Help Me Name Bubbles(see criteria in my comments)

I need your help coming up with a name for Bubbles. A real name. One I could change to if we get to keep her. I know some of you are highly against name changing, but with her name, it would be kinda cruel not to.

Oh yeah, Bubbles' mom is already causing lots of problems and griping about everything we do. CASA says she's just getting desperate. When are these "parents" gonna learn that griping about the caseworker and foster parents will not get your kids back!

TPR

Smiley's TPR date is scheduled May 1.

I'm happy, but won't believe it til' it happens.

His surgery is just days before TPR so now we get to babysit bio mom one last time.

I just "might" be a mommy by the end of the year!

I'm a little irritated. We were JUST informed that they were picking up Bubbles to visit her dad since he couldn't make it last week. Thank goodness I did not have to transport her, but good thing I didn't have a doctor appt. for her. She has a little cough I'm watching closely now. I had nothing packed for her, no bottles, extra clothes. Daycare teacher will pack her a bag and bottle thank goodness.

I LOVE Bottle Feeding!!

I am absolutely adoring Bubbles, especially our feeding time. I love how she stares at me with those big blue eyes while she eats. Sometimes she stops drinking to smile or laugh at me. I melt. Of course, I'm a little irritated when she does it at the 3-4am feeding, but it does help me know it was worth me getting out of bed.

Bubbles is also a happy baby. I REALLY hope I do not jinx things writing what I'm about to write. She wakes up, she's happy. She comes home, she's happy. She gets in her swing, she's happy. You pick her up, she's so damn excited she squeals in laughter.

Bonding has definately happened. As I was writing last week about not feeling as head over hills as with Smiley and Princess, I imagined it wouldn't be long before that feeling changed. It wasn't. I'm hooked and she has me wrapped around her little finger.

It's been a week yesterday and my heart already breaks at the thought of her leaving. I know I'm supposed to be a good foster mom and be happy if she goes back to her family, but mom was given the choice to live in a group home and not have her baby taken.

I still don't know what will happen, but her loss will hit me hard. All these great things about her just makes me have a gut feeling I will lose her. I know she's not mine, but like I tell L, I am "mommy" to these babies until the judge says otherwise. She's a happy, healthy baby. They never sent us a healthy baby, so I wonder if that means we won't get to keep her.

Bubbles is an easy baby to care for. After Smiley and Princess, I feel like she is almost no work at all(I am sure jinxing myself to an up all nighter with Bubbles now). I love Smiley to death, but his neediness has made caring for a healthy baby so much more exciting and a blessing. I guess I never realized how much work Smiley was until now. It's so easy. I just give her a bottle, she drinks it, and she grows!

I'm still having feeding issues with Smiley. I tried putting an avacado in the food processor. It came out looking like chopped onions, so he didn't go for that. He wouldn't touch the refried beans either, although I could probably put them in his feeding tube.

His doctor is sending him to a stomach doctor to have him examined before we get into allergy testing. I tried getting his ENT to do allergy testing, but they don't test children under 5. They referred me to an allergist, but they don't take medicaid. I asked for prices to self pay(and expense it) but the nurse wasn't even sure if the doctor would allergy test him if the only symptom he had was vomiting. What does it matter? I'm gonna pay him! I want him tested!

Oh well, I covered my ass bringing it up to his pediatrician. Next time they bitch about him dropping weight, they better not blame me!

Who is Broken?

L and I, along with Bubbles and Smiley went to one of L's friend's wedding tonight. A lady he knew was asking about our babies and we told her we were adopting. She said, "So, which one of you can't have kids, you or her?" I was so shocked I couldn't speak. L said we just wanted to adopt through foster care.

I'm so proud of my babies. They weren't the loudest ones in church. We actually sat in the back with all the other loud kids and babies and we weren't the loudest. Of course, both babies decided to fart the whole time. Thank goodness they were silent! We thought both had nasty diapers, but nope, just gas.

Man, that little girl can seriously fart! Almost as good as Smiley. He must be teaching her bad habits already.

Can you believe the nerve of that woman? She was so blunt about it too!

Two Babies

Equals twice the work, but three times the fun:







Ok, off to check my email. Got some people I need to add to the palace. I haven't forgotten, just been busy, as you can see.

Visits

Well, Bubbles went on her first family visit today. I'm not sure how it went because transportation took her. After today, her visits will be the same time as Smiley's, every other week instead of every week as I originally thought. It always sucks bringing babies for the first visit. It's a reminder that this little bundle of joy is not mine.

I will also be leaving early to take her to the doctor. Her toe is red and looks infected. It's probably just a blister, and nothing, but since she's not mine, gonna get it checked out to cover my ass. Also, she already has a file at the same doctor Smiley goes to. I'm gonna ask the doctor if she has any health issues I should be aware of and have her do a quick check up on her. It is so weird calling to schedule an appointment and giving bio mom's name for the chart name. I'll probably leave Smiley at day care til I'm finished. It's rough trying to take them both in at the same time by myself.

Can You Keep a Secret?

Do you want to know a Secret? I simply cannot force myself to address Bubbles by her real name. We are alternating calling her Baby and Baby girl. I know it's a stupid thing to write about but it's really out there. I wish I could tell you, but I have to keep her name Secret. I may post about it and give ya'll some clues at the palace as long as you don't post your guesses in my comments. I wouldn't want to get in trouble. I was never too good at keeping Secrets, so I better shut up before you guess my Secret so Bubbles it is.

Bubbles has a CASA worker who told us not to get our hopes up but chances are we'll be keeping her. There is a lot more to the case we have not been told, but of course, I can't go into too much here, but it's looking good for us. Bubbles will be with us at least 45 days until the next court hearing. You want to know another Secret?? CASA said it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep our last slot open for the baby. I'm gonna try and remain cautiously optimistic and try to wait it out before getting excited. Yeah right!

I'm sure most of you read between the lines and figured out what I was trying to keep Secret. I cannot confirm what you already know, so don't put the answer in my comments please. I could risk getting in trouble. Robin is probably laughing hysterically now at the game I'm playing.

If you really do not know my Secret, email me.

Stronger

Princess' loss has made me stronger. I'm not sure if that's good or bad though. I never imagined I would have the strength to take a baby that just needed a foster home and not a foster/adoptive home. Perhaps losing Princess' has toughened me up to handle more than I could.

We were stuck in court ALL DAY waiting on Smiley's case to be heard. Sitting accross the courtroom I saw Bubbles and her mom(I'm gonna call her Bubbles, because that name is just hilarous and makes me laugh, and it also reflects her real name, which is "a very odd name."). Her mom and man she was with didn't look like foster parents, so I was wondering if Bubbles was about to come into care. After lunch the supervisor asked us if we'd take a baby, just to foster, because the judge was probably gonna order her into care. I figured, "why not. let's go for it." I knew exactly which baby she was talking about.

As we were almost pulling into MIL's driveway, L got the got to go pick up Bubbles. We turned around and drove back for the 3rd time that day. When we got to the office, I learned that she had already been in care previously for failure to thrive, which she obviously has overcome now cause she's good and plump. Mom is 17, and about 5 months pregnant, and it's already Bubbles second time in care in 5 months. I also learned that mom was given the opportunity to go to the group home with her baby and she could stay with her. She refused.

I have to keep telling myself that she is going home, even though the known facts may suggest otherwise. I keep in the back of my mind "what if." If things do not work out for her, we could possibly get and adopt both babies! The chance is slim right now and still too early. Relatives may come, not sure if they'd take 2 babies that close together.

I'm enjoying Bubbles, but haven't fell head over hills yet like with Smiley and Princess. Maybe I'm protecting myself and thinking I will just have her a little while to play with, like Scooter. I hope I can let my guard down soon. Of course, I've only had her for a night. I hope this feeling passes. I want to be able to give all of myself to her for the time she's with us and I know it's wrong to want to protect my heart.

I am at work today. I just can't justify leaving now knowing she is probably going home. She's old enough for daycare, it's paid and they will transport her every other week to visits. I told her we couldn't transport every week. Now, if something happens and it looks like we will get both babies, we will have to seriously consider changing our plans.

I had the two babies in the backseat and I swore I heard them babbling to each other. Smiley crawled right up to Bubbles and starting grabbing her face(he love's playing with faces now). I think he likes her. He didn't really notice Princess, but he think's she's kinda cool.

We were asked to take the teenage girl again. We said no. I told my dad and he asked why we didn't take her. She could help us around the house and with the babies. I am a daddy's girl and I value his advice very highly. I imagined him to say we should stay away from teenager's but I was shocked to hear the suggestion to help her out. Now, I'm seriously thinking about it. He had some good points, and answers for all my arguments against it. L seems to like her. I believe she asked about staying with us in court. My heart is torn on the decision, but I want to be obedient if God is calling me to take her. I just have so many fears.

I'm gonna give fostering a try with Bubbles and if I can handle sending her back, maybe I could get used to loving lots of kids for a short time.

Special Delivery

We went to court today for Smiley, we came home with a 5 month old baby girl. For now, she's only foster, but it's already her second time in care and mom is pg again, so we'll see what happens.

Ok, time to give her an internet name, so leave suggestions in my comments. She has big blue eyes, big head,bald, small nose and chubby.

Oh yeah, court decision, Smiley stays in care. We were at court all day and nothing was accomplished as usual.

Mmm...Crawfish!

I know I bitch a lot about living in this little small coon ass town, but it has its advantages...crawfish! Having access to fresh seafood is one of the advantages of living "down the bayou." There is actually a house for sale "on the bayou" I'm bugging L to set up for us to look at. It would be nice, but don't think the mosquitos would be too nice.

Someone gave L a sack of crawfish so we had us a nice crawfish boil. Yummy. Since I'm not pregnant, washed them down with a nice margarita. Ok, so crawfish are supposed to go with beer, but I never developed a taste for beer.

Of course, now I have tons of leftover crawfish to peel, so I will be spending some time peeling tomorrow, so I can have some to make a stew, and may have enough for L's mom to make him a fetticuni too, or I could batter them up and fry em'.

Oh yeah, did I tell you, Smiley has been saying Mama! More like Ma ma ma ma ma, but he said mama a couple times and raised his arms to me!

Smiley had another bad eating day today. I'm getting so frustrated having such a hard time feeding my baby and finding foods he can tolerate. Hopefully we can get him in for allergy testing soon.

Another Call

L got a call for a 2 yr old boy. He's already in a foster home that is over-full, so they cannot adopt him. A relative placement potential did not work out. I don't know if TPR happened or is happening soon, but they want him in an adoptive home.

My instinct is telling me to say no. I don't know why, but our worker told us to wait for what we want and not to take a child because you are tired of waiting. I may sound selfish, but I'm waiting for either: a baby girl, boy/girl sibling set(both under 3) or a girl/girl sibling set. Infertility doesn't leave me with much control over anything, but adopting I have some choice. Sometimes I hate having the option to say "no" but I do have a choice of whether or not to take a child.

I don't feel so bad, because I'm pretty sure a 2 year old adoptive placement would be easy to place right? I can't have babies and I want a baby, or at least a baby younger than Smiley. I want him to be the oldest.

I don't know what decision we will make and we have time, because he does not have to be moved immediately. If you remember, I almost said no to Smiley many times out of fear and it worked out, so it's too early to tell.

I'm sure I'm not making any sense tonight, but I'm missing my little girl so bad tonight.

Allergy Testing

Thank you all so much for the suggestions. L is gonna call and get him set up to get allergy tested. His ENT can do this, so that will save us the hassle of going the the pediatrician for a referal, going to the doctor for a consult, then finally scheduling the testing. Hopefully we can skip to getting him tested. Maybe this will give me a better idea of what foods I can experiment with.

Food allergies combined with feeding difficulties from his cleft palette is making things pretty challenging for me now. He is eating much better by spoon, but still not bottle feeding well, and is worse with the sippy cup.

He is definately doing much better now. We went from straight tube feeding to almost complete feeding by mouth. If I wasn't concerned about adding calories from the formula, I could almost get rid of the feeding tube. Right now it is still my safety net though.

It's strange how he was such a fat baby but now I'm trying to get him to gain some weight.

More On Feeding Issues

Ok, here's the deal with Smiley:

1. Ever since surgery, he has no longer tolerated pedisure. He did fine with it before, but now I give it to him, it comes back up.

2. Tried soy milk. I knew he wouldn't drink it, so I put some in his feeding tube. It came back up almost instantly.

3. I never tried cow milk. Thinking pedisure has milk in it(?) I was afraid to try regular milk. I may experiment soon with an once by feeding tube and see what happens.

4. I may repeat milk experiment with pedisure and see what happens.

5. He is only eating baby foods now. He is so behind in eating, we are still on baby food. I'm not sure if he knows how to chew well enough for table food, but if you have any suggestions, let me know.

6. I may try the refried beans, but beans make me gag, but I'll try and see if he will eat them. He's picky like me.

7. He is on Isomil 2 toddler formula. He does not like it. Day care teachers somehow get it down him mixing with his food or cereal. I add instant breakfast sometimes for flavor and calories and sometimes have luck getting him to drink it.

8. I'm trying to find the right balance between formula and baby food. He will eat baby food til he's full, but I need to get the formula in him too. It's tricky. If I tube feed the formula and the belly is full, it comes up like last night.

9. With his feeding difficulties, I never can tell when he turns his head away if it means he's full, just playing, or just tired of trying to eat.

10. I tried mashed potatos with butter(which also make me gag) and he did not like it either.

Anyway, here's what I need. Something soft like baby food, tastes good and is high in calories, but doesn't contain milk. Any suggestions?

I think he looks healthy too but he lost a couple pounds and doctor was concerned and I don't want them reporting me so I need to be on top of this. Not that they would do anything because they know we feed him, but it's the idea.

We really need to get him adopted soon.

Smiley Crawls!!

We have finally hit the crawling milestone. He's been scooting, but tonight he was definately crawling. He's not too fast yet and I'm not having to constantly chase him, but I have a feeling that's coming soon.

Now, if I could only put weight on him. Check out the now pics of Smiley at the palace. Does he look underweight? He's 16 months old now. Am I worrying too much? I've been worried since his last doctor appointment he lost a couple pounds. Dr. put him back on formula but he doesn't like it. Now I find myself trying to find the balance between giving him enough calories between spoon feeding and tube feeding and overfeeding and having him throw up. Tube feeding can be challenging sometimes. Guess I'll make another dr. appointment. I can't wait til he's out of foster care and I don't have to worry about calling the doctor to cover my ass for every little thing.

I feel like a bad mother. Why can't I get any weight on him?

I really hope my next baby comes without a feeding tube.

The "Sac"

Ok, I'm gonna dream a little because I'm sure this scenario is impossible, but let's pretend:

What if the "sac" in my uterus wasn't fluid from the ruptured cyst,but really a pregnancy? My period hasn't really started full force yet. Yes, I had 2 negative PG tests yesterday, and if I were, it's not good news that I wouldn't have detectable amounts of HCG anyway.

Well, I'm not gonna be crazy enough to hope for the impossible, but I have started to realize how much I'd really like to become pregnant. Adopting is nice, but I still don't have any kids who are legally mine. Wouldn't it just be great if I could give birth and by just giving birth, the baby will actually be mine!

It's crazy how infertility will cause you to grasp on the craziest things for hope like:

Maybe it's not my period, just light spotting, maybe implantational bleeding.

My periods 15-20 days like...maybe I could actually be pregnant.

I'm adopting now, adoption causes pregnancy right?

The "sac" could be a baby right?

There's gonna be a second line on the pg test today...

After losing Princess, infertility really started hitting me again. I can't just have another baby(not that it would replace her). I think about all I will have to go through, and the waiting for the possibility of getting another baby I can keep.

L and I are considering another IUI. I don't know if we will go through with it, still so much money for so little success rate. I think if/when we are called for another baby, pregnancy won't be as important anymore as I'll be busy again.

OUCH!!! (Updated)

I woke up in pain, thinking it was cramping, I popped some midol. Then the pain migrated to my right side. Pain so bad I was buckled over and nearly fainted.

Went to the ER, became a pincushion, got a cat scan. I actually asked if bloodwork showed pregnancy...negative of course.

Cat scan showed something on my right ovary. Hospital didn't know what it was so was told to follow up with OB/gyn. The local ob/gyn squeezed me in. I had a hot date with the dildo cam(this one really liked me), then was told by doctor's wife he had to leave for emergency c-section(lucky chick).

Anyway, have to go back at 1:30. Have fun trying to diagnose me if you like.

How lovely, one month after losing my baby, I'm slapped in the face with my infertility issues! Never a dull moment.

When I said I was bored last week, I was bored wanting GOOD news.

Update: Well, I'm back. I had a ruptured cyst! What a great day! Ultrasound showed what appeared to be a sac in my uterus and did another pg test, which was negative, of course. It appears the "sac" is probably fluid from the ruptured cyst. Everything should work its way back to normal and don't need to do anything else unless I have more problems. I love the dr. though, and he's local, and does IUI's(of course very pricey though). We may give another IUI a try in the near future. Must go rest now.

Pain is Pain.

I received an email requesting an invite to the palace. She was telling me about her miscarriage and how she knew how I felt, but my pain was much greater since she was alive and I got to hold her and then lost her. I disagree. We both lost our baby. We both hurt.

I can't imagine my pain of only having her a few months be less than losing her after a few years. Love for your child is instant. Yes, your love for your child grows everyday, but I don't think the magnitude of pain changes if you've had longer with your child. I may be wrong, probably am.

What I'm trying to say is that each of our loss's hurt. We are not blessed to have a miscarriage because "at least" the baby didn't die after a few months.

Dealing with infertility, I'd often get compared with other relatives as an attempt to make me feel like I'm not an outsider. Example: "Cousin A had a few miscarriages before she had her babies." "Cousin B had a late miscarriage/stillborn and then had a healthy daughter." My replies were, "I know, but they could GET PREGNANT." Not that I want to get pregnant just for the sake of getting pregnant and then lose the baby. I just have yet to reach the milestone of achieving pregnancy. I was wrong then.

I'm obviously not talking about any of my readers, but the real world. You all know any loss sucks and know it is not easy to pick yourself back up after a failed cycle, miscarriage, losing a baby to Jesus, or losing a foster child to his/her biological family.

I'm getting the vibes from people that "it was only my foster child." Why on Earth would you want to pay for a funeral for a foster child? You can pick up and move on because she wasn't "your" daughter.

Anyone thinking you possibly couldn't love a child the same you didn't give birth to should look into Princess' and Smiley's eyes. How could the love be any different?

What I'm trying to say is we all hurt. Some pain is stronger, but it's still pain. I'm so blessed to have everyone reading and supporting us through our struggles...it makes the pain bearable and gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Wanting Another Baby Girl.

This is going to sound selfish, but I want another baby girl. Not that I'd turn down an infant boy though. I'm bored. I know many of you would love to have one child, but I feel empty when I just have one child in my home. Don't get me wrong. I love Smiley to death. I love getting to sleep through the night and occasional naps on the weekend, but I want another baby!

Nothing has been happening the last few weeks being foster parents. Just a couple of "tease" placements that didn't work out.

When I say I'm bored, I mean I want something good and exciting to happen. The lack of drama(well new drama) is nice, but I REALLY need something good and exciting to happen. All we've been getting is bad news, horrible news, delays and more bad news.

I cry for the loss of my Princess, but also grow impatient. Will we ever get another baby girl? Did I mess up our only chance? Will we ever get TPR on Smiley? What is the judge gonna rule at the next court hearing? Who will show up to represent Smiley? Will his bio dad show up and testify against mom?

Anyway, nothing is happening and it's driving me crazy. I will follow my own advice and wait for another match for us.

I just really need something good to happen. I'm tired of being sad.

Slideshow and Roll Call for the Palace

I linked to the funeral slideshow at Princess' palace. It will only be on their website until April, so take a peak now. Scroll to the second post to find it.

If any of you have requested invitations and did not get the email, please email me again. I am not meaning to exclude anyone, I just have to know who my readers are. If you asked for an invite, and told me about yourself, you should have gotten an email.

Turned Down a Baby Girl

Last week we got a call for a newborn baby girl and what we thought was here 16 yr old sister. They were placed with another worker.

Yesterday, Smileys caseworker calls and begs us to take them again, only now we learn she is the baby's mom, not sister. Apparantly the foster parents got mad at her for throwing the cat out her room, but the cat kept getting in the bassinet with the baby.

Here's the twist though: bio dad is in jail and an Indian. To make a long story short, the tribe's social services can go over the state's head and take the baby, leaving me with a teenager, and both of us with a lost daughter.

Today, they called and asked if we could just take the baby temporarily. I told them we couldn't, not with the tribe involved, plus I think it's wrong to take her from her mommy.

That's all the details I have(and probably more than I should have mentioned), so I can't answer anymore questions.

I just feel like I'm being teased with this baby girl offered to me three times already. With the current information I have now, I just can't.

Day Care Teacher?

I was dropping Smiley off at daycare and the owner asked me if I knew anyone who wanted a job. I asked her, "to work here?" She said yea. I told her I would think about it. She needs someone for the babies and toddlers.

What do you think? I could get a little money and still be with my kids all day. It could probably go part time to so I can get the kids to appointments and visits, maybe even go back to school to get my teaching certificate.

It would be a pay cut, but I'd have so much more flexibility, and get to see Smiley all day.

I'm seriously gonna consider it.

To Enter the Palace

Email me at lhotard79@yahoo.com. If you just comment, I probably won't be computer smart enough to find your email address on your blog. If I don't know you, tell me about yourself. If you're in my links, I know you.

I've made Princess' Palace a private blog. I want to add pics and since she died a foster child, this is the only way. Plus I want to vent more.

Email me if you want to be invited and have not already received an invitation.

Interrogations

Please send your prayers to the daycare owner and teacher. They both have to go into the police station tomorrow to be questioned about our little Princess's death. I know there's nothing that could have been done and it's just procedure, but it must be terrifying! The worst part will be the sadness of having to tell the story all over again. I feel so bad for what they are having to go through.

This breaks my heart that stuff like this is still happening.

Princess' bio grandma called L today. She's been to the grave and the headstone hasn't been delivered. She checked on it for us and they had the dates backwards and have to fix it now. She also said bio mom would like to see us. I wonder if they have visiting hours on weekends. I don't mind hearing from them, but I'm not happy that she has our home number(although I think L gave it to her). Just worried about potential safety issues. I am glad to hear that she is visiting her grave since it had to be so far from us.

It's weird because the other day I had this strange desire to go visit Princess' mom and I don't know why. Jails do kinda freak me out, but L said he'd go, and I may too if it can be on a weekend. Can't miss work for that though.

Update On Twins

They will only be in foster care for a little while and be moved to a relative's home. I'm a little disappointed, but I guess my baby will come one day.

Nice Distraction

Yesterday, we decided to take a drive to see my parents. We went to a home and garden show and met Robin there. We saw lots of nice stuff and did lots of daydreaming about really expensive stuff and how lovely they would look in our homes. I got some cards from contractors for work we'd like to do, but I doubt they will travel to my area to work.

Afterward, my mom fried chicken and we sat around the table and talked. Just had a nice time and I wasn't consumed with sadness all day for the first time in a long time.

I just found out we have a new addition to our family. L just found out from an ex from 12 years ago, yes, I said TWELVE YEARS AGO, that her 11 yr old son is his. It's a long story and her motives for bringing this out were evil. We've been fighting this 6 mos now and dna just showed he was L's boy.

How did I react? Shocked of course, but been adjusting to the possiblity over the last several months. Nothing I can do but adjust to having an 11 yr old stepson now. I'm not mad or hurt, I can't be, it happened long before we met. All we can do now is try to make the adjustment as easy as possible for the boy. I can't imagine how he's feeling now. I am angry at his mom for keeping him from L for 11 years, and then coming out of nowhere and telling him his dad he's known all his life is not his real dad.

Why all of a sudden? Her niece worked at our bank and snooped in our account and thought we were loaded(yeah right). Of course, she leaked this info to her and she saw dollar signs! I guess she thought now she could go for back child support and get thousands of dollars all at once.

It does kinda hurt that she was able to have his child and I could not. Please don't email me about this issue, just leave comments here. L and I share email and I'm not sure he'd want me writing about this, but I needed to get it out. I'm not gonna go on much more about this except mentioning him when he visits.

Our attorney is working things out where we pay expenses for him(private school, insurance, little things he needs) and shouldn't have to give any money directly to her because of some other issues that were uncovered while she chose to tear her family apart thinking she would get a little money!

Our home development worker was notified and everything is fine. He lives out of state and will only be visiting so it won't affect our adoption so that's good. I told L I was ok, as long as I could still be a stay at home mom when we get our next baby.

Please pray for the little guy that is isn't messed up by this discovery.

Thank You

To whoever wrote this beautiful message, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cried both times reading it at work. I will print this out and put in her scrapbook:

Anonymous said:

Once there was a little baby, she lay all alone in a hospital. All she felt was sadness and emptiness. But this is all she had ever felt, so she knew no different. Then one day a miracle happened, as she lay all alone she looked up and there next to her stood a smiling face. She didn't know who this smile belonged to she only knew that this smile made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And the baby no longer felt empty inside. The smiling stranger returned with another smiling friend. And the baby no longer felt alone. When the smiling friends weren't there beautiful light shone around the baby with wings of love. The baby was now happy. One day one of the smiling friends reached in and picked the baby up, she was thrilled. Then another friend came in and held her for along time. It was then that the baby realized this wasn't just a smiling friend, this was her Mommy. She knew she must have one and that she'd get here eventually.
The baby now knew the greatest feeling on earth...LOVE! Days came and went but the baby was at ease now, she had a Mommy and she knew she was loved. One day her Mommy came and took her on along drive. The baby was confused, but she was happy because she was with her Mommy. And the days that followed the baby was happy because she knew love. Then one day the baby saw the beautiful bright light again and the wings of love. The baby told the angels she had a mommy and a daddy and a brother now so they could move on. But the angels told the baby her work here was done and she would now go home to be with Jesus. The baby was confused and didn't understand what work she had done. The angels told her that she had touched many lives and taught her Mommy what it means to love with the love of Christ. The baby had touched the lives of all the nurses and doctors, her caregivers at school, the other parents in the hospital & school, and so many others. God chose the Mommy to love this baby until the angels could bring her home to Jesus. The baby didn't want to leave her Mommy but the angels promised her that her Mommy would be okay. She told her that she could check on her mommy anytime she wanted and that she would still be able to feel her mommy's love and hear her mommy's words to her. With that the baby felt Jesus' arms reach out for her and into His loving arms she went. The story doesn't end here though...the Mommy was so sad because she didn't understand why the baby had to leave her. Then one night as she slept the mommy saw her baby in her dreams. Her baby told her to go on, that she had many more children to love and to teach about Jesus. The baby told her she would always love her and be with her. And the baby said Thank you, I first felt love from you and because of you I now live eternally in the arms of LOVE. You will always be my mommy and I will run into your arms some day. With that the mommy woke up and smiled. She knew she could go and love more children, with the heavenly help of her little baby, Princess

Falling Back

Warning: I'm greiving tonight and I want to grieve here so if it's too much for you, I understand if you want to skip this one.

I don't know what started it tonight. Perhaps it happened as I was watching one of my favorite TV shows tonight. A happy couple lost their baby and had to deliver a stillborn baby. I think I had lost it before that.

Maybe I thought I was tough enough to help her mom. I'm not. Outside, I appear normal, inside I'm a mess. Sometimes, I'm fine, even smiling. Others, I just need time to myself to cry.

I got out of bed tonight and L asked where I was going. I told him I needed some time with my daughter. What I meant was, I am in her room, looking at her pictures and things journaling. The funeral home made us a slideshow, which I will probably watch when I'm finished then attempt to go back to sleep.

I'm looking at her prayer card from the funeral home, hospital bracelet and newspaper announcement. Why do they all have to be for my baby girl?

I hope I get another baby girl soon, not to replace her, which can never be done, but to have some happy news. Even if I could at least get TPR for Smiley.

Writing works wonders. Already feeling a little better.

Working is difficult. I have no ambition to do much of anything. I force myself to push on, because being home sad isn't going to help me.

I just really could use some happy news for our family.

Counseling

First of all, no news yet on the twins. We did get a call yesterday for a newborn baby girl, the catch? She had a 16 yr old sister. Those of you who remember my exchange student experience will understand why we're not ready for teenagers.

Princess' worker called L and asked if I needed counseling. L said I'd call if I wanted to. Yes, I need someone to talk to. No, I am not going to see one of their counselors the state pays to see the bio parents and write bad reports on them. I am going to refuse. There is nothing they can say to make me feel better, and I don't need them reccommending to social services I need regular counseling so they can get another paycheck. I will simply tell her I'm getting support through our church.

She also told me that Princess' mom is still taking things VERY badly, is in solitary confinement and on watch. I know I could get in trouble for saying that, but I need your help to help her. I feel the need to try to help her. I don't know how or what I could do. We would like to send her a card. I am praying over the write words to say. I have faith that she is at a point in her life now where she could turn it around for the better. Because I love Princess so much, I love her too. I know I shouldn't this involved with my foster kid's parents, but I somehow feel drawn to do something, I just don't know what or how.

Any ideas? I really pray that she changes her life, comes back to Jesus and will get to see her little girl again one day in heaven. I'm not saying I think I can change her, or reach her, but I'm praying that if I cannot, God shows me who can and how I can get that person to reach her.