Last Moments

I hope I can soon begin to write more happy posts. If ya'll need to stay away until I get through my sadness, I understand. Times are not accurate. These were just my rambling toughts on this terrible day.

Here is what happened on that tragic Tuesday, Feb. 13, 2007:

6:00 am- alarm goes off. Yes Princess is STILL crying. Been crying off and on for six hours. Poor darling.

8:00am - call pediatrician to make appointment for Princess because she sounded congested and cried all night. Thought doctor would tell me it was collic and I was just screwed. Made appointment anyway.

12:30pm - got call from L's co-worker saying they rushed Princess to the hospital.

12:35pm - call L en route to the hospital, asked what happened, was told Princess stopped breathing, day care teacher was doing cpr and had called ambulance.

12:35-12:40pm-rush to hospital crying and cussing every slowpoke in front of me.

12:40-arrive at hospital, lots of emergency vehicles everywhere. Run to ER to meet L who is still waiting in lobby. ER doors are opened and we try to run in but were busted and had to stay put.

12:45pm - brought to room, told to wait on doctor to come talk to us, not good, expecting horrible news.

12:50pm - doctor brings us to see her. She has no pulse and is not breathing. They don't think she will make it.

1:15-1:30?? - got pulse, stablized her, beginning to feel relieved. Her cardiologist and air med is called to airlift her to a decent hospital.

2:00-3:00 - tons of people asking us tons of questions for hospital, ambulance paperwork.

Princess's baptism- I knew I'd cry when I finally was able to baptize my child, but I thought they would be happy tears. It's hard to describe the feeling of happiness for her baptism and fear of losing her soon.

3:30pm - helicopter arrives to take her to hospital. I cannot fly with her. Police escort brings me to New Orleans while L and mom bring my car home and pack me a bag(I figured I'd be in the hospital with her for a while).

4:30 - police officer gives me cell phone with air med calling. They asked my SS# and info, then told me they lost pulse twice and it wasn't looking good. Why the H@ll you asking me questions while my daughter is dying???

4:30-5:00 - Try not to have a heart attack waiting patiently to arrive at the hospital,knowing in the back of my head that my little girl had probably died.

5:05 - long elevator ride up six floors, someone stops it at the 2nd floor. Hurry up people! I need to get to my baby.

5:10 - arrive in PICU, met by doctor saying the dreaded words, "I'm sorry, she died."
Escorted to Princesss' room. Nurse asked if I'd like to hold her. I shook my head and they put her in my arms.

5:10-6:00 - broke down with my little girl in my arms. Zoned out and pretended she was just sleeping. She can't really be gone? just sleeping? Don't go baby girl! Break down again, over and over and over. Talking to doctors, crying, talking to doctors, crying, listening to doctors discuss what happened to her, freaking out.

6:00 - L and mom arrive and learn the news. I ask L if he wants to hold her, but he just breaks down too.

We stayed with our little girl until around 8:30pm and decided it was time for them to take her body. That is when it hit me again. The nurse was so gentle, just came and picked her up and put her on her shoulder like a live baby.

I can't describe what it was like holding my little girl when I arrived. It was like she was sleeping peacefully. When I moved her, I could have sworn I heard her make baby noises. If I was quite enough, I could almost hear her breathing. I knew she was in heaven, but holding her still gave me such peace. I didn't want to put her down, until my body when numb, and I became weak and nauseated from grief and hunger. I just kept hugging her, kissing her and saying a million "goodbye darling" and "I love you's"

9:00 pm - social worker's supervisor arrives and informs me that they called the funeral home local to the bio family to pick up the body! What?? You're taking her body?? I am then informed I will basically have no input in the funeral and she will be given a crappy burial.

Of course, we didn't let that happened. That was our daughter! Maybe not legally, but in our hearts.

I will write about how beautiful the funeral was that we fought so hard to give her. She looked like an angel and God's spirit was so abundant there!