Twins??

That got your attention huh?

Before I go on: Yes, we are crazy. No, we are not over losing Princess and will never be. No, they will not replace Princess. Are we ready for this so soon? I don't know, I put it in God's hand and if it's His will, it will happen. Our worker, L and I decided not to put our home on hold, but pray and be selective over possible placements.

Ok, I'm sure most of you skipped that paragraph and want the details. This is a very big IF, because a lot of things would have to fall into place.

Ok, the details

Twin girls

2 months old

One is perfectly healthy. One has a fractured skull but appears to be doing fine and is not hospitalized.

Possible complications:

They are not in our region, so some red tape would have to be cut

Our home development worker will have to sign a waiver for having more than 2 kids under two(which she will).

If it appears to be temporary, we will not accept them. You can bash me for being selfish, but we're not ready for another loss. I know there's never a guarantee, but we're only taking them if they are a poor prognosis case.

I'm not sure what the chance is of everything falling into place, but I'm excited about the possibility. I know it's still so soon after losing Princess, but I still want more children and I can't logically justify turning turn a poor prognosis baby placement.

I had a troll the other day comment that I sickened them. I must be really horrible now.

Tell me I'm crazy if you want, but I'm being honest. I don't know what will happen, but it's in God's hands now and it is lifting my spirits with the possibility of a couple more babies to love.

Good News Maybe?

Smiley's caseworker called L today saying the attorney in charge of getting a TPR hearing contacted her. She needed her to send some things from Smiley's folder because she was trying to get a TPR hearing date before the next court date. The next court date is in the next few weeks.

I've heard this line many times before, but do you think this could really be it this time? Will Smiley finally get his TPR hearing before we have to go to court again?

Like I've said, we've heard many "false alarms" regarding a TPR hearing date, so not getting my hopes up yet.

If this works out, this could be the great news our family DESPERATELY needs. Finally getting to adopt our baby boy would be such a blessing after all the hard times we have been having.

Please God, let this be it, and soon!

Please, please, send lots of prayers that his hearing date is sometime within the next month.

Training Hours Complete!

Well, I managed to complete my 8 hours remaining to keep my foster parent license today. I love the internet. Smiley actually played quitely and let me complete my classes.

Hubby on the other hand came bugging me when I was almost done with my last class. I told him he needed to go find something to so I can finish this before we get another placement. He walked backed to our room like a puppy dog not getting any attention.

I guess I don't have to tell you who's the bigger baby and who needs more attention.

I'm good to go until 6/30/08 now! What a great distraction that was.

Where Do I Go Next?

On the road to attempt to become parents we've endured the following:

1. L losing a kidney and killing his sperm count.
2. L going through surgery attempting to repair things.
3. Several failed months of clomid
4. 3 failed IUI's
5. One really fun HSG showing my tubes were open.
6. A laproscopy for me finding endometriosis.
7. Lupron=putting me into menopause for 3 months, which actually lasted much longer.
8. Foster/adopt classes and homestudy.
9. Smiley coming staffed for immediate TPR, still awaiting hearing date almost a year later.
10. Scooter coming and leaving after a month.
11. Death of our beloved Princess.

Where do we go next? Wait for another baby girl? Take my clomid prescription given to me several months ago still unused? Get back on the ART rollercoaster?

L actually got a call last week for another child. He said it's too soon and didn't even ask about it.

How much more bad news must we endure before we go nuts? Infertility loss followed by a loss of your infant is just wrong! I know babies die, but why did it have to be our baby?

Will I ever get to be a mommy? A mommy with children that are legally mine?

I Can't handle This

Ok, I was a bit harsh about Smiley's mom yesterday. I did email her pictures and really wasn't meaning to not send them, but then I got distracted with this and that. Thanks fostermommy for snapping me out of it. She would have used that in court. Of course, she will likely still lie in court saying we didn't give her pictures, so I printed out the email as proof.

I just cannot deal with her right now on top of everything else going on. We had transportation bring Smiley to the visit yesterday and will probably do the same again in two weeks. That way we get a break from her til court.

My biggest fear is that Smiley's mom finds out about Princess. If she does, I GUARANTEE she will testify in court saying that we killed her and how can Smiley be safe with us when we killed Princess? Yes, she is that bad and would stoop that low.

If she does this, how do I contain myself? How do I not burst into tears? That would just be so harsh, I don't know if I could handle it. Do you the the attorneys would object? Would they shut her down or let her carry on?

I just wish Smiley's case would move along so we could have some good news for once!

Witch Is Looking for a New Job

You'll never guess where she applied....The witch actually applied to work for CASA. One of the supervisor's there asked what L thought. L told him she doesn't need to work with kids. The guy said he's heard bad things but wanted his opinion too. You will be glad to hear Witch will not be working for CASA.

Smiley's mom had a visit today and was bitching cause he had a fever(he got shots yesterday. Then bitching because L and I don't tell her anything or bring her pictures. Hmmm.. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU LIED ABOUT US IN COURT!!

The CASA supervisor is gonna ask the judge if Smiley can get a CASA worker. If he can, the CASA will work on getting visits stopped and a TPR trial date. We'll see if it works. Smiley will be in care 16 months at the next court date.

Our Daughter

The funeral director is putting our names on Princess' death certificate as parents. The preist is putting our names on Princess' baptismal certificate as parents. They both told us they were doing this(we didn't ask). It's nice to know that some people recognize us as Princess' parents, even though we didn't give birth to her. The funeral director said we were more of her family than her bio family. I hope this doesn't cause trouble, but we're not doing it, he is, the funeral home the STATE HIRED!!

Do you know what that means? In the eyes of the Catholic church, and in the records of the Catholic church, we are Princess' mommy and daddy. If we were Mommy and Daddy to Princess in God's eyes, I could care less who the state thinks are her parents.

Jumping Back In

Well, was back to work today. It really wouldn't have been that bad if I weren't still fighting this awful cold. This damn thing has been lingering for a week. I had to bring Smiley in for his shots, so no doctor appointment for me today. Maybe tomorrow.

I am so sick of coughing. I had to a phone conversation with my mom the other night while having a bad coughing attack. A few minutes later Robin called asking how I was and I responded, "I had to hurry and get off the phone with my mom because I had a bad coughing attack, then started throwing up and now my nose is bleeding."

Smiley has lost some weight and hasn't been tolerating milk, pediasure, soy milk, nothing! Now pediatrician suggested starting toddler formula. We'll see how that works. If any of you saw pictures of Smiley, you'll remember how he was such a fat baby! Now he's growing tall and skinny. We'll see if we can fatten him back up again.

Oh yeah, throughout all the evil and hateful things towards us and the daycare owner, the daycare owner told me she received a dozen roses last Tuesday afternoon just after returning from the hospital with the following note on the card:

"Well done, my good and faithful Servant, Love God."

Coincidence? Don't think so. We have no idea who sent them.

Princess' Palace

I am moving my journaling about Princess here:
Princess' Palace

I will need to do much, much more journaling and greiving over the loss of my precious little Princess, so I decided to give her her own place. I hope some of you join me, but I understand if you cannot handle anymore sadness. I may password protect it later and post pictures there sometimes. What do you think?

Tomorrow I will attempt to drag my butt back to work. No, I'm not ready yet, but I never will be, so I have to just jump in and hope I don't drown.

I have to bring Smiley to the doctor tomorrow for shots and physical, so I will only have to survive for half a day.

Wish me luck. Thank you so much for all the support and prayers.

Evil People

There are some very evil people in this world. In this terrible time of grief for us, we are currently still having to answer for why we would take in such a medically needy child.

Why the hell does it matter to you?? Are you staying up all night caring for you? Did your internal clock wake up automatically every 3 hours to wake up and tube feed this baby so did wouldn't dehydrate? Did you have to sit there for an hour or longer sometimes waiting for her to stop coughing or crying long enough for the formula to drain down her feeding tube into her stomach?

I didn't think so, so why is everyone bugging me about it? Why are they harrassing the kind people at our daycare center for taking in my little angel? Do they not brought my daughter back long enough to be baptized and she nows rests in heaven?

Our daycare director received so many evil complaints and requests for money back on the day they closed to attend our little girl's funeral. Do they not realized how BLESSED they are that they still have their children with them?

To help them out, we now have to write a letter to the newspaper thanking them and saying how great of a job they did taking care of my Princess. I would do anything to repay them for their generousity, but I just did not have the energy to write again defending ourselves. Thank God Robin came through for me again and wrote it. Now I just have a couple things to add and it can be published. I was posting last night requesting help from everyone to write it, but then Robin called and said she would do it, so I deleted the post.

Please pray for these people. The last thing we need to deal with now is people bashing us for loving and caring for our little angel.

What Goes Around Comes Around

I don't remember how much I posted about our fight to have a respectful funeral and burial for our daughter, but there was a particular heartless supervisor who fought us every step of the way. I'll be evil, and call her Witch for this post.

I don't have the energy to go into details of all the bitchy and heartless things she said and did at this terrible time, but if you email Robin, she won't hold her tongue.

Basically she wanted us to step aside and let the state give her a crappy burial consisting of putting her in a box, letting the immediate family briefly see her, burying her and letting go of balloons. No funeral service, no embalming, no viewing, nothing. She told us these things can get expensive and we need to back away and don't act emotionally.

A more tactful approach could have been as simple as this: "Ok, L & L, the state can pay X dollars maximum toward the funeral. Don't feel like you have to pay the rest, but if you would like services beyond the state allowance, you and the bio family work out paying for the difference."

How hard would that have been to say? The more I got to know Witch, the more I believe she didn't want the service because she didn't want to have to spend all day attending the service! I didn't need her there! Drop off the check and leave if that's your attitude.

If all that weren't enough. Robin informed me of a nice little comment she made while everyone was gathered at the gravesite. L took a shovel and helped bury our daughter! I couldn't even imagine doing that, but it helped him have closure.

Witch's remark, "Are we just gonna stand out here all day!" She then got in her car and waited.

The news today, Witch has been forced to resign! She was retiring anyway, but they decided to speed up the process.

With that attitude she doesn't need to work there.

Packed Up

As difficult as it was, it had to be done so I sucked it up and did it today: packed up Princess' things into two boxes. One for the special things, easily accessible for me to pull out and cherish whenever I feel the need to. The other for her clothes. I separated them into bags by sizes and packed them away for whatever God may have in store for us in the future.

The most difficult things for me to throw away was her medicine and feeding supplies. These are what kept her alive and I felt like I would be killing her by not having these things available. I guess I'm still in denial,hoping packing would force me to move on.

In all the sadness, there is hope. I know God has another plan for us and I have a feeling there will be another baby girl in our future, when the time is right. She will never replace Princess, but she will bring a different kind of joy.

Princess' clothes I believe are angels clothes.

I want to unpack them and put the clothes back away, but this will not bring her back. I want her back with me. I know it's selfish because she's in a better place, but I need her back and she's gone forever.

I look through my pictures and realize how few I have of her. I may have to subject Smiley to a photoshoot tomorrow with crazy mommy making stupid faces trying to get smiles.

As the people leave and go on about their lives, the hurt grows. My world has yet to start turning again. I am trying so desperately to snap out of it for Smiley's sake. I should be grateful he's still here, but I'm angry because I want my little girl too.

For those of you going through loss, how did you find the strength to deal with your children left behind with you. I know it sounds terrible, but I find it's taking every once of energy I have caring for Smiley. The fact that he's been extra grouchy has not helped. I long for a smile, or laugh from him to pull me through. I got the first few giggles from him today. I know he has to sense my grieving and I need to be careful.

I've been giving him extra love and trying to snap out of it. It's so hard. The hurt is so bad. Talking to Robin has been a lifesaver. A good phone conversation with a friend really takes your mind off your pain. Even if I don't talk about the pain talking helps. Her little boy is awesome too. Her 4-year old has actually let her have a phone conversation with me for at least an hour! I'm very impressed! I'm more surprised Smiley let me talk that long.

I haven't been able to talk much about how I hurt except to hubby.

People told me the hardest part was after the funeral when everyone left. They were right. We are left behind with a huge heartache.

When does it get easier?

Last Moments

I hope I can soon begin to write more happy posts. If ya'll need to stay away until I get through my sadness, I understand. Times are not accurate. These were just my rambling toughts on this terrible day.

Here is what happened on that tragic Tuesday, Feb. 13, 2007:

6:00 am- alarm goes off. Yes Princess is STILL crying. Been crying off and on for six hours. Poor darling.

8:00am - call pediatrician to make appointment for Princess because she sounded congested and cried all night. Thought doctor would tell me it was collic and I was just screwed. Made appointment anyway.

12:30pm - got call from L's co-worker saying they rushed Princess to the hospital.

12:35pm - call L en route to the hospital, asked what happened, was told Princess stopped breathing, day care teacher was doing cpr and had called ambulance.

12:35-12:40pm-rush to hospital crying and cussing every slowpoke in front of me.

12:40-arrive at hospital, lots of emergency vehicles everywhere. Run to ER to meet L who is still waiting in lobby. ER doors are opened and we try to run in but were busted and had to stay put.

12:45pm - brought to room, told to wait on doctor to come talk to us, not good, expecting horrible news.

12:50pm - doctor brings us to see her. She has no pulse and is not breathing. They don't think she will make it.

1:15-1:30?? - got pulse, stablized her, beginning to feel relieved. Her cardiologist and air med is called to airlift her to a decent hospital.

2:00-3:00 - tons of people asking us tons of questions for hospital, ambulance paperwork.

Princess's baptism- I knew I'd cry when I finally was able to baptize my child, but I thought they would be happy tears. It's hard to describe the feeling of happiness for her baptism and fear of losing her soon.

3:30pm - helicopter arrives to take her to hospital. I cannot fly with her. Police escort brings me to New Orleans while L and mom bring my car home and pack me a bag(I figured I'd be in the hospital with her for a while).

4:30 - police officer gives me cell phone with air med calling. They asked my SS# and info, then told me they lost pulse twice and it wasn't looking good. Why the H@ll you asking me questions while my daughter is dying???

4:30-5:00 - Try not to have a heart attack waiting patiently to arrive at the hospital,knowing in the back of my head that my little girl had probably died.

5:05 - long elevator ride up six floors, someone stops it at the 2nd floor. Hurry up people! I need to get to my baby.

5:10 - arrive in PICU, met by doctor saying the dreaded words, "I'm sorry, she died."
Escorted to Princesss' room. Nurse asked if I'd like to hold her. I shook my head and they put her in my arms.

5:10-6:00 - broke down with my little girl in my arms. Zoned out and pretended she was just sleeping. She can't really be gone? just sleeping? Don't go baby girl! Break down again, over and over and over. Talking to doctors, crying, talking to doctors, crying, listening to doctors discuss what happened to her, freaking out.

6:00 - L and mom arrive and learn the news. I ask L if he wants to hold her, but he just breaks down too.

We stayed with our little girl until around 8:30pm and decided it was time for them to take her body. That is when it hit me again. The nurse was so gentle, just came and picked her up and put her on her shoulder like a live baby.

I can't describe what it was like holding my little girl when I arrived. It was like she was sleeping peacefully. When I moved her, I could have sworn I heard her make baby noises. If I was quite enough, I could almost hear her breathing. I knew she was in heaven, but holding her still gave me such peace. I didn't want to put her down, until my body when numb, and I became weak and nauseated from grief and hunger. I just kept hugging her, kissing her and saying a million "goodbye darling" and "I love you's"

9:00 pm - social worker's supervisor arrives and informs me that they called the funeral home local to the bio family to pick up the body! What?? You're taking her body?? I am then informed I will basically have no input in the funeral and she will be given a crappy burial.

Of course, we didn't let that happened. That was our daughter! Maybe not legally, but in our hearts.

I will write about how beautiful the funeral was that we fought so hard to give her. She looked like an angel and God's spirit was so abundant there!

Little Angels

First, I must tell you about my awesome new friend today I have finally met in person,Robin. She and her incredially adorable little boy travelled to literally "the middle of nowhere" to attend Princess's funeral all to support me, just a fellow internet blogger! I cannot describe how wonderful she was. We just met, but I forsee our families spending lots of time together very soon. Words cannot describe how touched I am by this gesture. If that weren't enough, we're having a memorial tomorrow in our home town she may be attending. I lost a daughter, but gained a wonderful friend.

The funeral was very nice. Princess was still as beautiful and looked as if she was only peacefully sleeping. I spoke with some of her family members who were very grateful we cared for her and had actually cut themselves off from the family. Hearing the bio family say they appreciate you doesn't happen much and it really made us feel good. Her mom thanked us again and I reminded her again how loved Princess was and how much of a blessing she was to us. I even asked the preist to go talk to her because I knew she was hurting, and I just didn't have the words. I pray the death of Princess will be her salvation.

Anyway, what I meant to share, the poem on her prayer card. I don't know who wrote it so I can't give them credit but I thought I'd share. I know many of you have experienced pregnancy loss, stillborn births and many other tragedies, so this is for everyone.


Little Angels

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above, we mortals sometimes question the wisdom of his love.

For no heartache compares with the death of a small child who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold, so He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them, and so He only takes but a few, to make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try the saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."

So when a child departs, we who are left behind, must realize God loves children, Angels are hard to find.

Funeral Arrangements

First of all I want to thank everyone for their support and everyone who directed people to visit and pray for us. The support has deeply touched me. It helps the tears flow, and the healing process.

As part of our closure, we felt we needed to visit Princess' mom in jail and tell her how much her little girl was loved and cared for. She breaks down in tears saying how thankful she was that we were there for her baby and how sorry she was that she wasn't. I really feel bad for her. She doesn't blame us, but she is living with the fact that her choices killed her little girl. She told us she didn't mind us helping with the funeral arrangements and we had just as much right as her family did. This pissed off the supervisor, because she was trying to get us to back away from planning the funeral saying we were only thinking with our heart and not our heads. I felt a sense of peace after leaving and I'm glad we made the visit. I told her we baptized her baby and she was very grateful.

Anyway, the funeral will be on Friday. Viewing will be from 8-12 with service starting at noon. After making the arrangements, I finally got some of my apetite back and had my first meal since she passed away.

I am surviving now, but I know I will be a mess again Friday. I can't even call anyone to tell them the news. I can write about it, but I just can't say my little girl died.

Funeral Arrangements

First of all I want to thank everyone for their support and everyone who directed people to visit and pray for us. The support has deeply touched me. It helps the tears flow, and the healing process.

As part of our closure, we felt we needed to visit Princess' mom in jail and tell her how much her little girl was loved and cared for. She breaks down in tears saying how thankful she was that we were there for her baby and how sorry she was that she wasn't. I really feel bad for her. She doesn't blame us, but she is living with the fact that her choices killed her little girl. She told us she didn't mind us helping with the funeral arrangements and we had just as much right as her family did. This pissed off the supervisor, because she was trying to get us to back away from planning the funeral saying we were only thinking with our heart and not our heads. I felt a sense of peace after leaving and I'm glad we made the visit. I told her we baptized her baby and she was very grateful.

Anyway, the funeral will be on Friday. Viewing will be from 8-12 with service starting at noon. After making the arrangements, I finally got some of my apetite back and had my first meal since she passed away.

I am surviving now, but I know I will be a mess again Friday. I can't even call anyone to tell them the news. I can write about it, but I just can't say my little girl died.

They Took Her Body

When a foster child passes, the bio family gets to take care of the funeral arrangements. If they cannot, the foster family may step in and the state last if noone else takes responsibility.

The funeral and plot will be over 2 hours from my home to accommodate her biological family who have not made ANY effort whatsoever to see her, or even ask about her. The state said they wouldn't do public viewing because it was too expensive and wasn't buying her a casket, but going to wrap her in a cloth and bury her! That's just cruel. We offered to pay for viewing and the casket and they are letting us buy her a casket at least. My baby girl will be buried so far away. I think we can bring our priest, but the funeral must take place in the family's home town.

"mom" and "dad" will get a pass out of jail for the funeral. I don't know when it will take place,but will be a while as they arrange both parents to get out of jail.

We did call the priest and he did an emergency baptism on Princess. Baptism is supposed to be a happy time, but was crying the whole time. I figured "screw the state." I would have to take it up with the man upstairs if I didn't allow him to baptise her because of stupid rules.

We have her baptismal robe and will be listed as parents on the certificate. They hospital also did a memory book with footprints and handprints and a lock of hair. I asked them to do one for mom also.

I am torn now about her bio mom between being angry at her for doing this to her baby and feeling bad for her loss.

Right now I am picking out an outfit and washing it for her to be buried. That's when it really hit me. The first time it really hit me is when we asked them to remove her body and take it downstairs. While holding her, I just wanted to imagine she was sleeping and would wake soon.

Well, that's all the energy I have for now. Thanks for all the prayers and support. I pray none of you EVER have to go through this.

With Jesus

Our little Princess went home to her father in heaven yesterday afternoon. She rests in Jesus' lap now, no more struggling to breathe. Her little heart gave out.



Our Little Princess
10/18/06-2/13/07

The pain is UNBEARABLE. Infertility is NOTHING compared to this.

Still numb, can't eat, can't sleep, can barely drink and I ran out of tears to cry.

Withdrawing

For those of you going through foster parents, you're probably wondering if baby's withdrawal symptons or as bad as they say.

It's not as bad as they say.

It's worse

MUCH MUCH WORSE

SIX HOURS OF STRAIGHT CRYING FROM MIDNIGHT TO 6 AM!!


Princess kicked both L and I out the room onto the couch and Smiley's extra bed and we still needed earplugs.

Holding her did not work, only made her scream much much more.

I figure she's either withdrawing, teething or has serious colic. Definately calling the doctor today. She has got to get something to calm her down with her heart condition. She sounds a little congested too, but I don't think that would explain 6 hours of crying.

Please send prayers for her and another family situation we're having I'm not ready to discuss yet. Our marriage is good, so it's not that.

Do You Think This Will Work?

I've been brainstorming Princess' medical records situation and I have a crazy idea. It's a longshot and I could get in trouble(so give me opinions please).

What if I called bio mom in prison and asked if she could sign a release for me to have access to Princess's medical records so I can get her the medical care she needs? If she really cares about her daughter, and is willing to help me so I can care for her, I wonder if I could get her records that way.

I see it as a win-win situation. She can tell the court how cooperative she was in helping her daughter get medical care while I can have copies of her records to give to various doctors she has to see with less red tape?

I'm not gonna do this, but I'm actually considering dropping the idea by our home development worker if she doesn't have any better advice. She will be honest with me. I guess I'll call her Monday and see what happens.

Oh yeah, I just looked at the card from Dr. A's partner, with his name on the back. I think he goes to Baton Rouge! Robin, I may take you up on that offer to help! Gonna call back Monday and see!

I Need a Pair of Scissors!

Anyone have a good sturdy pair of scissors I can borrow to cut this thick red tape?


Ok, here goes:

First I call Princess' original cardiologist(I'll call him Dr. A). I got an appointment, but not until late March. I put in a call to his nurse to see if by some miracle he remembers her case and can advise me what to do about her medications. One problem though, that requires him having her medical records which were at the other hospital.

Second, I call Princess' hospital to send the records to Dr. A. They needed me to mail the release form. I told her I didn't have that much time. She said to have the doctor request records when you see him. NO STUPID!! I NEED HIM TO REVIEW THE RECORDS BEFORE SEEING HER!! Anyway, got nowhere with that, so back to the phone again.

Third, call Princess' worker, leave message, call back and talk to another worker. I cannot sign forms releasing records to Dr. A but they will call and get it done(when? who knows?) It's not like I dared to ask for a copy for myself(although I should have this info), I just asked the records be sent so I can care for my little girl.

She then questioned if they said she could be in daycare. What the hell? The babies are kept in a separate room away from other kids and the daycare knows how to tube feed her. Her everyday care is not much different from a "normal" child. As much as I'd love to quit and stay home, I'd love to keep the income requirements to adopt two children, and they are not yet mine or TPR'd yet!

Hopefully she won't make an issue out of it. The only other alternatives is to pay me a high enough stipend to stay home, find me a nurse to come to my house 10 hrs a day so I can go to my 8-5 job, or move her to a medical home that has 10 other needy kids and she'll really never get the medical care she needs! Option 1 & 2 would be impossible and option 3 would be tragic for her.

Anyway, my poor little Princess' health is in jeopardy because I cannot get her medical records! I'm gonna go with my good mommy common sense and follow hospital discharge instructions until I can see new cardiologist. The appointment is over a month away so hopefully I won't get charged with neglect.

My hands are so tied that I've been frustrated to tears all day.

I did get one thing accomplished. She gets her feeding tube changed to a mic-key button on March 27!

Oh yeah, that jerk cardiologist yesterday, L said the adoption comment was the first thing out of his mouth when he walked into her room! Like I could just return my "daughter" and exchange her for a healthier model!

Heart Attack

We decided to schedule whatever available cardiologist they had today for Princess while we were in town seeing her surgeon.

Big mistake!

Despite the fact that she spent 3 MONTHS in th NICU at this hospital, the doctor did not have her records and ran his own tests. He basically told us she'd live 15-30 years and then need a heart transplant! He also said we should think hard before adopting her!

What kind of shit is that???

3 other cardiologists, the ones following her case said she had an AV canal which was temporarily fixed with a PA band and will be fixed in about 6 months when they operate on the inside of her heart. This condition is common in Down's Syndrome kids although Princess does not have Down's Syndrome.

I frantically searched for the cardiologist I spoke to(the one that adopted from Guatemala). He actually works at a different hospital, just like the other cardiologists I spoke too. I will be calling to make her another appointment so he can hopefully confirm what he told me in the first place, that she will be fine.

Also, this doctor changed all her meds and I am not changing until I speak to another cardiologist.

I can't get anymore info from the hospital now that she is released. I also can't get copies of the records, so it's probably gonna take an act of congress to get her records sent to another hospital to the cardiologist that saw her while she was in the NICU!

Please pray I find reassurance quickly from her good cardiologist, or at least talk to his nurse.

Good or bad, I just want to know the truth.

I should trust the cardiologist that followed her in the NICU right?

I'm so upset right now.

Haunted House

Apparantly yesterday I forgot to trust God and was worrying too much. My apologies to Robin for attempting to talk her out of taking older kids. They need families too. I think the post resulted in fear that they are begging us to take a teenage girl that will be going home in a couple months and L has met her and is considering taking her.

I'll get back to that later, but now the haunted house story:

Smiley had a visit yesterday and mom and boyfriend were going on an on about how their house was haunted and they needed to get out of there. According to them, the TV turned itself on and off and other crazy things happened! The teenage girl mentioned above asked her, "so what kind of drugs or you on? marijuana? That must be some good stuff?" Mom replied, "no, it's not marijuana, I swear, that house is haunted."

It sounds to me like she admitted to doing drugs and the damn caseworker was not there to supervise it and write in her notes! L got to supervise the visit yesterday. The teenage girl asked L, "what's wrong with that woman?"

Anyway, apparantly a TPR hearing date has finally been set for Smiley! I don't know when, and I don't know if they are allowed to tell us, but I'm gonna beg for at least a time frame. Just let me know, is it in the next 30 days? 60 days? 6 months? a year?

I don't know if we will take the teenager yet and will have to pray about it. They say she's going home, but who knows? They want her with us so she can go back to her regular school. I'm a little worried about it after the exchange student though. She's 15, only 12 years younger than me and would feel like a little sister.

Anyway, please pray the TPR hearing is for real this time, and soon.

Allegations

No, we are not under investigation, thank goodness, but I don't believe I covered this aspect of foster parenting.

There are several great things about adopting from foster care:

You get to parent while you wait to adopt.

It's a lot cheaper than private adoption.

You get to help children already born who need families.

One of the scary things about adopting from foster care is that your children are not "your kids."

You're foster kids, or their families and make false accusations against you leading to an investigation.

Best case scenario, they remove your kids, determine their creditability and return them when they determine it is a lie.

Worst case scenario, they remove all your children, place them in respite care, and launch an investigation on you. People you've worked with for years ignore you and don't return calls and you're left alone, terried! The worst part...you don't get to visit your kids because they're not "your kids" and you have no right to them.

I chose to write about this today, because it's always been my biggest fear, so scary that I'm afraid to write about it.

Fear of allegations have severely altered my parenting and using my mommy common sense. With two medically needy babies, I ask their doctor's permission for almost everything normal mommies can figure out on their own. I made Smiley's first plastic surgeon put in writing it was ok for me to begin to try bottle feeding. I can use my "common sense" and if it is right, everything is ok, but if it is wrong, I'm in trouble for going against doctor's orders. Yes, it is a bit embarrassing asking doctor's permission for things I know is ok, but I have to protect myself.

I just can't wait until there both my kids and I can parent them without having to answer to anyone.

Ok, seriously, I no I am worrying way too much over something that may never happen, but now you have it, my biggest fear! Please don't change your mind about becoming foster/adopt parents. I wrote this only for you to keep in the back of your head and take steps to prevent false accusations:

1. Keep a notebook for each child and document everything.
2. If you have a teenage girl, do not leave her alone with hubby.
3. As soon as you see a bump, bruise, rash, etc., immediately document it in that handy little notebook in #1. Explain what happened and how you are fixing it. If you don't know, bring them in to the doctor.

For those of you foster parents, have you ever faced allegations? What happened? Does fear of allegations alter your parenting style? What steps do you take to prevent allegations?

After receiving your comments, I will compile a list of steps you can take to help protect yourself in the event of an investigation.

Leakage...

How do I get this darn feeding tube stop leaking???

For the second day in a row, Princess was soaked in stomach contents dropping her off at day care. I know she did not spit up because nothing was on the blanket I had over her.

If she gets mad and cries while feeding, the formula will back out of her tummy up back into the syringe. Once the backup busted the whole thing and popped the syringe loose spilling formula and medicine everywhere!

Yes, the both caps on the tube are closed.

See why I asked for a button? Couldn't they have just listened? One month 2 weeks until she can get a button.

Case Closed

Well they closed and sealed the case for Smiley's mom marking it incomplete. This supposedly means she will not be allowed any more services or chances to complete the case plan. I'm not sure if this will speed the TPR process up, but I'm praying it does.

The file should be taken to the judge and visits "may" stop, but we don't know yet. Please pray for a quick hearing date. Poor Smiley has been in care 15 months already!

I have no news on Princess' case, but I wish they get on with the dna testing of the "named father" and search for the father if he turns out not to be the father. If the "named father" is the biological father, he will likely not be able to complete his case plan due to spending some quality time behind bars. Ok, I know that sounded harsh, but is it really safe for her to return home to him?

Other than that, it feels like I'm feeding one baby or another round the clock! I'm loving it though. Still working on some feeding issues with both, but we are progressing slowly and that's as much as I can hope for.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Apparantly we are stuck with Princess' g-tube surgeon forever. We tried to get another surgeon to change her tube to a button, but they wouldn't follow another surgeon's work. I asked if it broke, could she fix it then? They said yes. The only way to get her a new surgeon is if the tube breaks and I take her to the emergency room in the area. I may get reported for possibly making the doctor's office think I will purposely break her tube to get a new one. I was talking about this out of desperation. Of course I'd never do it!

Anyway, I called the surgeon's office who place her g-tube and he said it cannot be changed to a button for 2 months! I'm irritated that they didn't listen to us and now she's stuck with it for 2 months. I know it's not that terrible, but I'm still irritated having no choice in choosing medical care for my foster daughter. I don't want to hear about how they couldn't put a button in babies that young, because it was done for Smiley and Baby D. Smiley was MUCH smaller than Princess when his g-tube was placed.

She did sleep through the night last night and I managed to give her 3 overnight feedings without waking her, so I guess the feeding tube is good for some things. At least she's home, and it's worth the sacrifice.

A good thing happened. I emailed Smiley's old attorney(the good one) and she will definately be at the next court hearing representing him!

Smiley has been sick this week. Nothing really wrong but another sinus infection. He's fine in the mornings, but in the afternoons, his fever spikes high, but goes down with ibuprophen. Smiley is also spending the night with Nanna, so I'm gonna miss him tonight, but he'll get lots of loving.

No news on TPR for either of them, but they don't think Smiley's will happen at the next hearing in March, despite the fact he will have been in care 16 mos!

I can't even get in touch with Princess's worker, but next court hearing for dad is in March. I hope they get this "who's the daddy" search on the roll and over with. If the named dad, is her dad, he's got quite a bit of time to serve in prison.

I'm just gonna enjoy them and be their mommy until the judges tell me otherwise.

A Young Child's Point Of View on Foster Care & Adoption

Get out your tissues. This is kinda long, but good. We watched a video with these words flashing on the screen with kids voices reading them in the background. This was posted yesterday at fosterparents.com and I thought I'd copy it and share it with you.

A Young Child's Point of View On Foster Care & Adoption

I want to talk to you about what it feels like getting ready to be adopted, when you are a little kid who has already had about a hundred mothers. When you can barely remember what your first mother smelled like.

When everyone spoke a different language in the place where you were born than in the place you are now.

When some of the people who took care of you were called "foster parents" and you didn't know what that meant except something about they weren't going to stick around.

When, in the process of being moved all over the place, you lost some of your brothers and your sisters and a particular pair of shoes that felt just right and your absolutely most favorite cuddly, and a certain place on the inside of your last crib where you used to scratch with your fingernail to help yourself go to sleep.

Kids like me, see, don't have families of our own. Because there's something wrong about us. (I guess) Or because there aren't enough to go around. Or something. And I probably won't get one, either. Or if I do, will it be too late for me to believe that they love me, and are going to stay with me?

So I want to talk to you, Big People, about these things, even though I am not sure you are real interested. Are you the same Big People who keep doing these things to me in the first place? (Please don't get offended if I talk to all of you at once: caseworkers, foster parents, judges, adoptive parents. I just need to say how it all feels to me, and sometimes I can't get the cast of characters straight.)

Some people say that my first parents shook me until my eyeballs got loosened up, or they left me alone, or they gave me away, or they just ran away. I guess you think, because of that, I am supposed to not miss them? (Because if I did it would sure make me lots more cooperative with all the plans you keep making for me.) Should I just say, "They did the best they could" so I am not so ticked off and lonely and worried all the time about what the Big People are going to do next? The truth is, I can't do any of these things: I can't forget. (Even when my brain does, my body won't.) I can't stop myself from yearning (even though later I will get quite good at playing games about this).

I'm not saying I was some cherished treasure or anything in my family. But what were you thinking when you sent big men in uniforms to grab me out of my screaming father's arms at eleven o'clock at night, scaring me to death? Or when you sent me to a foster home without telling them about the special ways I needed to be handled because I had never stayed anywhere long enough to get attached to anybody?

Or when you then took me from those people who were so disappointed in me after a few weeks that they said I would have to be "disrupted" (whatever that means). So you sent me to a family with an older foster child who was mean to little kids because they were weak and small. And so he punched me a lot in secret. And pulled real hard on my penis in the middle of the night. And when that family got rid of me, and the next, and the next, did you think I was going to take it all lying down? Did you think I was supposed to just be sweet and adorable and ready to connect to yet another family who were going to throw me away? (Could you have done that?)

After a while, I had just lost too many people that I might have cared about. I had been with too many "parents" who really weren't, because they couldn't hold me tightly in their hearts at all. None of you got how I was being changed by all these losses, (in my heart and in my behavior). After a while, I began to get some pretty bad ideas about how things work. And mostly those ideas said that I was, by that time, in deep doo-doo. I wasn't going to let anybody like me. Not even me.

And so, now, I won't let you imagine even for a minute that I like you. That I need you, desperately. That I might ever grow to trust you. I am not, after all, a complete moron.

Are you ready to have me not believe you? Are you ready for me to fight you for control? Are you ready to hold me, and then hold me some more (when all the time I act like I don't want you to at all?) Are you ready to really stay with me, through a battle that might last almost my whole growing up? Are you willing to feel as powerless as I do?

What will you think when I say I don't care a bit whether you go on vacation and leave me with Aunt Harriet, who I hardly know at all? Then, when you come back, are you ready to deal with me taking a dump in front of your bedroom door every single day for three whole weeks?

You see, it is like this, Big People: I'm not stupid. I was not blind. I do pay attention, because it matters lots to me. And so when my first parents knocked me around or acted like I was invisible, or gave me to someone else to raise, or stood there screaming while you took me away from them, I noticed.

And when no one came to take their place, I noticed that too. And when the orphanage didn't last, and the first half-dozen foster families didn't last, something started happening to me. A little bit of my spirit started to die.

For some reason, then, I started pulling out my eyebrows. (I'm not sure what that has to do with my spirit dying.) I agree that it doesn't make much sense for me to join in with all the other people that have hurt me, by hurting myself. But I do it anyway. So I bite on my hand, or dig at my face, or make a real bad sore on the top of my head from scratching myself. I pull out clumps of my hair, and so the kids at preschool laugh, and Big People have an odd look on their faces when they see me.

Sometimes I run into the arms of strangers, like I have known them forever, and like I don't actually care anymore who I am safe with or not. (Am I safe with anybody? Does it matter any more?)

Did I mention how much I am growing to hate smallness, and weakness and defenselessness? It's getting so the only thing I know how to do is to just be as tough as I can, and to try to rub out smallness and weakness wherever I see them: In the kittens that get hung by the clothesline in the backyard and squished with a tennis racquet. In the babies in my recent foster homes who turned up scratched. In my own Self, which I attack, particularly when I am feeling small or scared, and I need to beat myself into more toughness.

And as little parts of my spirit keep dying, will it surprise you that I'm not exactly going to be overjoyed when you finally say you have permanent parents for me? Do you honestly think I am going to say, "Oh, I get it. You were just kidding all those other times, but this time you really mean it"? And, so, do you want to hear something funny? Just about the time I am ready to get what everybody thought I needed (parents who are actually never going to leave me) I'm going to get just a tad weird. I'm going to start banging my head more than I did before. I might start acting like a baby again and, even if I had gotten a little bit comfortable with my latest "parents" I'm going to go back to stiffening my body, and screaming at night, and doing everything I can to tell you that I don't want you to love me.

I can't stand all this talk about "permanence" and "adoption". I will make you sorry you ever thought about trying to get close to me. I will make you feel almost as helpless and small as I have usually felt. So are you wondering what I need?

Are you wondering what I would do about all of this if I had the power? First of all, it would help a lot if you would start with one simple, clear commandment to yourself: Never forget that I am watching. Never forget that every single thing you do matters immensely to me (even when I work like crazy to make you think that it does not). And I will remember. You may be able to get away with treating me as if I am invisible for a while (perhaps long enough to "disrupt" me or move yourself to a different casework job). I was there, watching, I was having deep feelings about what was happening to me and I needed someone to act as if it mattered, hugely.

Second, don't imagine that I will ever stop yearning for my birthfamily (even though, as in other things, I will pretend otherwise). Help me find some way to keep a connection with them, even if I never see them again. Bring out pictures, or a Life Book and hold me while I rage or sob or stare, or all of these at once. And understand that none of this is a reflection on you. Don't be surprised when I come back from a visit with them peeing my pants or throwing tantrums in the bath that night. I told you: things matter to me. So I am going to have feelings about things that matter to me.

Third, it would help a lot if you would make the decisions that you need to make and stick with them. Some days I think my mind is going to explode because I know something is going on in my life but I can't tell what it is; later I'll learn that there was a court hearing that day and everybody in my life was wrought up and then it was "continued" (whatever that means - except mostly that nothing is getting decided, and I still don't have a family). I don't get to make the decisions. You do. So have the courage to make them. So that I can get a life.

Fourth, it would mean a lot to me if you would take good care of my foster family. They have their hands full. Sometimes they don't know what to do with me. So make sure someone is there to answer their questions, to encourage them, to help them understand me better. You won't like what will happen if I keep getting disrupted, and the only way I can think of to prevent that is to take extra good care of the people that are taking care of me. So have I told you anything that you wanted to know? Have I helped you to understand how we feel - all of us kids who fell into the world of foster care and adoption?

I know it is a burden for you to think so carefully about me, and I know you might get a little nervous to realize that I am watching, and affected by all that you do. But you won't be sorry if you take me seriously. Someday, see, I will be Big People.

© Michael Trout Director, The Infant-Parent Institute Reprinted by permission Mr. Trout is a trainer and course leader in infant mental health, a writer and video producer. Based on his more than 25 years' experience, he wrote and produced the video from which this text is reprinted. The video is available from The Infant-Parent Institute.