Lilypie 2nd Birthday Ticker

You Could Always Adopt. . .

Adopted 3 boys out of foster care, then got pregnant for my beautiful daughter, now currently pregnant again with twins.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Geaux Tigers

Well, my dad and I had some nice quality time together at the LSU game on Saturday. It's been a while since I've gone and lots of changes have been made. The atmosphere is gradually turning from family and college kids to mostly rich sh**s that donate their way to season tickets. I know that money talks, but isn't it a COLLEGE football game. It was still fun, even though parking lot after parking lot turns into expensive reserved spots for the big donators to TAF. I did find an old friend who lived in the New Orleans area. I was glad to see he was safe (although I knew he was smart enough to evacuate). He said his apartment got water up to the ceiling! I guess he won't be going back.

I also ran into a girl I went to high school with and she talking about our 10 year reunion coming up. WHAT?? Already, I can't believe it will be 10 years in 2007! I'm getting old! I seriously need to get pregnant already.

No baby yet. No pregnany and I haven't even found my yorkie yet. I am sort of looking for a home for Rose (the white cat). She's precious and I love her to death, but my other cat is becoming grouchy and too high maintenance. She needs to be with a couple children or another kitten(no way in hell is L having a 3rd cat). Buddy was there first and loves dogs. I hope to get his sweet cat personality back if he's the only cat. Maybe he will even start playing fetch again.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Out of the Closet (Confessions of an Infertile Woman)

NO. Not that closet. I love men and men only. I'm talking about infertility. I had a talk with my female boss about the endometriosis and how it may not stay gone forever. She mentioned that eventually, I'd probably need a hysterectomy(let's hope not). I then told her that's why I need to have children now or never and that I'd have to seek medical help to be successful. She said, "you gotta do what you gotta do." I mentioned that I'd need time off work after the three month treatment and she seemed Ok with it. I promised to come in late, early or whatever it took not to interfere with my work. It seems like I now have clearance to seek IF treatments! That's such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Three Months to go

Well, I start lupron as soon as the insurance decides to pay for it, the doctor will mail it to me. So I get to endure 3 months of waiting and 3 months of menopause symptons (at the ripe old age of 26), as the lupron will shut down my system. Sounds fun, doesn't it? Not only can I not do treatments during this time but I also have to prevent pregnancy which really sucks. No pregnancy by Christmas for me.

L better at least let me get my dog. I want to pick it up this Saturday but he can't come with me so I have to wait until he can see it too. I guess that's only fair because L has to live with it to for the next 15 years or longer. Still working on him to let me take it home Saturday. We'll see what happens.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Lonely Night

Last night was a rough one for me again. I've had worse, but still pretty lonely. L and I got in an arguement last night over a bunch of stupid stuff, mostly because of how crappy and lonely I was feeling. It makes him feel like he's not enough for me. That's not how it is. He's wonderful. I just want more. All my life I've been dreaming of having a husband and children. I'm grateful for my husband, but I have so much more love to share than with just one family member.

I think when my doctor releases me to start my bodypump class again I will feel better. Exercise really does relieve stress.

I think I found a yorkie! I'm going to look at a couple this weekend when I go to my parents' for the LSU game. The lady has a male and female and reasonably priced because she's not going to breed them. Fine by me. I want one yorkie, not a litter. I think L is finally in agreement to let me have it. We'll see. We let our big dog in last night. That was interesting. I'm trying to talk L into letting me bring it home with me this weekend instead of waiting. It's gonna be nice having a pet that I don't have to beg for attention. If I want lovies from one of my cats, I gotta chase them around the house and catch them first. Yes, this is an attempt to fill the hole in my heart until I have children. No, the dog will not get neglected when baby comes, I have plenty love to go around for all of them.

I'm really getting concerned about starting lupron treatment. I'm terrified of it sending me into a depression. I just had surgery and they got everything. Why can't I just start treatments now? Why do I have to go through another 3 month delay where not only will I not get pregnant, but I heard I will have to avoid pregnancy. Oh well, I hope to get some reassurance from my doctor tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Counting Blessings

I'm thinking of some ideas for our Thanksgiving lesson for our high school religious education program. There is about 12 of us that "group teach", with the youth minister usually giving the talk (lecture) and the rest of us helping out (although we're more than welcome to give the talk also). Now I am EXTREMELY shy until I get used to a new group of people. We have now divided into small planning groups to spread out some of the workload. Our group has the Thanksgiving Sunday talk. I am thinking about taking a brave step of courage and giving this talk.

The issues I'm facing is, "will I be a hypocrite?" God has giving me so many blessings, that I seldom acknowledge because I'm too busy being depressed at not having children. Do you think my life experience will help to get the message accross? Anyway, I want to give more involved than I am, so I think I am just going to do it. Maybe I will learn something from myself?

It seems that lately, nothing that used to be fun is fun anymore. I get near tears with even commercials with babies. Also, L ordered a subscription to Parenting magazine and it seems like the subscription will never end as they keep coming in month after month. Yes, I know he could throw them away, but why not dream? Doesn't everyone plan how to spend the millions they're going to win after buying a lottery ticket when they know all they're doing is losing a dollar? Well, I guess I'm dreaming of what it will be like to be a Mommy. Reading the magazine is both addicting and depressing. Even in my dreams, when I'm cuddling my baby only to suddenly wake up and have emptiness, yet I still long for the next dream where I once again have a baby in my arms.

I'm trying so hard to be thankful for what I have, but I have an empty hole inside of me. I know Jesus wants to fill that hole and I'm trying to put it all in his hands, but it's just so hard to let go.I'm TERRIFIED to even imagine that children are not in His plan. I'm praying that children are just now in His plan right now, but are in His plan. How do I cope with the waiting and lonlienss until then? I would gladly sacrifice other things if I could have children. I've done everything right. Got married, got a job, bought a house. Now what? I have to extra bedrooms with no one to fill them.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Good Ol' Monday

Don't you just hate the beginning of the work week? I do, especially following the Sunday night insomnia, so you start the week off already tired. That sucks.

Well, yesterday was my teenage religious education class I help with. The night went pretty well and I didn't have as much sadness about being childless as I did earlier in the year. The youth minister in charge is expecting a baby in a few months. I'm glad they are blessed with fertility, but it's going to be hard seeing a new baby that is not mine again. I also saw my cousin's baby shower invitation at my mom's house. They got married a year after us and now get to have kids and she is a bit older than me. I guess I was just lucky to not get an invitation(although I am invited). She lives in Austin anyway, so no 8 hour drive for a baby shower even if I were a fertile-mertile.

I went to try on bridesmaid dresses for a friend's wedding and was pleasantly surprised to see an old friend from the LSU marching band that also played clarinet. She is in the wedding also! Just a few weeks ago while looking through pictures, I came across one of her and wondered what she was up to. I sure miss my old friends in the Baton Rouge area. I live in a small town and know a lot of people but haven't made any life-long friends since I moved down here with L.

L is about to start helping a contractor do work for FEMA(it's about time for their help). This is going to be a good opportunity while he's waiting on the background check from the airline and the grass business starts to slow down. There is lots of work down here if you're a man, but if you're a woman, it takes forever to find a decent job.

Thursday I go see the doctor for my follow-up. He's from Louisiana, graduated from LSU, so why can't he move back here so I can see him regularly?? Come on, I know the education system sucks, we have crooked politicians, and a governor that don't know what the hell she's doing, but what about the good cajun food? That should be enough to entice him to come home right? Speaking of the governor, people in New Orleans were suffering and after the president gave her 3 options to take care of the problem, she needed 24 hours to make up her mind!! We could have had a genius running our state, but of course the people of this state won't elect someone with a brain.

Ok, enough Louisiana politics. Please pray I get pregnant this cycle and don't have to do Lupron treatment. I'll be writing more about fertilituy after my appointment on Thursday.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Looking for a New Baby (Pet)

I know, ya'll probably think I have a farm already, but I'm looking for a small dog to stay in the house. Our great dane is an outside dogs and our cats go in and outside. Don't worry the cats are kept confined in a shaded area with plenty room to play. Anyway, my mom adopted a yorkie that was dropped off at my sister's vet that she works for. I used to not care for small dogs, until I met my mom's dog, Shelby, and now, I am in love!

I'm looking for a yorkie that won't get bigger than 5 lbs, preferably a female. My kitten and mom's yorkie loved playing together. My older cat, the striped one, is starting to get grouchy at his ripe old age of 2, so Rose, the kitten I got for Buddy now needs a play mate. I could always go with another cat, but Buddy just would NOT go for it. He likes dogs (as long as they don't try to eat him), but he HATES other cats. When we evacuated for Hurricane Katrina, the instant I brought Buddy's kennel into my mom's house he started growling and was pissed off at me for the next two weeks after we got home!

Rose was an exception to his cat rule. Maybe because she was female and cute. He only hissed at her a couple days before pouncing on her, then I new she was accepted!

Anyway, I'm looking for a small, friendly yorkie, that won't break my fertility budget. If anyone has any information, please let me know. It will be well-loved just like my other spoiled babies.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Teacher/Parent meetings

Well, I got to fill in for several of my co-workers who got to go meet with their children's teachers today. I don't mind, I just feel left out today. I hope I get pregant before they have grandchildren. I also get the joyful task of answering phones all afternoon as soon as I finish lunch. I like people but I HATE answering the switchboard. It stresses me out real bad, which is why I applied for the bookkeeper job and not the receptionist. I will do it anyway, because morally, I can't refuse since I'm having a slow day anyway. Oh well, at least I get to play computer games, even though I should have brought my book.

I take this class at the gym called body pump. It's a toning class using weight 15-25 pounds. My laproscopy was last Thursday and I called today to ask the nurse if I could start class again. She said to wait until after my follow-up next Thursday before lifting anything heavy. So I can exercise, but light. That really sucks! I'm feeling great and after next week, I will have not gone for over two weeks! That means when I go back I'm going to be very soar again, almost like starting all over. I mean, I wouldn't mind if I were pregnant. I guess it's better safe than sorry. I surely don't want to give my body another excuse to not get pregnant.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Feeling Queasy

I have been feeling just plain yucky yesterday afternoon and today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm pretty sure it's not the stomach bug, because it goes away when I lie down and keeping my food down (Thank you Lord). I'm thankful I'm not worse, but I wish this would go away. I had to call L to pick me up from work yesterday afternoon. Sometimes when I'm sick to my stomach I faint and I sure didn't want to take the chance of that happening behind the wheel and losing my license (or hurting someone).

I have finally caught up with my work at the office. In about six more months, I should have enough work experience to get my CPA. I'm not doing public accounting right now, but I worked hard to pass the exam and I think I deserve my license anyway right?

This weekend I'm going back to my hometown to try on bridesmaid dresses for a friend's wedding. I'm so excited for her. She finally found her prince!

I really haven't been thinking about infertility too much lately. God has giving me some nice distractions from infertility this weekend, and they couldn't have come at a better time. He never gives you more than you can handle right?

Well, I hoping everything goes well for L with the pilot job and his new lawn business. I'd love to be able to work for myself and just do tax returns also. We'll see. I'm blessed with a pretty good job now. The only bad thing is that they smoke in the office ALL DAY LONG. I have my own office, but still have to turn on my humidifier and still feel like I'm breathing straight smoke sometimes.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Some Good News (Finally)

L went to flight school a few years ago and got a single and twin-engine pilot's licenses. He was screwing around on the internet the other day and decided to apply to an airline. They called him today!! Although, he doesn't have a lot of hours, they want to talk to him. If all works out they will send him to school for his turbine license(and pay for it and pay him to go). After school, he will start as a co-pilot until he gets enough hours. I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic for him, but it looks like he may have a chance of getting a job he loves after all those crappy years working for the city government.

L's lawn service business is also starting to expand. He's been doing jobs for friends and his name is now getting around! With any luck, we may be able to work for ourselves in the next few years when I have children.

Maybe I found a reason for my unanswered prayer to be a mother. I think God is going to give me children, but may first want to pave the way for me to be able to stay home with my baby! Then I would have my dream job.

I know there's a lot of what ifs in what I write about today, but I really think our luck may be about to take a turn for the better.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Two Week Wait

No, not that two week wait!! I couldn't be that lucky. I'm waiting for my follow-up appointment with my doctor. This will be my chance to find out what the heck is wrong with me without being under the influence of anesthesia. Since I found out about endometriosis, several questions have been puzzling me. . . How much less like am I to get and stay pregnant with endometriosis? Is it gone for good, if not how long do I have to attempt pregnancy without it coming back? How is Lupron going to help? Is there any other treatments? Is Lupron treatment going to make me feel like crap?

A middle school science teacher once told me that with every solution comes 10 new problems. I guess that could also be interpretted as, "With every answer comes 10 new questions." Ain't that the truth. Just when I researched possibly everything I can think of concerning infertility, now I have part of the reason, endometriosis, and I know almost NOTHING about it.

I didn't realize there were so many infertility issues you could face in your twenties! Obviously, infertility does not practice age discrimination! I understand L's problem. His was a fluke being so young. The kidney problems kept him sick, which adversly affected his sperm. I haven't been sick (at least I didn't know about it). Why am I having these issues?

If anyone has any experiences with endometriosis and trying to conceive, or lupron treatment, please feel free to share them with me or email if you don't want them public. I feel alone and confused. Too confused to have a break down yet. Too scared to know the truth that this may cause me to never get pregnant. Ignorance is bliss right? Not really, I guess.

Monday, October 17, 2005

New Adjustments

Well, a new week is here and I have some new issues I have to adjust to:

1. L has a new job-- Politics got the best of L and he had enough. He is working for a friend's company now. Also L's home business is starting to take off, so he may be working for himself.

2. Endometriosis-- It's just starting to hit me. I'm starting to remember stories of people with endometriosis that couldn't have children. I haven't heard good things about Lupron treatment either.

3. Holidays approaching--The holidays are coming soon. No children. No presents under the tree from Santa. I have a feeling this holiday season is going to tear me apart. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew I could at least be pregnant by Christmas but now I know that's not going to happen.

Despite all that is happening I am trying to count my blessings and thank God for the things he has provided me. I have a home, job, husband and other than IF, I have my health. I try to comfort myself with some words of wisdom I've heard. People say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. He gives you what you need although not always what you want. I feel like I need children but I'm sure it's only a want. As hard as it is I just have to try and put in in His hands. I know He knows what's best for me, but it's difficult when you want children so bad and your constantly surrounded by unwanted pregnancies and "accidents."

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Surgery Complete - Endometriosis Found (warning: graphic and descriptive)

Well, I now know part of the reason I can't get pregnant. I had endometiosis, quite a bit from what L said. The doctor also found a cyst on one ovary and some blockage from one of my tubes. Although I am relieved to finally find out what is wrong with me I'm really ticked off about the following things:

1. HSG--Why did I spend $700 out of my pocket for an HSG when it did not detect the blockage in my tube? My doctor said they should have detected that when the dye was moving through the tube slower than normal.

2. IUI's-- I spent almost $2500 in two IUI cycles from an RE who didn't even bother to make sure I wasn't having any problems first. Even though I informed him of my crazy cycles and irregular bleeding, he immediately assumed we only had male factor IF and was too happy to waste our money even though I wasn't functioning.

3. Lupron-- I am going to have to be treated with Lupron for about three months to get rid of any microscopic endometriosis that may be remaining that the doctor wasn't able to burn off with the laser. I won't be pregnant before the year is over so it's going to be another lonely, childless holiday season. I heard Lupron also makes you depressed. IF also makes you depressed so I guess I'll really be crying even more at every little thing. I'm NOT going on antidepressants. They don't work for me and I don't like the side effects.

The surgery itself went very well. I'm a wimp when it comes to pain and I hardly felt anything when they woke me up. I felt like I had to pee and slightly queasy, but a little medicine through the IV took care of those problems quickly. My parents drove me home Friday afternoon and I slept most of the trip and wasn't in much pain. My throat is still a little soar and I have an air bubble that traveled to my shoulder that's bothering me a bit but other than that, I feel normal.

My doctor did an excellent job! I had two small incisions each less than an inch long. They can be covered with regular band aids and I don't see any stitches so they must be on the inside or he must have used surgical glue.

I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be going into surgery. I didn't faint from starvation. They deadened my arm before starting the IV and I hardly felt the needle poke. The last thing I remember was climbing on the table in the operating room and them giving me oxygen and then I was waking up. I was alert and asking all kinds of questions about what they found.

The only part that was frustrating was that I had to pee 100 cc before I could go home, but it had to be all in one sitting. Dad and L were offering to help contribute so they could go home and my mom was fussing at them. Finally, I started getting queasy, begged for nausea medicine and the nurse brought me some. I quickly drank 3 glasses of water and a glass of coke in about 20 minutes. Although I knew I would regret it later I was able to fill up their container and go home. I could not stop peeing for hours! Dad had to make 3 stops between the hospital and L's aunt's house, maybe a 30 minute drive, and it still took a few more hours to get rid of that water! That was ridiculus! I could understand not sending me home if I coudn't go at all, but I didn't think I'd have to fill up a bucket!! Anyway, sorry to be so graphic, but one day all of this will go in my baby book and I want my future child to know how much it was wanted.

After Lupron, I have to try to get pregnant as aggressively as possible so the endometriosis doesn't come back. Hopefully it will happen soon so I won't have to go through surgery again. Thanks to everyone who has been reading for your prayers and support. I will update again when I see my doctor for my follow up in two weeks.

Anyway, that concludes our lesson in female anatomy 101. Stay tuned for Endometriosis 200 in two weeks.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

It's almost here

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I'm a little nervous but will probably get worse tonight. I watched nip tuck last night and the sleepy drugs didn't work on a lady's surgery and she was awake and paralzyed during the entire surgery! This scared the crap out of me! I hope that was just for TV drama and that doesn't really happen. I hope they make sure I'm good and asleep before they start cutting.

My parents are coming in tonight and are gonna drive L and I to Houston. At least L will be able to relax with me and not have to bother with driving. Surgery isn't until 1pm and I am going to be STARVING by then. I hope I don't get too weak from hunger, but then again, if I pass out, I'll already be at the hospital anyway. I hope tomorrow goes smoothly and I stay healthy until then.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Kidney is good

It turns out L's doctor just wanted to call him personally and let him know all his test results came out good. I was worried for nothing. Finally, some good news!

Childless, not inferior

A co-worker wanted me to answer phones at work for the receptionist today because she had to leave for a couple hours. I was EXTREMELY busy with lots of work to finish before surgery on Thursday. Anyway, I asked her when the receptionist was coming back. She replied, "I don't know, she's gotta take care of her kid." Ouch, that one hurt. I know she doesn't know the pain I felt from that remark since she has a child also but ouch!

Anyway, it seems that since I am "blessed" not to be "burdened" with children, I have to fill in all the time and noone considers the work I have to get done. Don't get me wrong, I'm a team player, but I don't want to be the one all the work gets dumped on because I don't have the extra burden of children.

Infertility is not a burden?? I'm not supposed to be stressed out, tired, and overworked seeking fertililty treatments and surgery trying to figure out why I can't be normal like them and have children? Oh wait, I'm lucky because I get to sleep in and do whatever I want right?

To top it off L's urologist left a message for him to call him back about his blood test results. Please God, don't his other kidney be having problems too. I don't think I could deal with infertility and him losing his last kidney. Maybe he checked other things like cholesterol, maybe that's high. Anything but the kidney, please. I will continue to wait anxiously for L to call and let me know what to Doc said.

More News

The nurse called yesterday with the final results of L's semen analysis. She said it's good enough to do IUI's. I don't want to do IUI's, I want to get pregnant on my own. I'm tired of spending all that money with no results. I guess bad news for us is good news for money making doctors. Not that I'm really against it, but if they want to make money, start a fight for mandated fertility coverage! If I'm a drug addict, (which would have been my fault and self-imposed), insurance would cover treatment. If I can't have children (something I have NO control over), the insurance company tells you to go screw yourself. I mean, of course they don't want to pay the expenses for infertility treatments and then additional costs of prenatal care afterwards!! Oh my, they would have to file for bankruptcy huh? Why should they if everyone ignores the problem?

I'm usually not for government interference, but they butt their heads in other place they shouldn't. Why can't they do something beneficial for once? They give women permission to murder unborn babies, but you don't have a right to be a parent if you can't afford it? Does insurance pay for abortion? I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Don't worry, I'm not going to discuss abortion frequently, I'm just over sensitive because some people can get pregnant and throw there kids away and I have to suffer infertility. It just doesn't seem fair.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Worst things part 2

I forgot to mention a few other things that are REALLY bad to say. I can't believe I forgot them, especially since they are extremely hurtful:

1. Maybe it's not in the cards for you to have children--What??? I've heard this from a friend and my MIL! This is a horrible thing to say. If it's not in the cards, then why did I choose to be a mother for my kindergarden play called "when I grow up" while everyone else wanted to be dancers and doctors.

2. You can have my kids, they're driving me crazy--Really? That's supposed to make me feel better? I know they don't really understand, but it really hurts.

It's getting a little tough on me because I'm Catholic and just started getting involved with high school CCD. I think I'm the only one out of 12 of us without kids. It's hard being around all these fertile people. I so much want to share my feelings and have some people praying for us, but I don't want to be selfish and take the attention away from the kids.

After every failed cycle I keep praying and praying. I get angry and sad, but I try to keep my faith strong. Am I being punished for using birth control? I'm spending these hard times trying to keep close to God. I keep remembering the footprints in the sand poem. For the last year and a half, there has been one set of footprints in my sand. I know Jesus has been carrying during these tough times.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The Worst things you can say

For all of you who know someone or have friends who are infertile, here is a list of things not to say and why they are hurtful for infertile friends to hear:

1. Be patient, it will happen--This is hard to hear when someone has been trying for several years. They will think, it's be 5 years, haven't I been patient enough. Another bad thing about this statement is that it may not happen.

2. Take a vacation and you'll show up pregnant--Again, this more than likely will not get us pregnant. Despite that fact, L and I do have an awesome vaction planned, because we need to "relax" and have some time together.

3. You can always adopt--This is one of the worst things you can tell people. Sure I'd like to adopt, but I don't have 20-30,000 dollars spare cash to pay childbirth expenses to a birthmom who may change her mind and keep the baby. Most of us probably don't want our life invaded by a homestudy either. We don't want to be investigated like we're criminals just to be able to have children.

And finally, don't EVER advise some to:

4. JUST RELAX--This is the absolute worst thing you can say. How the hell are you supposed to relax between charting, OPKs, fertility drugs that make you emotional, endless negative pg tests, and the phone calls from nurses starting with, "I'm sorry."

I know there's plenty more. Anyone else here any other ones? What's the worse ones you heard? I know I haven't heard them all.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

When It Rains It Pours. . .

L and I had a terrible day yesterday. We got up around 1 am and left around quarter to two to drive to Houston for my pre-op. Throughout the course of the day we were given some more bad news, L's count and motility are down again. It may still be enough for IUIs, but naturally, we're not likely to get pregnant. Of course that is scientifically speaking. I pray to God constantly for a baby, and although I get sad and frustrated, I still pray for a miracle. Hope is all I have right now.

I explained the spotting issue to my doctor, telling him I was spotting for almost a week. He explained that is why the surgery is necessary. He is suspecting polyps or endemetriosis. Wonderful news! At least he said he can fix all those problems while he's looking around in me. I felt a little better when he assured me he wouldn't find a problem, sew me back up and wake me to tell me I had to have another operation. I know if you're reading you think I'm crazy for assuming he wouldn't fix me, but the doctors around where I live, that's exactly what they would do.

It take all I had in me to keep a straight face after hearing that our male factor IF problems were returning. I feel a breakdown coming. I just don't know when. To top it off, I had to pick up something at the mall on the way home. I must have seen 20 pregnant teenagers, and I am NOT exagerating! Life can be so unfair sometimes.

I'm kinda new at blogging, so I'm just anyone reading this yet? If so, please say hi so I can know whether or not I'm talking to myself. Feel free to leave any other comments too if you'd like. I'd like to start discussing some things but that will be pointless if noone is here yet. Either way is fine with me. I'd like to hear from some people, but will continue writing to myself.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Road Trip

We're going on a road trip early tomorrow morning. Instead of an exciting weekend getaway for the two of us, we've decided to go on an exciting trip to Women's Hospital in Houston! I'm beginning to think it's pointless to even ask them to do a pg test tomorrow. AF is knocking at the door with only prometrium barring the door shut until tomorrow. All I'm asking for is that she give me one 9 month break without a visit! Is that to much to ask? In 15 years, all I ask of her is to stay away for 9 months! Does she do it? No. Kind of reminds of of the mom on everybody loves raymond, coming to their house unwelcomed all the time. I've been spotting for nearly a week! It's driving me crazy knowing that it's more likely AF is coming than implantational bleeding.

I'm starting to get nervous about surgery. I'm a real chicken with pain. I know it's not major but still a little scared. Will I wake up after? Will my organs still be there? Will I be one of those rare people who wake in the middle of surgery paralized and can't tell anyone? I'll just keep praying that things will go smoothly.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Spoke to the Nurse

Well, I just couldn't resist. I called the nurse anyway about the spotting. She said it was normal. That sucks. Why can't they ever say you need to come in for a pg test? Anyway, she when I take my last prometrium on Friday, AF should come on Saturday, putting my surgery in the right time frame of my cycle. She said they will do a pg Friday before stopping the progesterone and to remind them. I have to keep reminding myself that it's highly unlikely I'm pg and not to burst into tears when I get another negative on Friday.

I can't wait for all this to be over so I can do a consult with a new doctor and decide where to go next with my treatments.

Fertiltity Insurance Coverage in Louisiana?

The other day, I was excited to read that 15 states, including Louisiana were mandating fertility coverage. The problem is that I can't find any information about the extent of coverage. Also, I wonder if I will get screwed out of it under the cop out of "pre-existing condition?" I have always had a group plan and never let it lapse, so I shouldn't be subject to pre-existing conditions right? Or is it different when new legislation is enacted? I wonder how I would go about applying for this new coverage without giving advance notice to the insurance company. I guess I can't get excited until I find out more facts. That would take a tremendous amount of stress off of us if it were finally covered. If I decide to do drugs, treatment is covered but if I want children, I guess that's just too bad. Why does insurance and the government always reward you for doing wrong? You can smoke 3 packs a day and still have lung cancer treatment covered. I did NOTHING to contribute to my infertility and I'm just supposed to live with it right?

Monday, October 03, 2005

Early Morning Scare

I woke up around 3am this morning for a bathroom trip and I about freaked out. My spotting was getting worse (now had some red streaks). I know it's a little gross to talk about but if AF comes today, I'm SCREWED for having surgery next Friday. I need it to wait until at least Wednesday. To do the procedure, my doctor said I had to be between CD 5-9. If AF comes, today, I'll be on CD 11 by my surgery next Thursday. I wonder if two days later will hurt. I know everyone's probably thinking, "call the doc." I'm not going to do that until I'm sure. I will go in Friday anyway, so I'll just have tons of questions to ask.

I am going to try and get ahead as much as possible at work this week. That way if I don't finish my monthly statements, my boss will have a good head start if she has to finish them. I'm so nervous about next week. I have no pain tolerance, and scared of most medical procedures. I know it's minor but I'm really worried about the nausea afterwards. After I had my wisdom teeth cut out I was sick the first night. I wonder if they'll give me a shot when I wake up to help with nausea. Oh well, this should be an interesting two weeks.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

My "Children"

This is our "puppy", basil. Although he looks big and tough, he's just a big baby. I don't have to worry about anyone messing with me when I walk him though. He's not really a puppy. He's 4 years old but I joke around and call him my puppy because he's so big.

These are our two cats, Buddy and Rose. Buddy (left) was just so freaking hyper, even after the kitten stage that we had to get him a kitten to calm him down. It worked like a charm. Now he has something to play with and chase. You should see them run around the house.

Coming soon (hopefully, one day), I will be able to put up some pictures of my human children. For now, this is all we have though.


I am 26 years old and my husband(who I will refer to as L) and I have been trying to conceive for a year and a half. He had a kidney removed a couple years ago and his sperm was affected by it. He had surgery, which didn't do much improvement, but during our last IUI the count was almost normal. We've done 3 IUIs, 5 months of just clomid, an HSG, which was normal and seen 3-4 different doctors. I am scheduled to have a laproscopy surgery on October 15, so hopefully they can tell me why my cycles have been screwed up.

I started taking progeterone pills on day 14 of this cycle and will stop on day 28. The goal of this is to make my period come so I will be in the right part of my cycle for surgery. Yesterday(day22), I had some very light brown spotting and mild cramping for about an hour. Wouldn't it be great if it were implantational bleeding? Of course, trying not to get my hopes up for fear of disappointment that is probably coming. I guess I'll ask my doctor about it on Friday when I go for my pre-op.

Oh, by the way, I have to go out of state to get a decent doctor to explain what's going on with me. I live in Southern Louisiana right on the Gulf Coast. I was scheduled to see a new RE in New Orleans, but since New Orleans is no more for now, I went out of state for surgery. L heard from this doctor earlier in the week and was told they were running their operations out of another office. They want me to schedule a new consult after surgery. I am hoping for a huge miracle this week to get out of surgery.