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You Could Always Adopt. . .

Adopted 3 boys out of foster care, then got pregnant for my beautiful daughter, now currently pregnant again with twins.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Counting Blessings

I'm thinking of some ideas for our Thanksgiving lesson for our high school religious education program. There is about 12 of us that "group teach", with the youth minister usually giving the talk (lecture) and the rest of us helping out (although we're more than welcome to give the talk also). Now I am EXTREMELY shy until I get used to a new group of people. We have now divided into small planning groups to spread out some of the workload. Our group has the Thanksgiving Sunday talk. I am thinking about taking a brave step of courage and giving this talk.

The issues I'm facing is, "will I be a hypocrite?" God has giving me so many blessings, that I seldom acknowledge because I'm too busy being depressed at not having children. Do you think my life experience will help to get the message accross? Anyway, I want to give more involved than I am, so I think I am just going to do it. Maybe I will learn something from myself?

It seems that lately, nothing that used to be fun is fun anymore. I get near tears with even commercials with babies. Also, L ordered a subscription to Parenting magazine and it seems like the subscription will never end as they keep coming in month after month. Yes, I know he could throw them away, but why not dream? Doesn't everyone plan how to spend the millions they're going to win after buying a lottery ticket when they know all they're doing is losing a dollar? Well, I guess I'm dreaming of what it will be like to be a Mommy. Reading the magazine is both addicting and depressing. Even in my dreams, when I'm cuddling my baby only to suddenly wake up and have emptiness, yet I still long for the next dream where I once again have a baby in my arms.

I'm trying so hard to be thankful for what I have, but I have an empty hole inside of me. I know Jesus wants to fill that hole and I'm trying to put it all in his hands, but it's just so hard to let go.I'm TERRIFIED to even imagine that children are not in His plan. I'm praying that children are just now in His plan right now, but are in His plan. How do I cope with the waiting and lonlienss until then? I would gladly sacrifice other things if I could have children. I've done everything right. Got married, got a job, bought a house. Now what? I have to extra bedrooms with no one to fill them.


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