A Happy Baby...

Warning: Lots of rambling ahead. I feel like I'm going on a "blind date" meeting this baby I never met before. I also feel like I got "wedding day jitters" where I'm worried, but know in my heart I'm making the right choice.

At this point, none of us care what sex our future child will be, we just want a healthy baby right?

If a "healthy baby" was always a given, and we got to choose, L and I always both wanted a girl. I wanted to buy all the cutesy dresses and let L have a "daddy's little girl." We even argued over and over over girl names, but we agreed easily on a boy's name.

How quickly that all changes when I am now presented with a good chance of adopting a baby boy and I am ecstatic. I think of him and L throwing the ball in the backyard and going fishing and hunting and how awesome it will be watching them bond.

I went into the foster/adopt program with the idea that we would wait as long as it took until we got a placement for a healthy newborn. When L found out that baby N was still not in an adoptive home (we had inquired about him when he was about to be released home from the hospital the first time in December), I knew it was not a coincidence. As I called the social worker and she went through the list of his medical needs I felt disappointed. I called L and told him that we probably wouldn't be able to handle him.

The social worker asked if we would like to take him for the weekend and see if we could handle him. It was then I knew that baby N was being sent from God. All of a sudden, his temporary medical needs didn't seem to matter to us. When my MIL overheard our phone conversation about the problems she said, "maybe it's not meant to be with this kid."

I disagree, but then again, I haven't met baby N yet. I'm trying to balance between leaving it in "God's hands", with fighting to bring baby N into our family. Everyone keeps telling us to be sure we can handle him before we take him. Now, how do I respond to this without making it seem like I'm just "settling" for baby N, which is far from the truth. If I were to find out I was pregnant today, I would still fight to bring baby N home with us. I feel that strongly that he was meant to be our son (assuming he becomes freed for adoption).

So I answer everyone's question of if we can handle him:

It is not a choice. We WILL take care of him. Love is a commitment. Parenting requires sacrifice. I prayed two years for a baby and I am not about to reject the baby God has chosen for me. Baby N will be a "happy baby" and a happy baby will one of the greatest blessings in my life.

I hope that we make baby N happy and raise him to be a gentleman.

Thanks for letting me "think out loud." Sorry I didn't make much since tonight. I hope I get to meet baby N tomorrow.