Love At First Sight.(now updated with more details)

Now updated with more details. Sorry for being skimpy earlier.

I waited outside the social services building with our worker, watching every car, waiting to finally meet baby N. I felt like a kid waiting to see my mom's car drive up and pick me up at daycare.

Foster mom, nurse and baby in are brought into the visiting room. I see baby N and pick him up. Love at first sight, just like I had just given birth to him, except it felt kinda weird having a supervised visit. Would have been teary eyed had we been alone.

After giving foster mom a puppy dog face and her telling me to pick him up, I grabbed him, sat down and looked into the eyes of the baby boy who will probably be my future son. Had to bite my tongue and resist the urge to say "Come see mommy." I did slip up and say "go see Daddy."

He is PRECIOUS!! So sweet. So cuddly. He was dressed in an adorable blue froggy outfit. He smelt so fresh, just like a baby. He was so soft, has the double chin thing going on weighing in at nearly 16 pounds! I keep thinking...is this really gonna be MY baby? I would be honored to be his mommy. He is so much cuter in person and the lip doesn't look nearly as bad when you see him.

I eventually decided I had to share and asked L if he wanted to hold him, so I start baby talking like a fool to him while L was holding him and baby N made a nice poopy diaper, which I later got to change while L gladly stepped away and let "mommy" handle that task. He's a healthy little baby, chunky. So many rolls I had a hard time getting him clean. Now who in there right mind would be thrilled to change a poopy diaper? An infertile woman, that's who!

It was just hard visiting my hopefully future son with an audience. I would look for approval whatever I did.

We took pictures, but not nearly enough. His nurse showed me how to work the feeding tube. It's very easy. The nurse asked if I'd like to feed him but foster mom didn't think it was a good idea. I told nurse I'd just watch and learn. I opened the little port in his tummy, hooked up the tube and nurse syringed the formula in. That simple. I tried to burp him, but he was being stubborn. It was cool watching his face go from hungry to full as his tummy was filling up.

The next step is to go to foster mom's house to learn how to work a suction machine if he spits up. I ask foster mom when we can set this up and was kinda shrugged off. Looks like social worker will have to set this up too, so that means more delays!

Foster mom was pretty nice and a little more comfortable seeing how baby N took to us well, but not ready to help get him into our home. I have a feeling the social worker is just gonna have to pull him from her home and bring him to us.

There is really no good reason we couldn't have taken him this weekend. Why couldn't she bring the portable machine and show us how to work it?

I didn't want to let him go. Hopefully, we will get him soon. The waiting sucks!

Another Delay

Don't worry. The visit is still on for tomorrow.

Bad news: It is unlikely he will get to come home with us for the weekend.

Here's the new plan, though it's not set in stone.

1. Visit Baby N tomorrow. Foster mom will bring feeding supplies and teach us. If we are comfortable (and want to assume liability) and her supervisor approves he gets to come home for the weekend, but it's not likely.

2. Schedule a visit at foster mom's house with nurse. Nurse will determine if we understand the care he needs.

3. Social worker comes to our house. We give an official, "yes we want him."

4. Bring baby N to stay with us.

Her supervisors want him with us before his first surgery, which is May 12. I told this is all fine, but I do have a job I need to keep and it's approaching the 5-10 days that I really cannot leave work.

Her reasoning makes sense, but it sucks REALLY BAD. She doesn't wanna give birth mom any reason to throw a wrench in the case. She wants a solid, legal adoption.

Will finish story later. I'm running out of lunch time.

How To Clean Your Toilet

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put the lid of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,

The Dog

Hey, Buddy....Come see! Why are you hiding under the bed? Aww, you're such a pussy!

Hope you enjoyed the Thursday morning humor. I got this in an email from my dad. I couldn't get the pictures to upload but they were really good. One of a wet cat and another of a dog rolled over laughing.

Have a good day all my fellow kitty lovers.

The Sun is Poking Its Head Out Now

Wow, what an eventful day. Two posts!

L said I wrote too much about him, so pardon the deletions I had to make to this post and the last. Gonna try and stick to adoption, infertility, or me from now on.


I got a beautiful boquet of flowers for Admin day. I have my adorable baby boy on my computer wallpaper. By the way, need to email social worker and thank her for the pics. Baby N's feeding tube is doing the trick, he has two chins, lol!

It's still raining off and on. Everyone says we needed the rain, but I don't care to pray for rain. I'd rather enjoy the sunshine.

I meet baby N and hopefully get to bring him home for the weekend the day after tomorrow.

Bad Day Already

Woke up to stormy weather.

Drive to work, can't hardly see anything. Raining REALLY hard.

Get to work, L calls:

Me: Hello

L: It's about time you answered your phone, been trying to call you all morning.

Me: I couldn't hear my phone. The rain was so loud, I could barely hear my radio.

L: Well, my battery was dead. I tried to chase you out the driveway, but you were too worried about the golden arches (I get breakfast at Mickey D's before work)

Me: (now fuming) I was not worried about the golden arches, I was worried about getting to work before the rain got too bad, which I didn't do anyway.

L: Well, gonna miss my appointment...

Me: F*ck, I completely forgot about it this morning. I forgot to set the clock earlier in case something like this happened.

Oh, got pics of baby N cause social worker wanted us to see them so we wouldn't be in shock when we met him. His poor lip looks pretty bad, but I'm admiring his photos. He's gonna be our son one day.

Friday

I need prayers that nothing happens before then.

10:00 am - meet and visit with baby N. Ask foster mom LOTS of questions. If we feel comfortable, WE GET TO TAKE HIM HOME FOR THE WEEKEND!!!

I told L we ARE taking him home, so tell foster mom to have him a bag packed.

I am in debt and gratitude to my co-workers, especially one whose half day off got postponed thanks to me.

I owe them one...Or maybe it's finally my turn from all the previous times I covered for everyone. Regardless, I am EXTREMELY greatful and she could take full advantage of me for the next couple days, because I'd do anything to help her (especially since it wasn't her choice, my boss pulled rank).

I feel bad, pretty bad, but not as bad as I would have felt if I had to wait another week to see baby N.

I feel so selfish, but so grateful that everyone pulled together so that I could be off Friday.

Now, must make trip to Wally World. Will need formula, diapers, etc. Foster mom is supposed to email me pictures of baby N, though I'm not sure if she will. If she does, I'm gonna ask her which formula he takes.

I'm so excited.

I'm so terrified about another delay.

Please send the prayers, it's gonna be a long week for me.

A Happy Baby...

Warning: Lots of rambling ahead. I feel like I'm going on a "blind date" meeting this baby I never met before. I also feel like I got "wedding day jitters" where I'm worried, but know in my heart I'm making the right choice.

At this point, none of us care what sex our future child will be, we just want a healthy baby right?

If a "healthy baby" was always a given, and we got to choose, L and I always both wanted a girl. I wanted to buy all the cutesy dresses and let L have a "daddy's little girl." We even argued over and over over girl names, but we agreed easily on a boy's name.

How quickly that all changes when I am now presented with a good chance of adopting a baby boy and I am ecstatic. I think of him and L throwing the ball in the backyard and going fishing and hunting and how awesome it will be watching them bond.

I went into the foster/adopt program with the idea that we would wait as long as it took until we got a placement for a healthy newborn. When L found out that baby N was still not in an adoptive home (we had inquired about him when he was about to be released home from the hospital the first time in December), I knew it was not a coincidence. As I called the social worker and she went through the list of his medical needs I felt disappointed. I called L and told him that we probably wouldn't be able to handle him.

The social worker asked if we would like to take him for the weekend and see if we could handle him. It was then I knew that baby N was being sent from God. All of a sudden, his temporary medical needs didn't seem to matter to us. When my MIL overheard our phone conversation about the problems she said, "maybe it's not meant to be with this kid."

I disagree, but then again, I haven't met baby N yet. I'm trying to balance between leaving it in "God's hands", with fighting to bring baby N into our family. Everyone keeps telling us to be sure we can handle him before we take him. Now, how do I respond to this without making it seem like I'm just "settling" for baby N, which is far from the truth. If I were to find out I was pregnant today, I would still fight to bring baby N home with us. I feel that strongly that he was meant to be our son (assuming he becomes freed for adoption).

So I answer everyone's question of if we can handle him:

It is not a choice. We WILL take care of him. Love is a commitment. Parenting requires sacrifice. I prayed two years for a baby and I am not about to reject the baby God has chosen for me. Baby N will be a "happy baby" and a happy baby will one of the greatest blessings in my life.

I hope that we make baby N happy and raise him to be a gentleman.

Thanks for letting me "think out loud." Sorry I didn't make much since tonight. I hope I get to meet baby N tomorrow.

Tagged Again

Kit Kat tagged me. I have a little time before church, so hear we go:

6 Weird things about me:

1. I am one of the 10% or so of people of didn't get pregnant after a year of TTC. I am also the only one in my entire extended family that has been unable to get pregnant.

2. I have a cat that acts like a dog. (After being neutered and kept in the kennel at the vet overnight, Buddy nearly had an anxiety attack after being put with the cats, so they had to put him in the room with the dogs.

3. I don't eat vegetables, well except lettuce and cucumbers, but no cooked vegetables. I am EXTREMELY picky.

4. I am extremely attached to my home state although the education sucks, the health care sucks, our insurance rates are through the roof, and our politicians are about as stupid and crooked as they come. I love the cajun culture and great food here.

5. I cannot sleep cuddling with L. I never slept well in the bed with someone else. We have a king size bed and if L so much as has a foot brushing against me at night, I whine at him to move. Cuddling's fine earlier, but I need my space when I sleep.

6. My sister and I adopted two kittens several years ago and named them Claire and Annette since we both played the clarinet. My parents later adopted a cat and named her Jazzy.

7. Since I cheated on #1, I'll give you one more, but don't have me locked up ok. I am an extreme music geek, so I named my clarinet, George. I don't know where it came from, but I wasn't the only one in the LSU band that gave my instrument a "pep talk" before an important audition. Anyway, I think George is pissed off at me because I haven't practiced in a couple years. I guess I'm too consumed with infertility now. I also went to Band Camp in Bunkie, LA

One time, at band camp.....

Let's see, who could I tag?

Yellowgirl (in my comments)
Jeanne
Michelle
Monique
Anyone else who hasn't been tagged yet and would like to respond

Quick Update

It's the weekend and baby N is not yet here, so just gonna do a quick update until Monday, unless something really p*sses me off or something really cool happens:

I removed the picture from my profile. I blog at work (before work and lunch hour), and I feel the need to gripe about work too here. The picture would have made it too easy to find me. I will post pics from time to time because it's unlikely anyone from work will go through my archives.


I had a couple co-workers "gang up" on me yesterday. My boss said that one girl had dr appointment Monday, she had a dentist appointment Tuesday and was taking off Thursday and Friday! She asks if I could schedule my visit on Wednesday. I informed her that I didn't really have a choice and am gonna have to take what I can get because baby N is having a TPR hearing in the next week or two and the judge will be very upset if he has not met his adoptive parents yet.

The other co-worker says in a smart ass way, "I am NOT cancelling my appointment!" Couldn't she have just said "I am not able to reschedule the appointment." Her remark made it sound like she could change it but wasn't.

I was close to just leaving because I've had about enough of covering for everyone else and getting shafted when I need time off. My boss later apologized saying thought I would need to take off all day, but realized I only needed to leave a couple hours early.

I know it's "worked out", but I'm so sick of no one considering my feelings when I need to take off. I mean, I had to fill in answering the phones for someone who went to a teacher conference for a 4 year old that lasted over 3 hours, but when the adoption of my future child is at stake, I basically get the middle finger thrown at me.

If I were pregnant, I'd get the needed time off for appointments, but since I'm adopting I'm a second class citizen?

Oh, and the smoking in the office is KILLING me!! I get to work and immediately start sniffling, sneezing and coughing. I guess breathing is optional there and it would just be too much trouble to smoke outside right?

I wonder if I should dare ask for maternity leave? Baby N should be placed in our home full time about the time of the year I am busiest. Again, if I were PREGNANT, I'd get leave, no questions asked. Why do I get the feeling that if I request leave for adoption, I'll get the cold shoulder?

We went to wally world and found an adorable outfit for baby N on clearance. I just had to pick it up and it was only $3.



Wow, the quick update got kinda long. Have a great weekend!

I Told You It Wouldn't Stay Empty Long

Buddy thinks we bought this for him. See the mischievous look on his face.

He knows he's not supposed to be there.

Oh well, at least it got some use for a while. He even enjoyed swatting at the mobile we put up a couple days later.

Cats....they think everything new belongs to them!

Visit Cancelled

I heard my cell phone buzzing and I just knew it was L calling with bad news.

Foster mom's son called social worker and said she had a stomach virus. Social worker thinks she's just sick because she doesn't want to let him go.

Social worker promises we will get him for a weekend visit next weekend if she has to pick him up herself.

Then again, we were supposed to get him this weekend, last weekend and the weekend before!

She said since they are having a TPR hearing in the next week or so, he will have to be visiting or else the judge is gonna get pissed if they are going for TPR but do not have him in an adoptive resourse home.

I've been waiting to meet baby N for almost a month now! If foster mom can't adopt him(and she can't), it's time for social worker to pull rank already.

I didn't cry, yet, I guess I'm just getting immune to bad news.

With Arms Wide Open

I heard this song by Creed on the radio just as I was stepping into my car from picking up my BCP. I usually get teary eyed since it was written when he found out his wife was pregnant.

I will now dedicate this song to Baby N.

"With Arms Wide Open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this Place
I'll show you everything"

Our arms are wide open to you baby, and we are anxiously, hopefully waiting for you to join our family. We are praying everyday that God will send you into our family:

"I close my eyes
Begin to pray
Then tears of Joy
Stream Down my Face"

With Arms Wide Open

He Closes One Door, Then Opens a Window

Bad News: BFN this morning.

Good News: We meet baby N Thursday afternoon and our last home visit is finally scheduled for May 3.

I don't know how long after I meet him that I will get him for a weekend visit. Hopefully this weekend(I am praying hard).

Until then, I guess I will start BCP tomorrow. Yippie!

You're Calling in a Presciption for What???

BIRTH CONTROL!!!

You have got to be kidding me!

I called Dr. Houston's office in the hopes of getting advice from a doctor with a brain asking why the f*ck my period hasn't started being 2 weeks off the prometrium.

The nurse said she was calling in a low dose BCP. I told her I am trying to get pregnant, and we were just not ready to do treatments yet(at least L isn't). She puts me on hold, talks to Dr. Houston again, and explains that I need to take them for a month or two so I can start getting normal cycles again. Since I actually trust this doctor(really, I do), I reluctantly agreed, giving her the number to my pharmacy while screaming in my head, "I DON'T WANNA TAKE FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL!"

It reminds of of when I was a kid and crying at the doctor's office, "I don' t want a shot."

Funny how I was so afraid of needles then, but would gladly give myself shots for the chance of becoming a mommy.

I really don't know what is worse: spending $3,000 on an injectible IUI cycle with no period and hoping it works, or going on BCP knowing for sure you WON'T get pregnant this month.

I was already feeling shitty about the lack of progress with baby N, now this. Was fighting back tears all day at work just feeling so hopeless.

On the bright side, BCP are covered on my insurance, Yippie!!

I guess I will take his advice and get on the pill, but I will pee on a stick first tomorrow morning dammit!

Did a pee stick...BFN! It was one of those digital ones, so I pulled it apart afterward and saw a dark line and another very faint line(I think). I assume it's a BFN because you're not supposed to visually read a digital one right?

Happy Easter

First of all, Happy Easter everyone.

I know it was another childless holiday for us, but I barely had time to think about it. Between stuffing myself with alcohol and yummy crawfish yesterday and taking down a 30' round swimming pool, I am exhausted.

Played with my cousin's baby again. It turns out she will be taking the CPA exam soon, so I boxed up all my old study materials, since I don't need them anymore(praise God).

Monday I'm gonna have L start riding ass to get baby N in our home soon. We're missing a lot of milestones and the longer it takes, the harder it will be on him.

That's pretty much all that happened today, took down a swimming pool and got sunburnt.

Enjoy the rest of your Easter holiday!

Feeling Better

My mom made baby N a beautiful Easter basket. It has lots of baby stuff and clothes in it. We didn't want to dig into it yet because we want to take a picture with baby N with it. We did peek at the card.

Baby N,

Happy Easter. We are so happy that you will be joining our family.

Love,

Nanna, Pa Pa, Aunt J and Uncle C

My mother has completely redeemed herself from all the "just relax" and "have patience" advice. Very nice card.


The crawfish boil was nice. I congratulated my fertile cousin on her baby and enjoyed playing with it, even got to feed him.

I told everyone about the possible adoption of baby N and his special needs. I really got a lot of positive feedback about it. I told them about his mouth, feeding tube and how no one wanted him because he needed extra attention for now. I said, "Baby N needs a home too" They agreed and are very excited to meet him. I really feel like he will be accepted and loved and left with a great feeling.

My aunt is going through her old baby stuff and handing them down to me. I told her I was buying my own crib and stroller/carseat(which we purchased today), but would be grateful for any other hand me downs I could use. My aunt has the high chair, swing, bouncy seats, clothes, etc.

I have a deep dark secret, and I don't know if it's proper.....


I REALLY would like a baby shower. Just because I am unable to get pregnant, I still need baby stuff, and I don't have 9 months to purchase it like fertile people do.

I know there will be some risk of baby N going home to Mommy, but I feel like he will be freed for adoption. All the happiness from everyone has been great, but still scared inside since I haven't met him and he hasn't been placed in our home yet. I am prepared to take the risk and pray for God to make him my son.

One more cool thing happened today, my aunt gave us her swimming pool!! It's one of those 30' round above ground pools. We have to go back to my grandma's tomorrow and finish taking it down.

Do you think I'm setting myself up for disappointment buying all this baby stuff now? I just try to remind myself that if the red tape keeps me from getting baby N then I will get a baby someday, somehow, by pregnancy or adoption.

Still no period. I will have been off prometrium 2 weeks Monday. The nurse said it can take prometrium 2 weeks to bring a period. I've never had a period later than 2 days after prometrium. Has anyone taken the 3 month dose lupron shot for endo? I took it 11/15, had a period Dec 1, then nothing since then. I mean, if that only meant I were pregnant it wouldn't be bad(no I didn't pee on a stick). Anyone have any idea when this will be out of my system?

This Is All for now

Hopefully it won't remain empty too much longer...



I hope I can safely purchase a real one soon. . .

Can't Concentrate

I am obsessed! I can't stop thinking about baby N!

Will we really get to visit him Monday or will foster mom be "busy" again?

Will foster mom be available but social worker unavailable?

How many visits before he can spend the weekend?

How many weekends until he can stay with us permenantly?

Will I miss his first words, crawl, walking, waiting on the state?

Will I receive another placement call?

I JUST WANT TO SEE MY BABY!!

Ok, now I'm getting possesive. The minutes pass by so slowly and the questions get answered with:

"maybe"

"We'll try"

"I don't know"

The lack of knowledge and control is driving this perfectionist in same.

All that's left now....

Hope and Faith

Wait, I'm going to be fine....I forgot, I get to see my cousin's new baby! That will make being chidless a hell of a lot easier huh?

Missing his First Easter :(

First of all, if my dear family is reading this post, stop now, unless you're prepared to read it without giving my the silent treatment. This is my place to vent, and is therapy for me to write, so I don't hold back anything here.

The meeting went well. Baby N is 14 pounds! We went over all his medical needs and doctors. The good news is the mother was not on drugs. He was taken because of medical neglect, his prognosis for returning home is poor, but he is not yet available for adoption, although they are staffing for TPR and will probably be sucessful.

The next step...We have to visit baby N at the foster mom's house. L called her today. She is going out of town so baby N will be staying with his nurse. He asked why he just couldn't stay with us. They have to have time to go over his medical needs with us.

She decides to go out of town, so we get to miss a valuable 3 day holiday weekend with baby N so he can stay with a f*cking babysitter!!

I am NOT happy.
Mom leaves a message on my cell phone. I call her back and the first thing I tell her is "don't tell me to have patience." I love my mom dearly, and she really tries, but she was struggling on words of advice to give me since I disallowed using the "be patient" line. After the heart felt, well intentioned advice, I think I should have just listened to the "have patience" speech. Instead this is what I hear:

"That's just more red tape you have to go through."

"Try to focus on the positive."

"You don't have him now, but try to focus on the future with him"

"Just enjoy visiting with family and enjoy their company"

Oh, here's the best one, my cousin had a new baby in December:

"You can play with your cousin's baby now, and baby N next weekend."

It hurts for me to write this, but those words hurt me too. I said, "listen mom, this weekend is going to suck, and that's all."

What do I want her to day? Lisa, I know it sucks and I'm sorry you are going to miss Easter with baby N.

Is that so hard?

I Can't Believe I Did this. . .

First of all, had to visit L's aunt at women's and children's hospital.

Her room.....right by the nursery, got sad, but remained composed.

We went shopping for baby stuff. Although we haven't met baby N yet, there's a good possiblity that he will be spending next weekend with us, so we needed to get the bare essentials:

Baby bed
Car seat

Of course, this crap town we lived in didn't have anything, so we drove an hour and a half to civilization. Didn't find anything I liked. I did find a baby bed at Wally world we will probably get but they were out of stock...as usual.

We did get a mattress, 2 crib sheets, a little thing to put in the tub to bathe him, and...

a blanket.

I am covering with baby N's blanket, it's so soft.

Hopefully the truck tonight will have the baby bed in so we can attempt to assmeble it before he gets here. I'd rather do it now than be cussing and fussing with and losing precious time during our visit with baby N.

This blanket is so soft and warm...

I really hope this works.

I'm so excited. I'm so terrified. There is so much unknown.

The news is spreading around this small town like wildfire. We saw the Rita family as we were pushing our mattress around Wally World. I keep looking at babies and trying to imagine how big baby N will be.

We got our first congratulations on the adoption(although it won't happen for a while). It felt we good. It made me want to hug them. The only problem. . .

what if the mom gets him back and is still not able to care for him properly?

Gotta trust in God. I just don't believe it's a coincidence that baby N is still in the picture, and in a foster home, not an adoptive home. I feel the love for him already. I really hope this is the one.

If not, I hope that he is with a loving family, and not being neglected by his birth mom. I am so scared that the meeting Monday will just be another repeat of all his "flaws" instead of positive things.

Oh, I was talking to my lovely husband, joking about possibly being pregnant, considering the prometrium did not bring my period and it usually does. I asked if we got pregnant, would you still take baby N? He responded with a quick "of course!"

God, please let this be my future son. Give us the strength to care for him and the patience to work with him and his doctors. Bless me with the instant love a mom has after giving birth when I meet baby N. And Lord, if he is placed with me, please, do not send him away.

I REALLY do need to find a car seat. Do you think a 5 month old fits in an infant car seat? Must ask social worker how much he weighs!

We Don't Need Advice!

This is to all of our fertile loved ones. We know you mean well, and I write this knowing that your advice and suggestions come out of love. I know I've written about this before, but here are some suggestions on how you can REALLY help:

1. We don't need advice, we need SUPPORT.

We are competent adults. We KNOW all the options, have CONSIDERED all the options and have made an informed decision based on what's right for us.

2. We don't need to be informed of what COULD go wrong, we need your love and support if it does go wrong.

We are aware that infertility drugs may cause multiples so please don't tell us to be careful we don't have a "litter" of babies.

We know adoption is a long waiting process with a lot of red tape and we know the birthmother may change her mind.

We know that a foster placement may go home to their parents and will grieve for us, but rejoice if the mother has trully put her kids' needs before our own.

These well intentioned words of advice only bring back painful reminders that we already know are possiblities.

3. Don't tell us to be careful and make sure we can handle the child's needs, just love and accept the child and his/her imperfections.

We have prayed about the child, and trust that God has allowed the child into our home and that He will provide courage, strength, wisdom, patience, etc.

And, Finallly PLEASE:

4. Don't tell us we will get pregnant when we stop thinking about it.

If God sends us a miracle, it could happen. It will NOT happen simply because we are not thinking about it. Please understand that it doesn't mean we have given up, but please

I beg you.....

PLEASE. . . .

STOP TELLING US TO RELAX!!!

Presentation Meeting

The social worker called me this afternoon and we talked for a while. She said she didn't remember how much information she gave me and let me ask questions:

Social Worker: I don't remember how much information I gave you, so do you have any questions?

Me: Where are we in the process?

Social Worker: First, I must tell you something important: Baby N is not legally free for adoption. The father is surreending rights but we are staffing for TPR on the mother and she is going to fight us.

Me: Is she trying to take care of him?

Social worker: Yes and No. She doesn't have the mental capacity to understand the seriousness of his medical condition. She is not able to care for him and take care of all his needs. He needs about 8 surgeries over the next few years.

Me: Why so many? Aren't cleft palettes usually fixed in one surgery when the baby is 3-5 months old?

Social worker: You know what a soft pallet is? It's the roof of your month.

Me: right. . .

Social worker: He has none!

Me: He has no pallette? I thought it was just cleft. Now I understand why it will take so many surgeries! Do the doctors think they can fix it?

Social Worker: They are working on it and want to make it easy on him too. We are going to do a presentation meeting, did L tell you about it?

Me: No. . .when did he schedule it?

Social Worker: Monday morning at 9:30. We will go over everything with you and try to bring a picture of baby N.

Me: Do you think we can have him next weekend for a visit since it will be a long weekend?

Social Worker: That's what we're shooting for!


So, baby N doesn't have a cleft palette, he has NO palette! He is only eating through a feeding tube now but it sounds really easy. She said you just push the formula into his stomach through a syringe.

I can handle that, but a little disappointed I won't be able to bottle feed him.

I'm nervous, scared, and excited all at once. She made a point to mention that he still could return home to mom, and doesn't want to get our hopes up. It doesn't seem likely since she already lost 2 other kids to the state.

With my luck, I'm afraid he will be sent home. I guess I just have to face my fears to have a chance at becoming a mommy.

More Political Bull Crap

The social worker called L today. We have to meet with her so she can show us pictures, his life book and go over his medical conditions.

Because of some political crap, she is probably gonna have to place baby N in our home as a foster placement. She said she can't place him as adoptive, because she will get in serious trouble(and probably fired), because "adoption people" have to do adoptions. I don't understand this! Would she be taking "credit" due to the adoption people if she placed a kid in an adoptive home?

Anyway, the title doesn't matter because we will still be the ones to be able to adopt him. She did say that the mom was gonna fight TPR, but will probably lose, especially since she's moving to Arkansas(and expects the foster family to drive 5 hours to meet her for a visit, which the social worker said wouldn't happen.

A quick fertility update. Still no period since December 1. I started prometrium on Mar 20 and finished it on Monday. Still nothing. If only I were normal and that meant I were pregnant.

The Ball is Rolling. . .Slowly, but Rolling

L talked to our home development worker and her supervisor. She thinks baby N is a wonderful opportunity for us and will push us near the top of her list to finish the home visit since we have a placement oppurtunity! She says there is no reason to delay, because he needs to start bonding with us as soon as possible. She told L she would email the social worker as soon as she got off the phone with him.

The next step: A meeting with social worker and her supervisor to discuss baby N's medical needs, to make sure we will continue with his surgeries and discuss how to care for him with the cleft lip and feeding tube. The home development worker suggested we get a second opinion from another doctor. We will ask the social worker if that is OK if we pay for a consult and finish treatment with another doctor after the adoption (Texas Children's hospital probably).

I think we will get to meet our possible future son soon! I just pray I have the strength and ability to take care of him and that after his surgeries, he will be a happy healthy little boy!

More Delays. . .

Well, L talked to the social worker today.

They want us to meet with her and her supervisor to discuss his medical issues, and health insurance for baby N after we adopt him. They told us they would love for us to take him, and that things would move really fast with the adoption since TPR is about to happen. He will have to have several surgeries and they want to make sure we get him the medical care he needs.

It sounds like they are delaying his treatment until he gets adopted so the state will be relieved of paying for it. The good news is my boss said I shouldn't have a problem adding him to our health insurance. The bad news: I don't want him to meet his lifetime maximum before he's 4 years old!

Ok, I'm being bitter I guess. I'm just tired of the state dragging ass all the time. At least I know when we get through the red tape the adoption should move along quickly.

The birthmom moved out of state, so when baby N is placed with us he will be ours.

The social worker did say she hoped to have him with us (for a weekend visit) Easter weekend.

Please send prayers. We could use them.