Pain is Pain.
I received an email requesting an invite to the palace. She was telling me about her miscarriage and how she knew how I felt, but my pain was much greater since she was alive and I got to hold her and then lost her. I disagree. We both lost our baby. We both hurt.
I can't imagine my pain of only having her a few months be less than losing her after a few years. Love for your child is instant. Yes, your love for your child grows everyday, but I don't think the magnitude of pain changes if you've had longer with your child. I may be wrong, probably am.
What I'm trying to say is that each of our loss's hurt. We are not blessed to have a miscarriage because "at least" the baby didn't die after a few months.
Dealing with infertility, I'd often get compared with other relatives as an attempt to make me feel like I'm not an outsider. Example: "Cousin A had a few miscarriages before she had her babies." "Cousin B had a late miscarriage/stillborn and then had a healthy daughter." My replies were, "I know, but they could GET PREGNANT." Not that I want to get pregnant just for the sake of getting pregnant and then lose the baby. I just have yet to reach the milestone of achieving pregnancy. I was wrong then.
I'm obviously not talking about any of my readers, but the real world. You all know any loss sucks and know it is not easy to pick yourself back up after a failed cycle, miscarriage, losing a baby to Jesus, or losing a foster child to his/her biological family.
I'm getting the vibes from people that "it was only my foster child." Why on Earth would you want to pay for a funeral for a foster child? You can pick up and move on because she wasn't "your" daughter.
Anyone thinking you possibly couldn't love a child the same you didn't give birth to should look into Princess' and Smiley's eyes. How could the love be any different?
What I'm trying to say is we all hurt. Some pain is stronger, but it's still pain. I'm so blessed to have everyone reading and supporting us through our struggles...it makes the pain bearable and gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
I can't imagine my pain of only having her a few months be less than losing her after a few years. Love for your child is instant. Yes, your love for your child grows everyday, but I don't think the magnitude of pain changes if you've had longer with your child. I may be wrong, probably am.
What I'm trying to say is that each of our loss's hurt. We are not blessed to have a miscarriage because "at least" the baby didn't die after a few months.
Dealing with infertility, I'd often get compared with other relatives as an attempt to make me feel like I'm not an outsider. Example: "Cousin A had a few miscarriages before she had her babies." "Cousin B had a late miscarriage/stillborn and then had a healthy daughter." My replies were, "I know, but they could GET PREGNANT." Not that I want to get pregnant just for the sake of getting pregnant and then lose the baby. I just have yet to reach the milestone of achieving pregnancy. I was wrong then.
I'm obviously not talking about any of my readers, but the real world. You all know any loss sucks and know it is not easy to pick yourself back up after a failed cycle, miscarriage, losing a baby to Jesus, or losing a foster child to his/her biological family.
I'm getting the vibes from people that "it was only my foster child." Why on Earth would you want to pay for a funeral for a foster child? You can pick up and move on because she wasn't "your" daughter.
Anyone thinking you possibly couldn't love a child the same you didn't give birth to should look into Princess' and Smiley's eyes. How could the love be any different?
What I'm trying to say is we all hurt. Some pain is stronger, but it's still pain. I'm so blessed to have everyone reading and supporting us through our struggles...it makes the pain bearable and gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
posted by Lisa @ 10:24 AM
8 Comments:
At 11:09 AM,
FosterAbba said…
I think the experience of loving a foster child is different for everyone. For some people, they are able to instantly bond with their child as if the child was really their own.
Other families, like mine, struggle with attachment and forming a genuine, loving bond. Of course the main difference for us is that we are trying to create a bond with an 11-year-old who has experienced many years of bad parenting, while you are bonding with infants.
I think people are wrong to minimize your loss because your daughter was "only" your foster child. People attach in different ways and different times, and it's not fair for them to judge how you feel because the word "foster" was placed before your title as parent.
Again, I am very sorry for your loss.
At 11:45 AM,
GLouise said…
First of all, I agree with you, that no one can "win" the pain olympics.
Secondly, I think it really stinks that people in your " real life" just don't understand, and worse yet, don't even try to understand how you could love little Princess this way. Sad but true.
Your friends in the computer really do get it though. We're here for you.
At 1:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
It is so nice to know that you felt the requester's pain even though the situations were different. I had an aunt who tried to say having still born babies was worse than micarrying. We all couldn't understand because as you, we felt pain of losing a child is just that. I had an ectopic and had no choice but to abort my pregnancy I had so dreamed of having, I still love that child just as I love the miracle child I am carrying now.
Your devotion to your foster children should be applauded, to love them as their own, even knowing they could go back to their biological families someday shows that you are in this for the right reasons.
I pray each time I read your blog that God is using you in such a great way and He will reward you. It is so hard waiting, but He asks us to wait on Him. A good friend told me this and that we needed to stop TRYING to conceive our child. When God sees fit to give you something, He doesn't ask you to TRY for it, He just rewards. Each of our journies is so different, but the one thing I know that you know, is that God is there through it all.
I hope this wasn't preachy, it wasn't meant to be. Keep doing what you are doing and you will be rewarded. Don't let anyone tell you what you are doing isn't for the right reasons or that it is "only" a foster child. All children are God's and they all deserve the very best.
Many blessings
At 1:46 PM,
LeftLeaningLady said…
There are so many things that I would like to say to you, but I can not find the words. You are an amazing person. I am so so very very sorry for your loss and amazed by the compassion that you are showing to that woman who gave birth to your daughter. My thoughts are with you.
At 2:02 PM,
Micky said…
Do not pay attention to people. What do they know?
When I got my first foster baby, I was very happy, now, we did not know what his situation was since his SW never informed us, every time we asked she was evasive. He was just 2 weeks with us, but I loved him (and still think constantly about him even though it has been two years)like his was my own. One day, all the sudden his SW called and said he was going to be placed with relatives and we had an hour to get him ready. It was a Friday, a beautiful summer day; but for me, it was winter in my heart. I spent the next 3 days in bed, crying my eyes out and I even got sick physically! Some coworkers said that I was overreacting, that I had him only for two weeks! how was possible to love a child in so little time? Well, I am only human and you would not know, unless you are in my shoes.
I hope it helps you to know that we can understand what you going through
At 6:07 PM,
x said…
I can't believe that people would try to discount your pain. The love you gave your little girl, both in the hospital and your own is not less because she was your foster child.
At 7:27 AM,
No Longer In Crisis said…
Just as it does we "mommys" no good to compare our children's accomplishments and compete in the mommy-wars - it also does no good to compare pain and loss (even the kind where you say that your loss is less than another's). The moment a social worker places a child in our arms, we become that child's parents - that's why we are called "foster parents" and not "babysitters". Folks still don't "get it", do they? Those who don't understand and say she was "just a foster child" have yet to truly extend their hearts and minds as you have. My prayer for them is that someday they get to experience even a small portion of the depth of love that you have. What a richness of blessing and fullness of life!
At 8:18 AM,
Julie said…
You are correct- "pain is pain is pain is pain is pain....." What is painful to me may not be painful to you but does that make it any less painful to me??? Nope. I agree with everyone who has commented. We foster parents are these children's PARENTS- they deserve all the love we can give them. For me- it was devastating sending my Sugarbean back to live with grandma as I had loved her as my own for 7 months. I did get through it - mostly with the help of my Gracie. I got her a month before sb left. I was able to transfer all that love to her. I still miss sb but the memories of her are fading- I am sad about that but I know it is part of the healing process for me. I have to be able to focus on my girls that I have the amazing opportunity to love and care for right now. I still catch myself calling Gracie -SB once in a while and it makes me smile. I miss her but I have to trust that God is protecting her. It is out of my control. (dang it) :(
We all feel things differently- no one has cornered the market on what is the "right" way to grieve- feel- love. We just have to hold these precious children just like we would our own birth children- "loosley." As much as we would like to believe differently- we don't truly have control of anything. We can just walk day by day doing the next best thing. For us foster parents- the next best thing is to love, care and protect those who are put in our care.
I am rambling but I am trying to say- I understand- I am here for you! Hang in there!
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