Falling Back
Warning: I'm greiving tonight and I want to grieve here so if it's too much for you, I understand if you want to skip this one.
I don't know what started it tonight. Perhaps it happened as I was watching one of my favorite TV shows tonight. A happy couple lost their baby and had to deliver a stillborn baby. I think I had lost it before that.
Maybe I thought I was tough enough to help her mom. I'm not. Outside, I appear normal, inside I'm a mess. Sometimes, I'm fine, even smiling. Others, I just need time to myself to cry.
I got out of bed tonight and L asked where I was going. I told him I needed some time with my daughter. What I meant was, I am in her room, looking at her pictures and things journaling. The funeral home made us a slideshow, which I will probably watch when I'm finished then attempt to go back to sleep.
I'm looking at her prayer card from the funeral home, hospital bracelet and newspaper announcement. Why do they all have to be for my baby girl?
I hope I get another baby girl soon, not to replace her, which can never be done, but to have some happy news. Even if I could at least get TPR for Smiley.
Writing works wonders. Already feeling a little better.
Working is difficult. I have no ambition to do much of anything. I force myself to push on, because being home sad isn't going to help me.
I just really could use some happy news for our family.
I don't know what started it tonight. Perhaps it happened as I was watching one of my favorite TV shows tonight. A happy couple lost their baby and had to deliver a stillborn baby. I think I had lost it before that.
Maybe I thought I was tough enough to help her mom. I'm not. Outside, I appear normal, inside I'm a mess. Sometimes, I'm fine, even smiling. Others, I just need time to myself to cry.
I got out of bed tonight and L asked where I was going. I told him I needed some time with my daughter. What I meant was, I am in her room, looking at her pictures and things journaling. The funeral home made us a slideshow, which I will probably watch when I'm finished then attempt to go back to sleep.
I'm looking at her prayer card from the funeral home, hospital bracelet and newspaper announcement. Why do they all have to be for my baby girl?
I hope I get another baby girl soon, not to replace her, which can never be done, but to have some happy news. Even if I could at least get TPR for Smiley.
Writing works wonders. Already feeling a little better.
Working is difficult. I have no ambition to do much of anything. I force myself to push on, because being home sad isn't going to help me.
I just really could use some happy news for our family.
posted by Lisa @ 7:42 PM
4 Comments:
At 5:00 AM,
TeamWinks said…
All of this sounds like part of the grieving process. I wish I had something that I could give you to magically erase all that pain. I really wish there was a such thing as a magic eraser. You loved your angel, and every day that goes by you honor Princess' memory in some small way. I have never lost a child, and would never presume to know what I could say to help you move forward. I have lost MANY family members, and all I can do is live the best I can to make them proud of who I am.
I hope you continue healing, and get some good news soon. Hugs, Becky
At 6:05 AM,
Megamom said…
oHugs dreammommy. Wish I could be there to give you one in person. Still praying for your family.
At 7:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
Once there was a little baby, she lay all alone in a hospital. All she felt was sadness and emptiness. But this is all she had ever felt, so she knew no different. Then one day a miracle happened, as she lay all alone she looked up and there next to her stood a smiling face. She didn't know who this smile belonged to she only knew that this smile made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And the baby no longer felt empty inside. The smiling stranger returned with another smiling friend. And the baby no longer felt alone. When the smiling friends weren't there beautiful light shone around the baby with wings of love. The baby was now happy. One day one of the smiling friends reached in and picked the baby up, she was thrilled. Then another friend came in and held her for along time. It was then that the baby realized this wasn't just a smiling friend, this was her Mommy. She knew she must have one and that she'd get here eventually.
The baby now knew the greatest feeling on earth...LOVE! Days came and went but the baby was at ease now, she had a Mommy and she knew she was loved. One day her Mommy came and took her on along drive. The baby was confused, but she was happy because she was with her Mommy. And the days that followed the baby was happy because she knew love. Then one day the baby saw the beautiful bright light again and the wings of love. The baby told the angels she had a mommy and a daddy and a brother now so they could move on. But the angels told the baby her work here was done and she would now go home to be with Jesus. The baby was confused and didn't understand what work she had done. The angels told her that she had touched many lives and taught her Mommy what it means to love with the love of Christ. The baby had touched the lives of all the nurses and doctors, her caregivers at school, the other parents in the hospital & school, and so many others. God chose the Mommy to love this baby until the angels could bring her home to Jesus. The baby didn't want to leave her Mommy but the angels promised her that her Mommy would be okay. She told her that she could check on her mommy anytime she wanted and that she would still be able to feel her mommy's love and hear her mommy's words to her. With that the baby felt Jesus' arms reach out for her and into His loving arms she went. The story doesn't end here though...the Mommy was so sad because she didn't understand why the baby had to leave her. Then one night as she slept the mommy saw her baby in her dreams. Her baby told her to go on, that she had many more children to love and to teach about Jesus. The baby told her she would always love her and be with her. And the baby said Thank you, I first felt love from you and because of you I now live eternally in the arms of LOVE. You will always be my mommy and I will run into your arms some day. With that the mommy woke up and smiled. She knew she could go and love more children, with the heavenly help of her little baby, Princess!
At 10:36 AM,
Amanda said…
I'm glad the writing is helping. And bless Anonymous for those lovely words.
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