.

Perhaps I was being selfish. I was definately being stubborn, because I would not hear L out at all yesterday.

How come I pray for weeks for an answer and all I get is static and confusion, but L prays and BAM! an answer!

I am glad I wrote those negative posts, although, I will obviously leave them out of the baby book. It helped me lay out my fears and concerns. I was wrong. I was scared. I'm still scared, but now I feel like I really have the Lord's blessing on this adoption, so I can breathe easier and do my best to be obedient and I know He will provide.

I do pray that this is God's "Final Answer" regarding baby N. I know ya'll have got to want to slap me and say "make up your mind already." Hopefully, I won't be tossed around anymore. The Nail biting continues...

Oh yeah, how could I forget? After 5 1/2 months gone, AF has finally returned.

Bad News

I spoke to the nurse about Baby N's genetic results.

He has a chromosome 15 abnormality on 100% of his genes. The mom has it on 50%, he will be a lot worse off than his mom, who can't care for herself too well.

The nurse said he will probably have to live with us forever.

I was concerned about all the surgeries, told L I don't mind learning problems or disablity, but I couldn't knowingly take a child that wouldn't be able to live on his own. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't throw away a child I had, but I don't think I have the strength to go out of my way to adopt a child with such needs.

Let me tell you...I feel TERRIBLE, abosolutly TERRIBLE. I feel like I let him down and a failure. I've been near tears all day, but deep in my heart, I just don't feel it's fair to baby N. He needs a mommy and daddy who doesn't have second thoughts.

Given the choice of me feeling terrible or baby N feeling terrible, I choose to take the pain. I hope God understands my shortcomings.

L and I are gonna discuss it more this weekend. L wants to take him for a weekend, but I do not think it will be a good idea. I'm afraid the joy of "having a baby around" will cloud our judgement.

I feel unworthy to be a mom. I hope L comes to understand and forgive me. I hope God forgives me and takes care of baby N.

I feel so selfish, but deep down, I know my limits at the same time.

This May Work Out After All

Overall Baby N's genetics results came back through. No major life threatening illnesses. Social worker told me to call his nurse so she can explain it better. After I talk to the nurse, and am ok or not ok with what she tells us, we call her back and let her know we still want him. Our nurse is supposedly training with his nurse right now.

Bio mom has moved back into the state. Baby N's doctor gave her lots of bad news yesterday:

He is writing in his file that she is not capable of caring for baby N.

She should not have any more children because she is unable to take care of them. If she does, he recommends them coming into state care immediately. I know it's selfish, but if she gets pregnant again, there's a good chance we'll have a baby brother or sister for baby N.

Family team conference is May 18. Social worker is not yet sure if she wants us to come because he mom doesn't know about us yet. She is talking to her supervisor to see if she should move him right before or right after the meeting. So, God willing, we're looking at having him in our home next week. I'm just gonna stay out of it and let it fall into place or fall apart.

We'll see what actually happens.

Stressed

As so much crap is going on in my life so, I remember the following assvice:

"When you stop trying, stop thinking about it you'll get pregnant."

We'll see. I'm sure to prove them wrong.

Work is busy.

L's plate is overloaded with work, grass cutting and baseball.

I'm SICK of doing English projects and homework.

My insurance company informed me that they were cancelling our policy (and everyone else's in South Louisiana) and writing it through LA Citizen's plan or something, which I think it will be written through the state. Good luck if we have to make a claim.

Our premium doubled, although we didn't make a claim on either hurricane.

Our deductible more than doubled, which kept our premiums from trippling. Worst part is, they probably still had a profit last year.

I just wanna take L and run away for a while and relax, just the two of us.

Lord, Show me the Way

Baby N's social worker called this morning. He has an appointment with a genetics doctor tomorrow and said we could come if his mom decides not to. I told her there's no way I could get out of work, but please forward the results to me.

Please pray for baby N that he doesn't have any genetic problems or mental problems. He has enough on his plate and doesn't need anymore bad news.

Foster mom found a nurse in our area interesed in working with baby N. Social worker wants her to train with his current nurse and then come over to train us on his equipment.

I said I was putting baby N in God's hands, so that includes me being open to the placement if it's in His will. The big question is, "how will I know?" I'm not good at reading signs, although L encouraging me not to give up on the placement is a sign, right?

When I wrote my doubting post, I know it was mostly out of anger and frustration. I thought if I just "gave up" the idea of baby N, I could somehow move on and feel better. It worked for a whole 2 hours, til L came home that night, and was disappointed, to say it lightly, about my decision. Maybe it was God's way of saying that I don't get to make the decision of whether or not to accept the placement and that He will.

I'm nervous about the genetic results...Will they find more wrong with him? Will we find out things that we may not be able to handle? Will the results make us re-think the placement? At least I was a "good girl" and waited for the state to make the next move. I will let them make the calls from now on, and trust that God will lead me to the right decision for both us and baby N.

God,
Please guide me. I want to do Your will. Please let me know soon, for sure, if you want me to step up and parent baby N. If it is not Your will, I put it in Your hands to make sure the placement will only happen if You approve.
Amen

I Can't Deal With This Now

It's our favorite time of the year....Mother's Day is fast approaching.

Just when you think infertility can't be any worse, you are robbed of the joy you used to have for planning that special day for your mother. I know I must enter the Mother's Day card aisle, but it's gonna be painful, like baby showers.

I don't think I'm gonna step out of the house Sunday, not even for church (ok, maybe for church).

Will I ever be a mommy? Not a host mother. Not a foster mother, but have my own biological or adopted baby?

I now a couple of my blog friends got some bad news recently and my hearts and prayers are with them. If baby N were the right placement (which I'm doubting because of all the trouble they are giving me), he should be living with me now.

I know I have not waited long compared to some of you. I know I will eventually get a placement and hopefully be able to adopt. I have just about lost hope of getting pregnancy other than a miracle from God. Pregnancy has become an idea like winning the lottery. I hope I get pregnant. I pray I get pregnant, but it doesn't feel like a realistic hope (although we are considered, "sub-fertile", not sterile).

I'm ready to do something bigger. Something like IVF or private adoption, although they both still terrify me at the moment. I'm sure I'll warm up to the idea, just like I did to adoption.

If nothing else, I hope at least one person who reads this blog understands why it's not so easy to "just adopt." Our homestudy isn't complete yet, so I don't know when we will even get on the computer where we will get a placement call without our file saying "homestudy pending." Our only hope is that L's friend is certified and will refer all baby placements to us (they already have 2 grown kids, plus a boy they are trying to adopt). That's the thing that's really bugging me. I turned in all our paperwork, now the state is dragging ass on finishing our homestudy so we can get "fully certified."

Crack seems to make you pretty fertile. Crack whores get to me "mothers."

It's just so wrong that we have to spend so much money trying to become pregnant, that we have no money left for the baby if we get pregnant. I hate that my tax dollars fund abortions, but the government can't make insurance companies pay for our medical needs.

Ok, I'll quit griping. It doesn't do any good anyway.

The Repair Bill

$724

Original estimate was $724, but got lucky and only cost about $500! Still a lot of money.

Sorry everyone...This Korean is going home...soon, unless one of you would like to take her until January. I know some of you will get mad, but we can't handle anyone. We've gone above and beyond the toleration of bullshit.

Agency is fed up. We are fed up.

Her father's latest stunt was to tell her she could extend her stay(beyond her VISA expiration), because the "Korean company said it was ok"

Didn't bother to ask us! We are the ones keeping her and feeding her.

Sure, no problem, I'd just LOVE to be investigated for keeping her here illegally.

The state would shit about the iron and the burnt knee!

If that wasn't enough, I'm SWAMPED at work because everyone waited to the last minute to give me the stuff I needed.

Help Me!!!

Do I Need to Hire a Babysitter?

For my 15 year old exchange student???

Common sense is apparantly very uncommon...

Here's a re-cap of the "intelligent" things she did this weekend(and why I CANNOT adopt a teenager):

1. Spilt boiling water on her knee. She was cooking her Korean noodles and thought it would be a good idea to bring to bowl full on hot water into her room and EAT THEM ON HER BED!! Two huge blisters formed on her knee from the burn and her new comforter was ruined (I'm not sure if she stained my new mattress)

2. Broke my Washer AND Dryer. Why wash two loads of clothes when you can put a thick comforter, blanket,and a few towels to wash at one time. Hey, the lid closed, so there was room. Sorry to sound mean, but her dad IS paying for the repairs.

So obviously, the clothes were still soaking wet. L put the comforter on a couple spin cycles and we left the house for about an hour.

3.Bathtub as a washing machine. Since the washing machine was unavailable, L walks in her bathroom and finds the bathtub full of wet clothes! Including the comforter that he had finally spun all the water out. It was now soaked again!

After 5 months being here and knowing how to use the washing machine she comes up with, "In Korea, we wash our clothes in the bathruh." I am soothing L's temper at this point.

4. Nearly Burnt Our House Down! Or at least our utility closet! She has also had several months experience using the iron with no problems until yesterday. Instead of letting the iron cool, she placed it back in the cabinet steaming hot. L smells burning and opens the cabinet to find the towel next to the iron black and smoking.

So, after burning the hell out of her knee, breaking my washing, flooding my dryer and nearly burning my laundry closet down, we have some new rules for So Young:

1. Do not touch the washer or dryer without asking. When you are ready to wash clothes, one of us will supervise. Under no circumstances are you to wash sheets, towels, blankets or comforters. Put them in the laundry room and we will wash them.

2. No eating or drinking ANYTHING in your room. Use the kitchen table

3. Do not use the stove when we are not home.

4. Do not use the iron when we are not home and without asking.

5. You may use the microwave if you do not do something stupid with that like putting aluminum foil in there to cook.

This is not a cultural misunderstanding, so don't think I'm just being ugly. She was just outright not paying attention. She knows how to operate our appliances.

I hope her brain is now back in working order.

Not Giving Up, Just Stepping Back

I need to have more faith!

In less than one day, I put baby N in God's hands, then took it out of His hands and made MY own decision.

L was upset about my "revelation" last night. He's convinced that I'm falling victim to the "labeling theory." For the past month, with everyone expecting us to fail, expecting us to back out, expecting us to not be able to handle him, I began to believe them.

He may be right or I may be right. I'm just not sure yet. I just asked L to seriously think about the whole picture and not just the "I get a baby" part. He mentioned that he preferred a toddler. That's why I told him to pray on it too.

I cannot make a rash decision out of anger or heartache. It did help to voice all my thoughts and fears in the last post. Maybe I still haven't reached the right decision for us and baby N, but writing the truth down made me feel at peace.

I'm going to leave myself open to God's plan. I'm going to have faith that He will lead me to the right decision. I'm not afraid of the challenge of baby N, I just don't want to interfere with God's plan for baby N, but I am willing to step up for baby N if he is God's calling for me.

It's out of my hands. I wash my hands of it. I wait, listen, and pray...

At Peace

This has been a very tough day for me. I have come to a decision. I know this will make me look like a hypocrite after my previous posts, but I feel at peace. A little scared and worried, but at peace.

I feel God has pointed me in this direction. After our home development worker said to quit fighting and let God do His work, I knew I had to make a decision:

Listen, take the Lord's nudge in the right direction

or

continue to be my stubborn self.

I'm scared to say it out loud, but I feel it's the truth:

I don't think baby N is the right placement. I would NEVER send him back once I took him, but maybe I'm not the right placement. Maybe God, and the state don't want to overwhelm me with such a needy child for my first placement. I have also faced the fact that the thought of baby N spitting up and choking terrifies me! The feeding tube is nothing, but not being able to suction him quickly enough could be scary.

I'm in tears as I write this, because sometimes the truth hurts. I'm terrified of getting a call back and making the wrong decision. It's tears of love for baby N, but wanting what's best for him, not ME.

I feel in my heart the best thing for baby N is for foster mom to adopt him. I pray that both the state and foster mom will make this happen for the best interest of baby N. I'm not ready to make the call yet. Would you think chicken of me if I had L make the call?

I just have to put it in God's hands. I know He must have a special plan if he's asking us to step aside.

God, please take good care of baby N. Please confirm that you want me to step aside and open my ears if you want me to step up and care for him.

This was by far the most difficult post I've ever written. I'll update tomorrow with L's feelings on the placement.

Stepping Back

Baby N's mom is back in town. Social worker must schedule visit while she is here.

Foster mom can't find a nurse willing to come to our home.

Now, it's back to finding a convenient time to go to her home.

Seriously considering waiting on another placement. One where the foster mom isn't calling all the shots.

Removed pictures from computer. Will remove from fridge when I get home.

Infant car seat is coming OUT of my car....TONIGHT! Will pack all baby stuff up nicely and put in the shed.

I can't keep hanging on to a baby that the state is SO convinced that we will send him back that they keep giving us more hurdles to jump. It's getting to where it's gonna start causing SERIOUS tension for me at work.

Our home development worker is SERIOUSLY behind on paperwork. She still has 2 home studies to finish from the MAPP class that ended in November! No telling when ours will be complete.

It's too painful! I can't take anymore!

Ok state agency, foster mom has won! Go continue groveling at her feet. When you want to re-gain control of the case....give me a call.

No Fight Left In Me...

God, I'm tired of fighting. Your will be done.

If baby N is not meant for me, I patiently await the next placement. I will bug social services no longer.

Scoreboard:

State 1,000
Lisa 0

Game over, State wins.

This Is Actually Moving Along Pretty Quickly

Yellowgirl called me L in the comments and it made me realize something, I haven't recently used my first name in a while. I'm Lisa for those of you who didn't know my real name. I'm not worried about protecting the privacy of my first name here. However, if you know my husband's name, he doesn't want me to use his name.

The transition of baby N from foster to adoptive home is happening pretty quickly, says our home development worker.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!!!!

Before we got into the home visit she had a long talk about the possible placement of baby N. I don't like it, but it's the way it has to be done and I just have to accept it:

-Stop fighting for him and just let it happen. Let God take care of everything.

-There is a pity factor involved with this child and you have to be sure you are not taking him out of pity.

-A weekend visit will give you a good chance to determine if you can really handle him. If you decide you can't take him, we will not hold a grudge. We will hold a gudge if you take him then call us later to come pick him up.

-We have to be careful so that we only have to move him once

-A sick child can be hard on your marriage, so be sure to seek counseling.

-Social worker is handling the situation exactly the same way I would. We are not the big bad state. We have to take care of the child.

-You are fortunate to have a foster mom so protective. That means that baby N has been well cared for. You are lucky to have a foster mom and worker who loves the child.

-It's only gonna be another week or so before he's in your home and that's not long.

-During the TPR hearing, rights will likely be immediately terminated. Chance of appeal is zero because the lawyer has to be convinced of a reason for an appeal. The evidence against her will not give the attorney grounds for appeal.

-They are not yet convinced of our committment. I don't know how else to convince them.

-Haven't heard from social worker today, so she got a break from us today.

The leave issue...L and I are still discussing it. L thinks I shouldn't take it right away since the nurse will be there. I want the bonding time with the baby. I was gonna just take it anyway, but I only get 12 weeks and if he has 3 surgeries this year, I may need to take a couple weeks per surgery, so I don't want to burn all my time.

If he didn't have a lot of other needs, I'd take my leave right away and screw my year end close. I'm gonna have to pray about the leave situation that God will work things out with my job and give me some bonding time with him.

Day Long Home Visit

First, a quick update on baby N. Yes, I'm afraid there is MORE red tape! Now, foster mom has suggested bringing baby N, a nurse, and all his "equipment" to our house to spend a day with him. She would rather the nurse show me how to use the equipment. Social worker agrees. I asked her if this will be the last thing that will require both of us to take an entire day of work off and she said probably so. One of us has to keep a job.

Since I cannot go on Friday (because someone already had to postpone time off from the last Friday I went), and L can't do it Thursday, we are shooting for Monday, then taking him the following weekend, so that, according to the social worker, we can still back out!

I am SO frustrated! Social worker keeps thanking me for my patience, but I'm seriously running out! I've about had it! She thought I sounded stressed about something and I told her I was. For the last 3 weeks, while they were piddling, I could have missed work almost any day. Now that they are FINALLY trying to do something, we are approaching MY busy time at work, and I am gonna have hell trying to get away! She said she understood but has to follow protocal.

I told her we need to break through this red tape by early next week because I'm getting to my busy time of the month. She promised that if foster mom was unavailable that day, she would transport baby N and the nurse to our house, and have the nurse go over everything with us.

I thought we'd get to bypass the weekend visit since we've been through so much crap already, but she wants us to experience one of baby N's "bad" nights to make sure we can handle it. It's like they are giving us so much room to back out. Do they think we will change our minds? Not likely!

You know what really pisses me off though? I'm gonna finish this day long visit, and then they are gonna throw in something else!

In other news, our home development worker is going this afternoon to finish our home study. I didn't have many questions during the first visit, but now that we are expecting a placement, I have plenty questions.

Our last MAPP class was March 18 and she is just getting to visit our home visit today!

I don't know how much more I can handle!

But I Still Want to Get Pregnant

Baby N is absolutely amazing! I fell in love with him instantly(and they said in the MAPP class we probably wouldn't bond with the child instantly). I am ecstatic about the possibility of him being my son.

My son...did I just say that? I hope I didn't jinx anything.

Although I'm ready for adoption, and love baby N like my own, I still want to get pregnant. I thought that pain would go away, but it hasn't yet. I can figure out if it's because I want to experience pregnancy or I want to have a baby with the "umbilical cord still attached" like our home development worker says. I still feel sad that I haven't gotten pregnant. I still keep hope that God will bless me with a miracle pregnancy after we adopt. I want to be that urban legend.

Perhaps I am just upset to have missed the first 6 months of baby N's life. I know it is selfish. I am about to (hopefully) adopt a baby, and at the same time, hoping I will get a second call later (6 months to a year) for a newborn.

I haven't even got my first placement, but I am already getting an understanding of what secondary inferility feels like. I am in the process of getting a baby, but hoping he won't be the only baby I get to parent.

And I Thought I Was Finished With High School

Well, I'm going to sidetrack on the "joys" of raising a teenager for today. So Young is really becoming Americanized:

-I had to bang on her door to wake her yesterday morning, followed by whining and telling her to get up.

-She missed her ride and sick L had to take her to school.

-Her room is a disaster area.

-She comes knocking on my bedroom door around 8 pm for help with an English project.

Her English teacher is a Bitch. There's no nice way to put it. I am a college graduate, and made A's and B's in college English. I have NEVER heard of some of this shit this teacher is making her freshman English class do. Half the class is failing and the teacher still thinks they can handle the projects but just aren't completing their work.

She sends detailed instructions on a paper due tomorrow saying that if the directions aren't followed EXACTLY, it's an automatic F!! Isn't that crazy?

So after a long day of work, I will have a paper to write tonight! Oh, this teacher gave So Young a "D" on a ROUGH DRAFT! She actually took off points for mistakes on a rough draft!

They don't really emphasize literature in Korea, it's more just grammar they study. Thank goodness I remember most of the short stories from freshman English.

The good news: she brought her Biology grade up to a C. Was happy for her.

Still waiting on the next step with baby N. I hope something happens soon.

New Bloggers

Ok, I know ya'll are probably already overloaded with blogs to read, but if you get a chance, please send a "hello" to a couple ladies from my newsgroup:

KAC

Paula

I know most of you don't do the newsgroup thing, but we're not a girlie, babydust type newsgroup. We're they for each other to say how much we know it sucks when someone has a bad day.

Enjoy Blogging!

Maybe Next Week

Social worker is off today. There goes anything happening with baby N anytime soon.

Foster mom didn't call to show us suction machine (big surprise there).

Got 3 hours sleep last night taking care of poor L with a fever. I'm gonna tell home development worker she can't visit anymore. Last time we also all got sick a few days before she came. I'm sure he probably picked up a germ from social services visiting room.

Well, hope foster mom is enjoying raising MY son (possessive aren't I?).

I want my baby! I am tired of missing more and more of his life!

Do you think foster mom will steal Mother's Day from me too? I wouldn't doubt it.

My heart hurts!