Where Do I Go Next?
On the road to attempt to become parents we've endured the following:
1. L losing a kidney and killing his sperm count.
2. L going through surgery attempting to repair things.
3. Several failed months of clomid
4. 3 failed IUI's
5. One really fun HSG showing my tubes were open.
6. A laproscopy for me finding endometriosis.
7. Lupron=putting me into menopause for 3 months, which actually lasted much longer.
8. Foster/adopt classes and homestudy.
9. Smiley coming staffed for immediate TPR, still awaiting hearing date almost a year later.
10. Scooter coming and leaving after a month.
11. Death of our beloved Princess.
Where do we go next? Wait for another baby girl? Take my clomid prescription given to me several months ago still unused? Get back on the ART rollercoaster?
L actually got a call last week for another child. He said it's too soon and didn't even ask about it.
How much more bad news must we endure before we go nuts? Infertility loss followed by a loss of your infant is just wrong! I know babies die, but why did it have to be our baby?
Will I ever get to be a mommy? A mommy with children that are legally mine?
1. L losing a kidney and killing his sperm count.
2. L going through surgery attempting to repair things.
3. Several failed months of clomid
4. 3 failed IUI's
5. One really fun HSG showing my tubes were open.
6. A laproscopy for me finding endometriosis.
7. Lupron=putting me into menopause for 3 months, which actually lasted much longer.
8. Foster/adopt classes and homestudy.
9. Smiley coming staffed for immediate TPR, still awaiting hearing date almost a year later.
10. Scooter coming and leaving after a month.
11. Death of our beloved Princess.
Where do we go next? Wait for another baby girl? Take my clomid prescription given to me several months ago still unused? Get back on the ART rollercoaster?
L actually got a call last week for another child. He said it's too soon and didn't even ask about it.
How much more bad news must we endure before we go nuts? Infertility loss followed by a loss of your infant is just wrong! I know babies die, but why did it have to be our baby?
Will I ever get to be a mommy? A mommy with children that are legally mine?
posted by Lisa @ 8:25 PM
9 Comments:
At 9:08 PM,
FosterAbba said…
Although I do not share your specific religious faith (I am Jewish) I believe that children who come from the foster care system end up in our specific homes for a reason. Every child, whether they stay or not, comes into our lives for a purpose. Perhaps it is to learn a specific lesson, or perhaps it is to teach us something we need to know. Or, perhaps it's just because we can give a particular child something that others cannot.
As sad as it is, I believe Princess would have died whether she was placed with you or not. She came to your home because she would be able to live her precious few days on this earth with someone who truly and unconditionally loved her. She came to you because you would be able to help her leave this world with grace and dignity.
Princess was sent to you because you were the people who could do this for her. Had she been somewhere else, she might have been just another foster baby with health problems. When she died, she likely would have been given the bare-bones state funeral.
As painful as it is, you were chosen for a reason. I know that doesn't ease your pain or make you miss her any less, but you were able to give her something that nobody else could do. It was special, it was unique, and it will be with you always.
Adopting from the foster care system is so very hard because it's unpredictable. You don't know when you will get a call, and it's hard to know if it's the right call. All you can do is have faith that things will work out the way they should.
Every child that enters your home receives very special gifts from you, and you really should view them as a gift, too. Even if they don't stay, you've given them a brief, but lasting taste of love that will stay with them their entire life. Even if they are too young to remember you, they will remember your love, and that's what is important.
I know this is hard. Hang in there.
At 5:17 AM,
Ken & Jordan Lukens said…
I'm thinking of you Dream Mommy, and praying for you and hurting with you. I know you will get through this terrible time because of the strong and capable woman you are. Lots of Love...
At 5:46 AM,
Anonymous said…
sit back and smell the roses in your yard right now. The good thing about adoption is the biological clock never stops ticking and will always be available to you. Enjoy your baby and try to live in the "right now", dont allow your mind to wander off to whats ahead!!!! I think this will be your biological baby year (take the clomid), sit tight and enjoy the blessings in your rose garden and dont forget to smell the aroma!!!
ps
your kids are legally your, screw all the leagal bullshit, your hurt is stronger than a paper that says tag your the momma.
At 5:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
I meatn HEART not hurt, although hurt does seem fitting with all you have been through!
At 6:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
I agreee with fosterabba.
You have given so much, unconditionally and that is worth more than anything in the world.
In the eyes of god, you are Princesses mommy and dadddy and that is all that matters. ~Sarah
At 9:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
I agree completely.
At 12:34 PM,
Amanda said…
Fosterabba is right on here, Lisa. While I'm not so sure I believe in fate, if ever there was a case that made me consider it, it's yours. Without you, Princess could easily have become a footnote in someones casefile. With you, she is now a little person who will live in your hearts forever.
Hang in there. I don't know where or when or how, but you have so much love and determination that I can't help but believe you'll be a mommy someday.
At 6:22 PM,
Runergirl said…
I hear you and am cosidering the same things myself but am still looking forward to the future with foster-adopted children.
At 8:29 PM,
JUST A MOM said…
((HUGS))
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