3 Mommies
Thanks for the baby stuff suggestions and keep them coming if you have any more. I know I'm being selfish, but it's so unfair. If I were fertile I would have had a baby shower and would have had 9 months to collect baby stuff. I have one week. Thank God for my dear mother who is picking up little things here and there. Just remember(for those of you who are new readers), because of his cleft lip and severe cleft palette, he can't lay flat for long periods of time. He has to stay inclined in case he spits up.
Now, back to my original thought. I'm still having trouble believing that baby N will becoming to live with us and an even harder time believing that we may be able to adopt him. I am introducing myself as "mommy" and it feels so wierd and unreal. Will he ever feel like my son, or am I just in disbelief that I will finally (probably) have a baby very soon.
As of right now, baby N has 3 "mommies." Biological mommy, foster mommy and me. All of us love him dearly (even biological mommy, she just cannot care for him). I told L I wanted him to bring pictures to his mom every other visit. I feel bad for biological mom to have to lose such a precious kid.
Should baby N come up for adoption (which he should) we have a lot of things to seriously consider after the adoption:
1. Should we keep in contact with foster mom? I'm thinking yes. She took care of him the first 6 months of his life, and why turn down a potential babysitter or someone who knows more about him than me?
2. Should we allow visits with Grandma (mom's mother) after the adoption? I would love to say yes, but not feeling good about it now. She adopted baby N's 2 older sisters, but couldn't taken every other kid her daughter popped out. I am in agreement to sending pictures with letters saying how he is doing. I am not gonna make the adoption a secret, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to see his biological family until he gets older. (I'm sure I will here it from some of you in my comments, so if I'm wrong by this, put me in my place). At this point, I'm considering visits at a public place if she can be known as Mrs. whoever or aunt, but not grandma. I don't want to have to explain why he can't go live with his grandma and sisters.
Let me know your thoughts on connections with biological extended family after adoption? I'd really like to know.
Now, back to my original thought. I'm still having trouble believing that baby N will becoming to live with us and an even harder time believing that we may be able to adopt him. I am introducing myself as "mommy" and it feels so wierd and unreal. Will he ever feel like my son, or am I just in disbelief that I will finally (probably) have a baby very soon.
As of right now, baby N has 3 "mommies." Biological mommy, foster mommy and me. All of us love him dearly (even biological mommy, she just cannot care for him). I told L I wanted him to bring pictures to his mom every other visit. I feel bad for biological mom to have to lose such a precious kid.
Should baby N come up for adoption (which he should) we have a lot of things to seriously consider after the adoption:
1. Should we keep in contact with foster mom? I'm thinking yes. She took care of him the first 6 months of his life, and why turn down a potential babysitter or someone who knows more about him than me?
2. Should we allow visits with Grandma (mom's mother) after the adoption? I would love to say yes, but not feeling good about it now. She adopted baby N's 2 older sisters, but couldn't taken every other kid her daughter popped out. I am in agreement to sending pictures with letters saying how he is doing. I am not gonna make the adoption a secret, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to see his biological family until he gets older. (I'm sure I will here it from some of you in my comments, so if I'm wrong by this, put me in my place). At this point, I'm considering visits at a public place if she can be known as Mrs. whoever or aunt, but not grandma. I don't want to have to explain why he can't go live with his grandma and sisters.
Let me know your thoughts on connections with biological extended family after adoption? I'd really like to know.
posted by Lisa @ 9:58 AM
10 Comments:
At 11:49 AM,
Julie said…
Personally- I am on the fence- I see both sides of this issue- Yes- it is good for him to know his biological family- but it is confusing for a little guy to figure out- and if you make the decision for him- it is tough. If he can make that decision later for himself it could be better. On the other hand- his grandparents are choosing not to take him- because they can't handle the situation- that is okay- for them to choose that- it is hard not to be judgmental with them but they have their limits. I think you have to go with your gut- read My Ebenezer's latest entries- she is struggling with this big time! It is a hard thing. God will lead you when the time comes. He didn't bring you this far to leave you!
At 1:54 PM,
Lisa said…
I worry more about the mom being close to the grandma. I worry that I will have a hard time explaining why he can't live with his sisters and grandma.
Maybe when he gets around teenage years it may not be a bad idea. Not sure yet, but my gut feeling now is saying no, but to remain in contact through letters.
At 2:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
I wanted to say, i'm not a mum but i work as a nanny, we have a high chair that reclines to almost lying down, which i find really handy, it has 3 levels. Also I have a convertable seat, that reclines alot for rear facing, maybe he could sleep in that?
At 6:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'm late in the game butI wanted to congratulate you!
At 7:23 PM,
Ally said…
Good luck with this baby!! I bet you're so nervous and excited at the same time.
Things will be great...and as for the tough decisions...just go with your heart and what's best for him.
At 7:30 PM,
Lisa said…
From a former foster child and current child advocate...
1.) Your idea to keep in touch with foster mom made me want to give you a hug. Many times, foster children build an attachment to foster parents, and need a smoother transition after being adopted.
I just posted some information about this issue on my blog: http://sunshinegirlonarainyday.blogspot.com/
2.) As for the bio-mom... Julie's insights in her post were insightful and thoughtful.
I think that love, prayer and discernment are definitely the way to go.
I also recommend a book that I am currently reading:
Rebuilding attachments with traumatized children: Healing from losses,violence, abuse and neglect by Richard Kagan, PhD.
It reads like a textbook and is fairly academic, but if you use the index, there is a lot of wisdom in this book.
Whatever you decide, I'm glad that you have a network of support.
Lisa
At 2:22 AM,
DrSpouse said…
If it was in the UK, your social worker and the child's social worker would be making a contact plan together. It's common to have contact with siblings, especially if they knew each other (he's a bit young for that), but not that common to have direct contact with parents or grandparents. If you are worried about his safety if e.g. birth mother gets your address from grandma, ask the social worker about "letterbox" contact where you send to social worker, and they send on, letters and photos.
At 7:08 AM,
FosterMommy said…
If we end up adopting through foster (or through private adoption), we're definitely going to keep the lines of communication open. If the parents/g-parents are appropriate, visits are definitely possible. Letters/pictures are a must.
Even though I have not-so-great feelings about Niblet's bio-parents, I would not choose for her, at this point, to toss them out of her life. She should be able to know them and make that decision for herself.
I wouldn't give them unsupervised visits or allow them to confuse her in any way, but my child will always know that she is adopted, so hanging out with her bio parents will, hopefully, not confuse her too much.
At this stage in the game, i'd suggest that you keep everyone in N's life. The more people that love him, the better!
At 7:33 PM,
GLouise said…
I like the idea of staying in touch with the foster mom. That would be really cool.
Deciding about what level of contact you would like to have w/ the bio mom and her family seems like a tough decision. It seems to depend on several different factors. Also remember that it is not "set in stone" forever. You have the ability to change your mind if you sense something isn't "right." You may just want to see how things go the first year. And even though you may decide to be "open," it doesn't have to mean constant contact with the bio family. You may choose to limit contact to 1-2 times or exchanging mail via PO box.
I like Julie's advice, "go with your gut."
I am so excited for you, and look forward to your updates each day.
Send us a link to your registry when you get everything settled!
At 6:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
...I have a son who was also born with cleft lip and palette, you will be surprised at how much they can actually do!!!Bouncy seats are great after surgery and all will be well. As for any situation cleft, bio parents, foster, and now you will be his parent you need to be the one to advocate for him. Do what you think is right in the NOW and as times and needs change than make the changes, no one will have his best interest at heart like you.
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