Stronger

Princess' loss has made me stronger. I'm not sure if that's good or bad though. I never imagined I would have the strength to take a baby that just needed a foster home and not a foster/adoptive home. Perhaps losing Princess' has toughened me up to handle more than I could.

We were stuck in court ALL DAY waiting on Smiley's case to be heard. Sitting accross the courtroom I saw Bubbles and her mom(I'm gonna call her Bubbles, because that name is just hilarous and makes me laugh, and it also reflects her real name, which is "a very odd name."). Her mom and man she was with didn't look like foster parents, so I was wondering if Bubbles was about to come into care. After lunch the supervisor asked us if we'd take a baby, just to foster, because the judge was probably gonna order her into care. I figured, "why not. let's go for it." I knew exactly which baby she was talking about.

As we were almost pulling into MIL's driveway, L got the got to go pick up Bubbles. We turned around and drove back for the 3rd time that day. When we got to the office, I learned that she had already been in care previously for failure to thrive, which she obviously has overcome now cause she's good and plump. Mom is 17, and about 5 months pregnant, and it's already Bubbles second time in care in 5 months. I also learned that mom was given the opportunity to go to the group home with her baby and she could stay with her. She refused.

I have to keep telling myself that she is going home, even though the known facts may suggest otherwise. I keep in the back of my mind "what if." If things do not work out for her, we could possibly get and adopt both babies! The chance is slim right now and still too early. Relatives may come, not sure if they'd take 2 babies that close together.

I'm enjoying Bubbles, but haven't fell head over hills yet like with Smiley and Princess. Maybe I'm protecting myself and thinking I will just have her a little while to play with, like Scooter. I hope I can let my guard down soon. Of course, I've only had her for a night. I hope this feeling passes. I want to be able to give all of myself to her for the time she's with us and I know it's wrong to want to protect my heart.

I am at work today. I just can't justify leaving now knowing she is probably going home. She's old enough for daycare, it's paid and they will transport her every other week to visits. I told her we couldn't transport every week. Now, if something happens and it looks like we will get both babies, we will have to seriously consider changing our plans.

I had the two babies in the backseat and I swore I heard them babbling to each other. Smiley crawled right up to Bubbles and starting grabbing her face(he love's playing with faces now). I think he likes her. He didn't really notice Princess, but he think's she's kinda cool.

We were asked to take the teenage girl again. We said no. I told my dad and he asked why we didn't take her. She could help us around the house and with the babies. I am a daddy's girl and I value his advice very highly. I imagined him to say we should stay away from teenager's but I was shocked to hear the suggestion to help her out. Now, I'm seriously thinking about it. He had some good points, and answers for all my arguments against it. L seems to like her. I believe she asked about staying with us in court. My heart is torn on the decision, but I want to be obedient if God is calling me to take her. I just have so many fears.

I'm gonna give fostering a try with Bubbles and if I can handle sending her back, maybe I could get used to loving lots of kids for a short time.