He Is In Control

I can definately, without a doubt, say that the news I received yesterday was NOT a sign from God. In fact, I think it came from down below.

L was coaching last night and said the following prayer:

God,

I'm really stressed out right now. If we are supposed to take baby N, and he's gonna be ok, I need a sign, and I need it QUICK!

A couple seconds later his cell phone rings. It's baby N's foster mom. She said she didn't know what the nurse told us, but they said the same things about baby N's older sisters and they are really smart.

She assured him that she was sure baby N would be just fine. She's had over 300 foster kids over 20 years and has never been as comfortable about an adoption as she is with us. She said the doctors really don't know, and always give the worst case scenerio.

She explained that since she lives with baby N, and observes his behaviors, she feels he is on target. He watches TV. He is trying to talk. He is trying to sit on his own.

She said it is perfectly normal to be scared, and I would really like for Lisa to have baby N for Mother's Day. She said to call her tonight and she would try to bring him tomorrow, show us how to use the machine, and if we were comfortable, she would pick him up Monday!

She made a plan and said she's gonna tell the state how we are going to work this (and they will listen to her). She wants to start bringing him for visits and slowly move him in until we are 100% sure we are ready. She also said she will keep an opening available until we are certain we can handle him.

So, big, bad, foster mom has come to the rescue! The social worker was right. She is not trying to keep baby N, but is just protective of the children in our house. She felt at ease at how well baby N took to us.

That's why I was feeling like shit yesterday. I was trying to back out of my responsibility and justify it, when deep down, I knew there was no way they could know this early that he would not be able to function on his own.

Perhaps I was being selfish. I was definately being stubborn, because I would not hear L out at all yesterday.

How come I pray for weeks for an answer and all I get is static and confusion, but L prays and BAM! an answer!

I am glad I wrote those negative posts, although, I will obviously leave them out of the baby book. It helped me lay out my fears and concerns. I was wrong. I was scared. I'm still scared, but now I feel like I really have the Lord's blessing on this adoption, so I can breathe easier and do my best to be obedient and I know He will provide.

I do pray that this is God's "Final Answer" regarding baby N. I know ya'll have got to want to slap me and say "make up your mind already." Hopefully, I won't be tossed around anymore. The Nail biting continues...

Oh yeah, how could I forget? After 5 1/2 months gone, AF has finally returned.