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You Could Always Adopt. . .

Adopted 3 boys out of foster care, then got pregnant for my beautiful daughter, now currently pregnant again with twins.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Packed Up

As difficult as it was, it had to be done so I sucked it up and did it today: packed up Princess' things into two boxes. One for the special things, easily accessible for me to pull out and cherish whenever I feel the need to. The other for her clothes. I separated them into bags by sizes and packed them away for whatever God may have in store for us in the future.

The most difficult things for me to throw away was her medicine and feeding supplies. These are what kept her alive and I felt like I would be killing her by not having these things available. I guess I'm still in denial,hoping packing would force me to move on.

In all the sadness, there is hope. I know God has another plan for us and I have a feeling there will be another baby girl in our future, when the time is right. She will never replace Princess, but she will bring a different kind of joy.

Princess' clothes I believe are angels clothes.

I want to unpack them and put the clothes back away, but this will not bring her back. I want her back with me. I know it's selfish because she's in a better place, but I need her back and she's gone forever.

I look through my pictures and realize how few I have of her. I may have to subject Smiley to a photoshoot tomorrow with crazy mommy making stupid faces trying to get smiles.

As the people leave and go on about their lives, the hurt grows. My world has yet to start turning again. I am trying so desperately to snap out of it for Smiley's sake. I should be grateful he's still here, but I'm angry because I want my little girl too.

For those of you going through loss, how did you find the strength to deal with your children left behind with you. I know it sounds terrible, but I find it's taking every once of energy I have caring for Smiley. The fact that he's been extra grouchy has not helped. I long for a smile, or laugh from him to pull me through. I got the first few giggles from him today. I know he has to sense my grieving and I need to be careful.

I've been giving him extra love and trying to snap out of it. It's so hard. The hurt is so bad. Talking to Robin has been a lifesaver. A good phone conversation with a friend really takes your mind off your pain. Even if I don't talk about the pain talking helps. Her little boy is awesome too. Her 4-year old has actually let her have a phone conversation with me for at least an hour! I'm very impressed! I'm more surprised Smiley let me talk that long.

I haven't been able to talk much about how I hurt except to hubby.

People told me the hardest part was after the funeral when everyone left. They were right. We are left behind with a huge heartache.

When does it get easier?

14 Comments:

  • At 5:48 AM, Anonymous Lori said…

    My heart is just breaking for you. I wish there was something I could say to lift your spirits just a tiny bit. How hard that must've been to pack up Princess' things. I'm sure you'll cherish them along with her memories.

     
  • At 5:58 AM, Anonymous Jane said…

    Today, I am finishing the border on a crocheted baby blanket, to be donated to a hospital. I am thinking of you and your Princess with every stitch.

     
  • At 6:08 AM, Blogger Amanda said…

    How sweet, Jane. I may have to start a memory blanket for Princess too.

    L., I wish I could do something, anything, to help. I think one of the hardest parts about grief is the world keeps going. People do stupidly mundane things, like grocery shopping. And you just want to scream, "Stop it! Don't you know what's happened to me?"

    You will get through this. You have your faith and a great hubby and Smiley.... But don't push yourself, be gentle and take care of you, at least for a while.

     
  • At 6:31 AM, Blogger Catherine said…

    Oh, I wish I could talk to you in person...so that I could just listen to you, cry with you, and nod my head silently. I don't have another baby at home, which was difficult in a different way. But, we are expecting now, and I know the pain of possible loss, love mingled with inability to fully embrace her, and expectations I place on this child are about killing me.

    The pain you feel will get easier, I can promise you that. The heart is an amazing thing. You will come to the point where you live with the new and different place Princess has in your heart, forever. And, yet, amazingly, you will simply never forget. In these moments when the flower arrangements dwindle, and the nursery is put away, and people leave you alone with your grief, you will come to the realization (if you haven't already) that life will never be the same. You will realize that you have to redefine "perfect". My heart broke when I knew that I would never breathe a sigh of relief again, and think, "what a perfect day", because nothing would ever be perfect again. But, I know now that "perfect" just isn't what you ever thought it was. (I am still waiting to feel what it truly is, but that time will come.) Princess will be with you forever - your perfect daughter. She was/is now what "perfect" is, and life can only go on with that knowledge. The pain will never go away, and you may always cry, but the feelings will morph and change. Grace will get you through this time, and then, I promise peace will come. It doesn't replace grief, but it comes all the same.

    My husband made a chest, and put an "S" on it (for Sophie, our daughter). I now keep her special things in there, so that I can contain her in her own special place in the house, impenetrable to the chaos that will grow around it throughout the years. As difficult as it was to fill it, I filled it with her, and that was lovely.

    Finally, sorry for the novel, but you must grieve. I know people said that to me. When I would cry and tell people how sad I was, they told me, "you have to let yourself grieve". I wanted to grab their face, and scream angrily, "I am grieving, you dullard. This is me grieiving". Then I realized, people don't know what else to say, so they say that. But, even if they don't know it, they're right. The place in your heart for your princess will grow and expand and change, if you let it, as it would if she were here. So, right now is the time to do anything you need to do to feel that. Nothing is "too weird". (I took out clothes that I would have dressed Sophie in each day. Weird? Yes. Sad? Yes. But, all within the realm of normalcy. And, it was what I needed.) Take your time with your grief; it is right now, your way of loving her. You will be her mother forever, and you will love her with smiles one day. Tears are okay for today.

    I prayed for your sweet family last night. And, I will continue. Your broken heart will mend, all but for one raw place that will stay beautifully forever.

     
  • At 6:54 AM, Blogger Heather said…

    I'm so sorry Sweetie.
    I wish I could take away the pain and leave you with the happy memories. I'm here for you. I'm thinking about all of you.

     
  • At 7:11 AM, Blogger TeamWinks said…

    I hope soon sweetie.

     
  • At 7:37 AM, Blogger MJ said…

    Everyone grieves a little differently. The pain will never go away, but it will fade and change with time. Odd things will strike you and you will burst into tears, so just keep clinging to God and your hubby and your little smiley as best as you can. Cry when you need to, talk when you need to, and dont let anyone tellyou you need to move on before you want to move on.

    I have never lost a child, but i lost my mother when i was 11. Its a whole different sceneario and losing a child, I have been told a million times worse.

    Praying for you!s

     
  • At 7:59 AM, Blogger soralis said…

    Just to let you know I am thinking of you.

     
  • At 8:59 AM, Anonymous Amie said…

    I have just discovered your blog while doing research for my dissertation on children in care. I am adopted myself and your entries truly touched me and I am sitting here crying. You sound like an amazing mummy. My thoughts are with you xxxx

     
  • At 9:11 AM, Blogger Julie said…

    Lisa- I am so saddened for you and L. I pray that you remember Princess and cherish her memory but also live in her love and go forward in life. I trust that God will carry you in the days and weeks to come as you will not be able to yourself! In the famous words from the Nemo movie- "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." It will get easier. The pain will lessen and the joy of just having known her will increase. She holds a special place in your heart that will never be filled. I suggest that you get a charm or something to remind you of her and wear it for awhile. My heart hurts for you. Hugs!!!

     
  • At 10:01 AM, Blogger JUST A MOM said…

    Hang in there... You ae in my thoughts daily. (((HUGS)))

     
  • At 11:15 AM, Anonymous cluttergirl said…

    It's true the hardest part is just after every one leaves and it is quiet. And life resumes, but not. Time. It will take time. You mustn't try to force yourself to go faster. If you need to have her clothes out where you can touch them, or smell them, then do so. Slowly it will become something you feel less compelled to do. Let yourself remember her, and cry or whatever you need to do. Life will go on. But in the future. Now you are grieving. You have lost your baby. And I think that it is important to be there with other kids and friends etc, but not to fake it. Say you are sad. That you miss her. Maybe do things together that remember her, like making drawings, or going through her clothes and talking about her. After you do things like that, you will be ready to do something else, like laugh at something smiley does or points out. Do special things. Have a special tea party in her honor. Go to places you had hoped to take her, or had been with her before. Your cup is overflowing of sadness. When there is too much water in the cup, best to use the overflow to water flowers and give to the thirsty birds, and eventually there will be space in the cup to add new good things. Be kind to yourselves. Cherish her while the memories are fresh. Life will go on and sweep you up when you are ready.

     
  • At 11:16 AM, Anonymous cluttergirl said…

    ps. Don't do anything irrevocable just yet, like give her things away.

     
  • At 11:23 AM, Blogger Dream Mommy said…

    Cluttergirl,

    Don't worry. I will not part with any of her things.

     

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