I Can't Deal With This Now
It's our favorite time of the year....Mother's Day is fast approaching.
Just when you think infertility can't be any worse, you are robbed of the joy you used to have for planning that special day for your mother. I know I must enter the Mother's Day card aisle, but it's gonna be painful, like baby showers.
I don't think I'm gonna step out of the house Sunday, not even for church (ok, maybe for church).
Will I ever be a mommy? Not a host mother. Not a foster mother, but have my own biological or adopted baby?
I now a couple of my blog friends got some bad news recently and my hearts and prayers are with them. If baby N were the right placement (which I'm doubting because of all the trouble they are giving me), he should be living with me now.
I know I have not waited long compared to some of you. I know I will eventually get a placement and hopefully be able to adopt. I have just about lost hope of getting pregnancy other than a miracle from God. Pregnancy has become an idea like winning the lottery. I hope I get pregnant. I pray I get pregnant, but it doesn't feel like a realistic hope (although we are considered, "sub-fertile", not sterile).
I'm ready to do something bigger. Something like IVF or private adoption, although they both still terrify me at the moment. I'm sure I'll warm up to the idea, just like I did to adoption.
If nothing else, I hope at least one person who reads this blog understands why it's not so easy to "just adopt." Our homestudy isn't complete yet, so I don't know when we will even get on the computer where we will get a placement call without our file saying "homestudy pending." Our only hope is that L's friend is certified and will refer all baby placements to us (they already have 2 grown kids, plus a boy they are trying to adopt). That's the thing that's really bugging me. I turned in all our paperwork, now the state is dragging ass on finishing our homestudy so we can get "fully certified."
Crack seems to make you pretty fertile. Crack whores get to me "mothers."
It's just so wrong that we have to spend so much money trying to become pregnant, that we have no money left for the baby if we get pregnant. I hate that my tax dollars fund abortions, but the government can't make insurance companies pay for our medical needs.
Ok, I'll quit griping. It doesn't do any good anyway.
Just when you think infertility can't be any worse, you are robbed of the joy you used to have for planning that special day for your mother. I know I must enter the Mother's Day card aisle, but it's gonna be painful, like baby showers.
I don't think I'm gonna step out of the house Sunday, not even for church (ok, maybe for church).
Will I ever be a mommy? Not a host mother. Not a foster mother, but have my own biological or adopted baby?
I now a couple of my blog friends got some bad news recently and my hearts and prayers are with them. If baby N were the right placement (which I'm doubting because of all the trouble they are giving me), he should be living with me now.
I know I have not waited long compared to some of you. I know I will eventually get a placement and hopefully be able to adopt. I have just about lost hope of getting pregnancy other than a miracle from God. Pregnancy has become an idea like winning the lottery. I hope I get pregnant. I pray I get pregnant, but it doesn't feel like a realistic hope (although we are considered, "sub-fertile", not sterile).
I'm ready to do something bigger. Something like IVF or private adoption, although they both still terrify me at the moment. I'm sure I'll warm up to the idea, just like I did to adoption.
If nothing else, I hope at least one person who reads this blog understands why it's not so easy to "just adopt." Our homestudy isn't complete yet, so I don't know when we will even get on the computer where we will get a placement call without our file saying "homestudy pending." Our only hope is that L's friend is certified and will refer all baby placements to us (they already have 2 grown kids, plus a boy they are trying to adopt). That's the thing that's really bugging me. I turned in all our paperwork, now the state is dragging ass on finishing our homestudy so we can get "fully certified."
Crack seems to make you pretty fertile. Crack whores get to me "mothers."
It's just so wrong that we have to spend so much money trying to become pregnant, that we have no money left for the baby if we get pregnant. I hate that my tax dollars fund abortions, but the government can't make insurance companies pay for our medical needs.
Ok, I'll quit griping. It doesn't do any good anyway.
posted by Lisa @ 5:31 AM
8 Comments:
At 9:18 AM,
No Longer In Crisis said…
Oh Lisa, All the drama they are putting you through just makes it seem like this baby isn't going to be "the one". What is comforting to remember for me is that no matter what "decision" I make, the Lord has more power than I do to make sure His will is fulfilled. I had already made an appointment with a private adoption agency for them to do our home study when we got the call for Sugar Cookie - 3 months after we were certified and 4 children had already come and gone from our home. It was God reminding me He is in control. I had said I couldn't go on. I had packed things up.
I am so sorry they are yanking you around. Maybe this baby isn't the one who will be yours - maybe this is the Lord moulding you for the future. All this moulding hurts like crazy, I know. You WILL get your baby soon. YOU WILL!
At 9:37 AM,
soralis said…
I really don't have any words that can help you through your journey, hang in there.
Take care and good luck
At 9:39 AM,
FosterMommy said…
Hi there, just wanted to add a word of support. :)
One of the main things our foster-to-adopt journey has taught us is that there is NO definite, easy way to become a parent.
Sometimes conceiving is easy; sometimes adoption is easy; sometimes fostering is easy. Sometimes they're NOT. And it's not because you picked "the hard way".
People need to focus more on supporting their friends and family and less on trying to come up with alternate plans for them.
At 10:20 AM,
Julie said…
AMEN to foster mommy- I hear you and agree lisa- it seems like everything is so gloomy right now- I feel like Eeyore. but I want to be Tigger- but he is the only one- if you remember the song- ha- anyway- we are all goign through this for some wonderfully awful reason- and God knows the plan- He knows the future- He understands our pain- longings and Mother's Day needs. I hate that this is so stinking hard- I have to grasp that the joy will come in the morning!!! it has to!!!! Everything I have ever been through in my life- which is quite a bit- joy eventually came- so this will too. God didn't give us these longings- gifts and desires for nothing!
At 12:04 PM,
x said…
I am not going anywhere near church this Sunday. I am sure god understands.
At 2:40 PM,
DrSpouse said…
It sounds like you are going through a really confusing time at the moment. Our Mothering Sunday is in Lent, and last year was only a couple of weeks after my first miscarriage - we avoided the regular morning service as it is really mother-focussed, and went to a quiet evening service.
I'll be thinking of you.
At 10:15 PM,
Nique said…
Hey Lisa
Before I had Jack I never use to go to Church on Mothers Day as it was to hard to go after having William die so I understand why you don't want to go. I am sorry you are having such hard time at the moment. I am thinking of you and L and praying for you both.
At 7:50 AM,
Jennifer said…
Found your blog through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The only way I get through Mother's Day is telling myself that the holiday is for my mother. Not just mothers in general, but MY mother. It seems to make it easier. DH and I have been TTC for 5 years and we've come to the realization that it's not going to happen.
Good luck getting through this weekend. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home