I Can't Believe I Did this. . .

First of all, had to visit L's aunt at women's and children's hospital.

Her room.....right by the nursery, got sad, but remained composed.

We went shopping for baby stuff. Although we haven't met baby N yet, there's a good possiblity that he will be spending next weekend with us, so we needed to get the bare essentials:

Baby bed
Car seat

Of course, this crap town we lived in didn't have anything, so we drove an hour and a half to civilization. Didn't find anything I liked. I did find a baby bed at Wally world we will probably get but they were out of stock...as usual.

We did get a mattress, 2 crib sheets, a little thing to put in the tub to bathe him, and...

a blanket.

I am covering with baby N's blanket, it's so soft.

Hopefully the truck tonight will have the baby bed in so we can attempt to assmeble it before he gets here. I'd rather do it now than be cussing and fussing with and losing precious time during our visit with baby N.

This blanket is so soft and warm...

I really hope this works.

I'm so excited. I'm so terrified. There is so much unknown.

The news is spreading around this small town like wildfire. We saw the Rita family as we were pushing our mattress around Wally World. I keep looking at babies and trying to imagine how big baby N will be.

We got our first congratulations on the adoption(although it won't happen for a while). It felt we good. It made me want to hug them. The only problem. . .

what if the mom gets him back and is still not able to care for him properly?

Gotta trust in God. I just don't believe it's a coincidence that baby N is still in the picture, and in a foster home, not an adoptive home. I feel the love for him already. I really hope this is the one.

If not, I hope that he is with a loving family, and not being neglected by his birth mom. I am so scared that the meeting Monday will just be another repeat of all his "flaws" instead of positive things.

Oh, I was talking to my lovely husband, joking about possibly being pregnant, considering the prometrium did not bring my period and it usually does. I asked if we got pregnant, would you still take baby N? He responded with a quick "of course!"

God, please let this be my future son. Give us the strength to care for him and the patience to work with him and his doctors. Bless me with the instant love a mom has after giving birth when I meet baby N. And Lord, if he is placed with me, please, do not send him away.

I REALLY do need to find a car seat. Do you think a 5 month old fits in an infant car seat? Must ask social worker how much he weighs!