Bad News
I spoke to the nurse about Baby N's genetic results.
He has a chromosome 15 abnormality on 100% of his genes. The mom has it on 50%, he will be a lot worse off than his mom, who can't care for herself too well.
The nurse said he will probably have to live with us forever.
I was concerned about all the surgeries, told L I don't mind learning problems or disablity, but I couldn't knowingly take a child that wouldn't be able to live on his own. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't throw away a child I had, but I don't think I have the strength to go out of my way to adopt a child with such needs.
Let me tell you...I feel TERRIBLE, abosolutly TERRIBLE. I feel like I let him down and a failure. I've been near tears all day, but deep in my heart, I just don't feel it's fair to baby N. He needs a mommy and daddy who doesn't have second thoughts.
Given the choice of me feeling terrible or baby N feeling terrible, I choose to take the pain. I hope God understands my shortcomings.
L and I are gonna discuss it more this weekend. L wants to take him for a weekend, but I do not think it will be a good idea. I'm afraid the joy of "having a baby around" will cloud our judgement.
I feel unworthy to be a mom. I hope L comes to understand and forgive me. I hope God forgives me and takes care of baby N.
I feel so selfish, but deep down, I know my limits at the same time.
He has a chromosome 15 abnormality on 100% of his genes. The mom has it on 50%, he will be a lot worse off than his mom, who can't care for herself too well.
The nurse said he will probably have to live with us forever.
I was concerned about all the surgeries, told L I don't mind learning problems or disablity, but I couldn't knowingly take a child that wouldn't be able to live on his own. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't throw away a child I had, but I don't think I have the strength to go out of my way to adopt a child with such needs.
Let me tell you...I feel TERRIBLE, abosolutly TERRIBLE. I feel like I let him down and a failure. I've been near tears all day, but deep in my heart, I just don't feel it's fair to baby N. He needs a mommy and daddy who doesn't have second thoughts.
Given the choice of me feeling terrible or baby N feeling terrible, I choose to take the pain. I hope God understands my shortcomings.
L and I are gonna discuss it more this weekend. L wants to take him for a weekend, but I do not think it will be a good idea. I'm afraid the joy of "having a baby around" will cloud our judgement.
I feel unworthy to be a mom. I hope L comes to understand and forgive me. I hope God forgives me and takes care of baby N.
I feel so selfish, but deep down, I know my limits at the same time.
posted by Lisa @ 11:18 AM
11 Comments:
At 11:44 AM,
Julie said…
Try to let it go- you can't take on more than what your bandwidth can handle! This is good to know- God gave you that news BEFORE you spent the weekend with him and fell completely head over heels for him. It is so hard to imagine what your feeling but trust that it was God's way of "Showing you the way" You asked Him to do that and I think He is giving you a clear answer. This child deserves parents who CAN do this forever. Honestly- I would not do it either- I put that in my foster license- I can't take a child who has serious medical or mental needs. I know my limits too. You are not horrible for knowing yourself. But I agree- don't take him for the weekend- you will be crushing your heart further!
At 11:46 AM,
DrSpouse said…
That's so hard. I think we would have to come to the same decision - as we are older, especially Mr Spouse, we would not be able to care for such a baby if we adopted them. It is not a failure, it is honesty.
At 12:16 PM,
No Longer In Crisis said…
Same for us - when we became foster parents, we drew a line on what we could and couldn't handle. We turned down adopting a 3-yr. old with fetal alcohol syndrome - it felt bad at first, but a relief to know we decided what was best for all of us. Someone will adopt this baby - someone who has different life goals, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is also nothing wrong with feeling bad for a while - but you ARE worthy - all of us are.
At 3:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Lisa:
I'm sorry for you, and for baby N, and just the general suckiness of it all. I think it takes much more courage to admit you can't handle N's life-long problems then to just plug along without taking time to honestly assess your feelings and your abilities.
Yellowgirl
At 5:15 PM,
Lisa said…
L was upset at first, but is beginning to understand why we cannot go into this with doubts.
I pray that he finds parents that can handle his special needs. I still feel awful.
At 7:20 PM,
GLouise said…
Wow, that sounds pretty overwhelming...I don't think anyone will fault you for being honest with yourself and the situation...Special needs are one thing, but lifetime care seems very daunting and overwhelming. I am sorry you have been on such an emotional rollercoaster! Big hugs,
GL
At 8:43 PM,
Maya said…
A wise woman seeks information and then makes the best decision based on what she knows to be true. Remember there are thousands of children of all ages that need homes. Is Baby N the right fit for you and your family? I wish you peace with whatever you decide.
At 4:42 AM,
Nique said…
Lisa I understand why you have come to this decision. I am continuing to think of you both and pray for you both!
At 5:52 AM,
Lisa said…
I completely understand and have had to make similar decisions. I think you were being the opposite of selfish, you were thinking long term and not just the here and now of having a baby, any baby. It's difficult, but for me, if I hadn't made those choices I wouldn't have the wonderful gifts I have now.
At 12:18 PM,
x said…
Oh no, you are not unworthly. I already think you have the biggest heart in the world for even considering a child with such needs. I cannot imagine taking on a child that would need life long care. I hope that you can find peace in your heart. I am so sorry this journey has been so difficult.
At 2:36 PM,
FosterAbba said…
You should not feel guilty for deciding not to adopt a baby with such extreme needs. Chromosome 15 abnormalities can result in some pretty significant neurological impairments.
It's easy to feel like you aren't stepping up to the plate when you are considering the care of a tiny baby with special needs. The thing to remember is that, even if they have profound physical and mental impairments, they are small and easy to move around.
When you look at the longer-term picture, though, it becomes a completely different world. I've done long-term care for a disabled adult, and it was not easy!
Shortly after college, I was underemployed and worked part-time as a PCA (Personal Care Attendant) for a disabled guy who had CP. He was a great guy, and he had all his mental faculties, but the daily lifting, bathing, and toileting was back-breaking work. The job was even tougher because the state was paying for his home care, and his caseworker wouldn't allow him to hire a second worker to give me respite. In the end, I had to quit because I couldn't take the emotional and physical responsibility of caring for him day after day, week after week, month after month with no respite.
If you take on a child that won't be able to live independently, you'll be signing up for a lifetime of care. It's a hard thing to deal with when it's your own biological child, but I think it's even tougher to sign up for this task voluntarily.
Everyone is giving you good advice, let this one go and wait for a healthier child that you will be able to support. It's not your job to save the world.
A rabbi friend once told me, "Guilt is the toxic waste of the human spirit." He's right, and I think you would be much better served by waiting for a child that more closely fits your family's needs.
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