At Peace

This has been a very tough day for me. I have come to a decision. I know this will make me look like a hypocrite after my previous posts, but I feel at peace. A little scared and worried, but at peace.

I feel God has pointed me in this direction. After our home development worker said to quit fighting and let God do His work, I knew I had to make a decision:

Listen, take the Lord's nudge in the right direction

or

continue to be my stubborn self.

I'm scared to say it out loud, but I feel it's the truth:

I don't think baby N is the right placement. I would NEVER send him back once I took him, but maybe I'm not the right placement. Maybe God, and the state don't want to overwhelm me with such a needy child for my first placement. I have also faced the fact that the thought of baby N spitting up and choking terrifies me! The feeding tube is nothing, but not being able to suction him quickly enough could be scary.

I'm in tears as I write this, because sometimes the truth hurts. I'm terrified of getting a call back and making the wrong decision. It's tears of love for baby N, but wanting what's best for him, not ME.

I feel in my heart the best thing for baby N is for foster mom to adopt him. I pray that both the state and foster mom will make this happen for the best interest of baby N. I'm not ready to make the call yet. Would you think chicken of me if I had L make the call?

I just have to put it in God's hands. I know He must have a special plan if he's asking us to step aside.

God, please take good care of baby N. Please confirm that you want me to step aside and open my ears if you want me to step up and care for him.

This was by far the most difficult post I've ever written. I'll update tomorrow with L's feelings on the placement.