Defiance
Well, had another issue with the teenager last night, with some broken stuff and a hole in the wall all because he didn't get his way. I ended up having to apologize and pretend I was wrong, and kiss his ass so he'd quit throwing things and breaking my stuff. This went on half the night and of course he is sleeping peacefully while I'm running after kids, sleep deprived. Why didn't we call the police? Because they do NOTHING. As a minor child, he has more rights than us and all the will do is bring him in a couple hours then we HAVE to pick him up and bring him back to our home. He's figured out he can do anything he wants and doesn't have to face any consequences. Fine. He wants to play that game, then he better not ask for any more extras, because all I HAVE to provide him is clothing, food and shelter.
posted by Lisa @ 8:35 AM
7 Comments:
At 11:11 AM,
Ms. J said…
Please, I am offering this in a spirit of a resource, and hope you receive as such....
Have you ever read a book called "Parenting the Hurt Child"? I recently checked it out of the library, and perhaps it would be of some help, or at least validate what you are going through. I'm concerned about all of you.
The authors of this book have counselled some of the worst situations I have ever fathomed. It was hard to read at times. But even with our (by comparison, minor/moderate) issues, I got something out of it.
At 12:05 PM,
Lisa said…
Thanks. I'll look into it. Just needed to vent a little. It's so frustrating because we basically have to "give him his way" or he acts out. He threatened to run away but didn't follow through this time because it was raining. He also knows that I have the police on speed dial and as soon as he leaves our property, I call and report him and he never gets far. He wants to go live with his bio family so badly that he thinks this is the way to do it, but he doesn't understand we are legally responsible for him and cannot send him to live with these people. He's also a bit upset because his older brother is living up there with them now and told us NOT to send him up there because his mom is an alcoholic and his dad is in prison for drugs. He doesn't like hearing the truth.
He is not going to "hurt" anyone, because he knows then the police could actually do something. He just decided to punch a hole in the wall, just to try to make us angry and trying to find the most hateful things to say to try to hurt our feelings. We just pretended he wasn't even talking, and occasionally repeated to him calmly, "when you calm down and can speak to us politely, we will all sit down and talk."
He is so jealous, that he will do anything for attention, even if it's negative attention. L took him to the beach with J and the baby this weekend, and he pretty much got to do all he wanted. MIL went with him and she didn't put up with his mouth, and of course he didn't appreciate being corrected, so he turns it around saying she was "being mean" to him.
L is going to call the DA and discuss whether or not we can legally emanicipate him, because we are out of other options, other than giving him his way to keep the peace. It's just putting a lot of emotional stress on me that I don't need right now. It's 2pm and he's still peacefully sleeping after his little tantrum last night. I'm at the point I quit complaining about the laziness because at least he's out of my hair when he's sleeping. I know I proably sound bad now but I'm at the end of my rope and just need to vent sometimes. You sure learn to brush off some really hurtful comments adopting a teenager.
At 1:50 PM,
kim said…
it would be a rare child in the foster adopt system that doesn't have reactive attatchment disorder to some degree.(although a small infant might be spared). I adopted my neice who was 8 when she came to us(now 10). She had been through 5 placements, two of them w family. She used to throw furniture at school and her last family placement was physically afraid of her. She had no friends as no othr children would tolerate her loud in your face personality.The best book I got my hands on was When Love is not Enough by Nancy Thomas.Using things from this book plus therapy, my neice is now able to attend school successfully and even has friends. Teachers like her. She is a different child. We still have a ways to go but the improvement has been so great. I don't follow the book to the letter, some of the advice is more restrictive as some kids are more severe than others, but the tips in it work wonders.
At 8:42 PM,
JUST A MOM said…
Have you checked the tough love programs,, if nothing else they give PARENTS SUPPORT and it is free. I am so sorry you have ended up in this spot. I so know how hard it is. HUGS and good luck.
What about the program he WAS in,, any follow up stuff from that for you?
At 2:01 PM,
Lisa said…
Not really that great follow up. He has a mentor that sends in monthly reports, but since he has his GED now, not much they can do since he's not living there anymore. I did get a 5 month break while he was there and he got his GED, but other than that, nothing has changed.
At 1:39 PM,
JUST A MOM said…
That so truly stinks,,,,, emansapation or how ever you spell it... he is disrupting the whole house with his behaviour. Good luck and keep VENTING!
At 2:28 PM,
Kat said…
So sorry you are going through so much. It is heartbreaking and unnerving all at the same time. (((hugs)))
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