Surgeries

Smiley's first(and hopefully only) cleft palette repair surgery-Jan 18.

Princess's second heart surgery will be approximately 6 months from now and learned yesterday it will require a 2-3 week hospital stay if she if breathing well. The surgery will have to be done in Katrina town since that's the only place with the surgeons avaialble. I knew it couldn't be done in the crap town we live in, but I was hoping it could be down in the city near where my parents lived. I'm gonna check around anyway, because they may be lying.

No decision about the g-tube yet. At this point I say let's do it and get her home. I just pray she won't have to be on the ventilator again. The hospital staff is impressed we already know how to g-tube feed a baby.

They haven't tried bottle feeding Princess yet because she is still breathing 60-70 times a minute compared to a normal rate of 40 times a minute. Her cardiologist says when she gets to around 60 or less, they can try bottle feeding again.

I am getting worried that Princess' release and Smiley's surgery will fall on the same weekend, especially since the hospital wants me to room in with Princess a night before we can take her home.

I did not get much rest on vacation and we did not take a vacation.

Back to work on Monday...no, I did not miss it, not one second! I loved being home with my baby, even though he was cranky and teething.

G-Tube

Princess is sceduled for a consult with a pediatric surgeon about placing a g-tube. This will make surgery #3 in her 2 1/2 short months of life. Lucky for me, I know how to g-tube feed a baby, I even requested a certain locking type I want. I feel for Princess having another surgery. It will also make things a bit more difficult for us in finding a babysitter and it may cause day care issues.

The following may sound selfish, but this is my "diary" so I will not hide my feelings. I love Smiley and Princess, and everything about them being babies and the bonding baby stuff you do with them, but I very much missed out on bottle feeding. I miss the bonding of holding them, looking into your eyes as they eat. I know I'll never get to breastfeed, but bottle feeding is awesome too.

Now don't get me wrong, g-tube feeding can be a bonding experience too, but it's difficult to hold and feed your baby at the same time. As horrible as it sounds, relatives will be less likely to want Princess if she has a feeding tube,but I'm no longer afraid of it, so no problem for me. I would not even consider not taking Princess because of a g-tube, I was just secretly hoping I would be able to bottle feed her. I may...eventually, I just now know how difficult the transition from g-tube feeding to oral feeding can be. I pray that day care will be willing to learn to g-tube feed her as they seemed to be willing to learn for Smiley.

Another reason I need to be a stay at home mom right?

Ok, done being selfish. I was just wanting to be able to bottle feed like normal mommies! Bad Mommy I'm being!

On the bright side, g-tube feedings are quicker and more convenient most of the time. I am mostly upset that it will require another surgery and I pray she does not have to be put on the ventilator again.

I don't know why, but I want to cry. I guess I'll think of it as potty trained. One g-tube removed(Smiley's probably soon) and one more baby to teach to eat.

I will count my blessings. She is breathing on her own and her heart should be fine. Just a minor setback...

Someone Cares About Smiley

I called Smiley's former attorney over some concerns I had with the case and how no one was speaking for him. She said she'd try to be at the next hearing if we'd like. I said I'd love her to be there. If she doesn't have a conflict, she will be there to represent Smiley. She likes Smiley! She's also taking care of some other issues we've been having. God bless her.

Christmas Present

Well, we let Smiley visit at my grandma's yesterday and went to visit Princess at the hospital together. It is so awesome on the rare occasions where L and I get to visit Princess together, but then Smiley is in the back of my mind the whole time too.

We got there and Princess received several Christmas gifts and she had a present for us the hospital made! The nurse was excited telling us to open our present. I was holding Princess so I told L to open our Christmas present because I was holding MY Christmas present. The nurse laughed, and let us alone to visit with our foster(hopefully adoptive one day) daughter. The gift was a picture of Princess dressed in a reindeer, complete with the red nose. She looked so precious. I can' t post it here, but send emails if you'd like to see and if I've known you I while, I'll email it to you. I also took an incredibly adorable one of Smiley in his Christmas outfit from Mimi!

Well, got to run. Smiley has been EXTREMELY grouchy lately. May have to change his nickname to grouchy. I hope this phase ends soon. He's been a challenge today, but still a blessing of course.

Waiting Patiently. . .

I guess she's gonna be one of those girls who is always late, always making you wait on her.

She'll come through, in her own time, not ours, but when SHE'S ready.

She started breathing on her own when she was ready. She will starting bottle feeding when she is ready.

She will come home from the hospital when she is good and ready.

Mommy and Daddy(hopefully one day) and big brother, are waiting patiently to welcome you home.

We love you, little girl, and pray for you everyday, and look forward to the day you can come home.

P.S. Could you come home soon? The dress is 0-3 months and hope it still fits. Of course Daddy will buy more if you outgrow it though.

All Or Nothing

Court for Smiley was HORRIBLE yesterday, which is why I've been absent from writing, I was so shook up. Bio mom got up and lied and it appeared the judge believed that they weren't giving her a fair chance(but maybe he didn't). Her boyfriend got up after making a scene because he wanted to testify and bashed us. He said we busted Smiley's feeding tube!

I don' t have the energy to go into much more detail now, but he ordered another hearing in 90 days and the judge will decide whether to keep the plan at TPR or change to reunification. My worker believes he will terminate rights that day, but I'm terrified. Reunification would be a death sentence to Smiley.

Smiley's lawyer said nothing, no objections or nothing to the bashing by the boyfriend.

Please send prayers that this will all be over(in a good way) in a few months.

Out of Jail

Princess's mom is out of jail, so now Princess gets to have visits. I know I'm being selfish but this sucks! If you had been at the hospital watching her struggle, you may understand where I'm coming from. She did that to Princess and she gets to be an automatic mommy! Just let me be a bad foster mom and vent today and tomorrow I'll be a good foster mom and say how much she needs to go home with her mommy. This doesn't make it any more likely for her to go home, it just means we have to deal with visits when we thought we wouldn't. Mom gets to visit Princess for the first time on Wednesday. Transportation will bring her, of course!

Well, the other relatives inquiring about Princess have not returned the worker's calls...

I Held Her First!

That's what L says as he walks out of the PICU yesterday when we went to see Princess. All the kicking and screaming and begging to get L to ride with me to Katrina town so I could see our little girl and not only does he decide to go peek in on her, but holds her! She even smiled at him. You know, that kind of smile that says, "Daddy, I got you wrapped." L comes out saying, "I'm the first person who got to hold her. Noone else has held her before."

Why didn't we go in together? We have to take turns because we have to bring Smiley along and he is not allowed in the PICU, so we have to take turns.

So, finally it's my turn.

Nurse: Would you like to hold her?

Me: Yes! (of course I do, I've only been waiting a month to hold her!)

She's so tiny(although she was born normal size/weight). She looks like she's maybe two weeks old rather than 2 months. She is staring at me with those pretty little eyes. Oh, and the eyelashes, she has my long eyelashes! I held her for about 30 minutes in awe, forgetting the fact that L was in the hall alone with very cranky, teething Smiley. My arm hurts today and I smile as I remember why. She is so precious. I pray we get to keep her. They have a few relatives interested, but we are the only ones who have been by her bedside with her, visiting her, calling about her and loving he. I pray that they hear she's with a good family who can meet her medical needs and let her go, like Smiley's family. I didn't get a picture yesterday because I just couldn't put her down to take a picture.

Ok, back to Princess's progress. She is ready to be moved to a room, but they are all full, so she will stay in PICU. The nurse tried bottle feeding but she choked on it. Several possible reasons why: 1. She's never eaten by mouth and not used to it. 2. She's on continuous feeding pump, so she's not hungry enough. I suggested stopping the pump a couple hours and try the bottle when she is actually hungry. They may try that, but occupation therapy will start working with her on Monday and will probably have more success. Pray she will not need a g-tube. I don' t want her to go through any more surgeries. I'm sure she will do fine because this was only the first attempt at feeding her. She is breathing well, and that has been a big accomplishment. I'm thinking she will be released sometime next week.

Could you think of a more perfect Christmas gift?

Dream Mommy, CPA!

I finally got my experience letter from the company's CPA firm, documenting my work experience. 2 1/2 years after passing the CPA exam, I finally have the required work experience to get my license(and I thought passing the exam was the hard part). One minor screwup as the CPA sent my letter to the board rather than giving it to me to include in my application. I called the board and they said they received the letter, it was appropriate and would hang onto it while I send the rest of the application! I sent L to the post office to overnight it. Next board meeting as at the end of January and hopefully will be finally licensed by then.

Before you ask, no, I don't do taxes. I did 2 or 3 on the side the last couple years, but I'm in industry accounting and not up to date on new tax laws. I never wrote much about my career, but I struggled just as much as my journey to become a parent. It took 2 years after I graduated to get my first real job in my field. I even had to work as a security guard until I found real work. I thought of that as a good networking experience, because I was working at a heliport for a major oil company(contracted, unfortunately), and I could let all the guys know to be on the look-out for any accounting positions. It didn't work, but I did have a guy at the company checking regularly for positions and speaking for me! Also, it gave me lots of downtime to study for the CPA exam, because I was so bored. Of course, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to be a stay at home mom.

You see a pattern here in my life. EVERYTHING I want, I must seriously struggle to obtain.

Oh, update on L. They didn't see any foreign object in his lungs, so they believe the serious drainage he was having caused severe infection. He is instructed to stay on antibiotics.

No Girls

The judge decided to keep the girls with grandma. Phew! I was taking a leap of faith saying yes, and am somewhat relieved. Our worker does know a family who wants them because they don't think grandma will pass the homestudy.

Now we're back to just Smiley and Princess.

Fostermom of 4!

The girls' worker called L this morning seeing if we could take them so she could tell the judge they had a home. He said ok, but we could not commit to adopting them at this point and we could keep them til' they found a more permanant place. It's not definate, just depends on what the judge decides this afternoon.

Our worker said if we wanted to take the girls she would sign a waiver for us to take the baby. Opposite sex children under 5 0r 6 can share a room. Their worker is working on getting day care set up for the girls, and Smiley. Our original application for Smiley was denied, because they were basing it on our income and they are not supposed to do that.

Now I have some questions, so please help me if you know the answers:

1. Can a 4 year old ride in the front seat(in a booster seat of course) if all the available back seatbelts are full?

2. Any suggestions on how I should handle Christmas on such short notice? Should I buy gifts for family gatherings and put them from relatives we visit so they aren't left out?

3. Should we cancel the Disney World trip or bring all 3(or 4) kids?

4. How do we tell the family without them thinking we're nuts?(Sis, I know you read this, but if you could keep a secret for a while, I'd appreciate it).

5. Are we crazy??

4 Kids?

Baby D's worker is begging us to take a sibling set of 2 girls, 4 and 2. I told L for us to consider it, she'd have to ok it with our home development worker, Princess's worker and adoption, and I'd need IMMEDIATE daycare vouchers for all 4 children.

I told L if he let me stay home, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. If the sibling set were boy and girl, we may could get away with it putting 2 of the same sex in each extra room, but with 3 girls and 1 boy, I'm not sure it would work.

I told L whatever happened, they must not give me trouble about adopting Princess and Smiley if they become available.

Not sure our home development worker will allow it. She's good with us, but will probably say we are nuts!

If we were crazy enough to take all the kids, this is what our household would consist of:
girl - 4 yrs
girl - 2 yrs
boy - 13 mos
girl - 2 mos

Germs. . .

1. Smiley is still vomiting. Will call pediatrician tomorrow if it continues. Poor Smiley has been having this off and on since Friday. I fed him and let him sit a while before dressing him. Not 5 seconds after I dressed him, up comes everything. Yuck! I am beginning to worry about dehydration. He tolerates the pedialite sometimes, but eventually he will need some calories.

2. Thursday L is having the camera ran into his lungs to investigate the problem. We suspect infection and pneumonia may have been caused by a packing that somehow got into his lungs during sinus surgery. Hopefully, if this is the case, they can remove it without too much damage to his lungs.

3. I am completely exhausted, although I have been sleeping. I'm mentally stressed and exhausted. I hope all 3 of my babies get better soon.

4. They are getting ready to take Princess off the ventilator as I type now. They expect her to do fine after. Hopefully this 4th try is the last and she can start breathing, eating, and hopefully come home. Hopefully my house will be germ free by then, or at least stomach bug free.

5. Still praying hard to escape catching the stomach virus. I've washed my hands so much, they are extremely dry with small cuts all over. Not pleasant.

Please pray for my babies again. I'm sure L will be fine after Thursday but getting concerned about Smiley dehydrating. He lost a little over a pound and sleeps all the time.

Any suggestions of anything somewhat nutritious he may be able to tolerate? Keep in mind, he has no teeth(only one crooked one at the top).

Abcess or Foreign Object

That's what they think is in hubby's lungs. They will run a camera down into his lungs on Thursday, and if it's a foreign object(from sinus surgery) they will try to remove it.

I had to stay home with Smiley today. Took him to the doctor and he had a bad sinus infection and that is what she thinks was making his stomach sick.

I 'm too exhausted to write much more. I promise to update soon.

Guilty

I've been feeling like there's not enough of me to go around this weekend.

I feel guilty about:

-Not being able to visit Princess this weekend. She just had surgery a few days ago and is all alone. I hope she knows we love her.

-feeling relieved that Princess was not released this weekend, because Smiley and L have been so needy of my care, I don' t think I could have been up all night with Princess' withdrawal screams too.

-Being too worried about Princess and Smiley to give L the cuddle time(although I've been caring for him like an infant, since he's been so weak) he needs feeling so bad.

-Not insisting on checking L into the hospital. He said he wants to give it til Monday to see if the antibiotics helped any.

-worrying about losing Princess to a relative before she is even brought into my care.

I need to see my little girl, but I would need a babysitter for L and Smiley. I've had to watch L very closely, since he's sometimes so weak he passes out. I know it's cause he needs his rest and is still trying to do too much, although I did not let him leave the house today. I know he really needs me now and it isn't the typical whiney sick husband thing.

I'm very worried with L being sick as the nearest decent hospital is about 45 minutes away and I pray that whatever was on the X-ray did not require immediate hospitalization.

Well, gotta go check on the hubby.

Is That What I think it is?

That's what L overheard the radiologist say as he was looking at the mri/cat scan of his lungs. He asked what it was and he said he couldn't discuss it with him, and that he'd have to talk to his doctor on Monday! If it required immediate hospitalization, someone should call him right?

Smiley decided he wanted to go to the hospital too as he vomited up the 3 oz of pedisure he had taken so well by mouth just minutes earlier, so off to the emergency room with Smiley, since there's no way to get to a pediatrician's office on a Friday afternoon. He may have a stomach virus, courtesy of his first week in day care.

So now I have a baby girl a few days out of heart surgery, a husband with pneumonia, and baby with stomach virus. Please pray I don't catch the stomach virus, because I don't know who'd take care of my babies if I were laid up a couple days. More important, please pray L's scans is nothing more than pneumonia, cause that's bad enough.

I'm going insane with worry!

Knocked Down Again

I didn't have the energy to write about this yesterday, but L was diagnosed with a patch of pneumonia in one of his lungs yesterday. I now have a sick baby and husband and I'm exhausted with worry. I have to bring him to the hospital tomorrow afternoon for more tests. He doesn't know how to stop and rest, so I may ask the doctor to admit him to the hospital. I told him to go to bed, but he doesn't know how to stop and relax. With all this going on, I'm busy at work too. Such fun!

Princess is doing as well as can be expected one day past surgery, but her recovery time is just starting over again. I talked to her caseworker and several relatives have contacted her showing interest in Princess. She doesn' t know if any of them will check out, or if they can meet her medical needs so there is still a lot of unknowns. I know she isn't "mine" but reality is that I may "lose" her. Right now, we are considered the foster parents until someone tells her otherwise. Of course, mom and dad want to work the case plan to get her back, but I don't think the clock stops ticking while they are in jail. Ok, being a bad foster mom!! Must support reunification, because she deserves her little girl back, even after all she put her through right?

Oh yeah, she is gonna meet us to go shopping to get her a car seat, life book supplies and clothes! It seems Princess has a good worker and that's always a plus.

I cannot worry about losing her now, just love her while I can nor could I accept another baby instead of her who was closer to being "freed for adoption." I'm just gonna jump in and pray a lot.

Another Surgery

They can to Operate on Princess again to adjust the PA? band they put in for her heart in the first surgery. They hope this will help the respiratory problems and think it was causing her lungs to not be able to open all the way before.

So we start all over again and I can' t even hold my little girl to comfort her.

All the hope I had, and have to start all over again.

Withdrawing

Princess is still breathing well and blood gases are good. They don't think she will have to be re-intubated. Praise God! I knew she'd prove that nurse wrong.

Now she has a knew problem, withdrawals, or at least that's what I think it is. The nurse today told me she gets so mad that she turns purple and her heart rate drops. They gave her something to calm her down. I heard withdrawals were bad, but didn't realize they were THAT bad.

So now I have to ask for another prayer request, that she can fight the withdrawals.

They may start feeding her tomorrow, not sure if by mouth or through nose tube. Perhaps if she is still eating and breathing well she should come home soon? Or maybe I can hold her this weekend.

That Was Cold!

Me: Hi, I'm calling to check on Princess.

Nurse: One moment.

Nurse: This is C

Me: I'm calling to see how Princess is doing.

Nurse: Is this her foster mother?

Me: Yes

Nurse: Well she was extubated about 30 minutes ago.

Me: Really, how did she do?

Nurse: well, she's holding her own right now, but last time it took her 48 hours for her to poop out, so well see!


I swear, that was an exact quote! Are nurses that cold with all patients' parents, or is it just cause I'm a foster mom and I don't have feelings?

As you can guess, I was not comforted by those words. . .

Day Care

Today I went to drop Smiley off at the sitter's house and she was not there. Well, we've been talking about putting him in day care anyway, so this morning I filled out the paperwork and dropped him off. I was lucky they had openings, not only for him, but Princess too, and I was lucky they let me leave him today. I feel like a bad mom and been worried sick about him all day. I know they are a certified day care, but I was a mess. I was put in a situation of making a quick decision or chancing losing my job. I feel better now that I heard a co-worker's sister uses them for her baby and she is very picky.

L went to check on him and lunch, and to tube feed him and he was doing fine. Maybe it will help his development being around other kids. I know he will get sick more and that's not good. I feel like I abandoned Smiley. I can't wait until 5 so I can get him back. I guess I'll get used to the idea and it will get easier. I felt the same way the first day the nurse came and I left him with her. L promised he'd pop in there a couple times a day, so I feel better. I'm gonna really be a mess when he starts school.

Oh yeah, they gave me paperwork asking if I got assistance in paying for daycare. I said I might since he's a foster child and she seemed to think so too, but we'll see what happens.

Princess's extubation should have been around noon today and I've been worried sick about her too. I've been praying so hard that it's successful and she's on her way to coming home soon. The nurse yesterday told me if I called back around 3, they should know something by then.

I'm such a mess today!!

Baby D

Remember Baby D?

Well, L, Smiley and I went to Katrina town yesterday to go see Princess and go shop for a crib and a few more baby items for Princess. We also had a nice dinner out and Smiley did not cry too much.

Like I said, since we were already in Katrina town visiting princess(too bad not in the same hospital), we stopped by to visit baby D. It took a little while for the nurses to look up and see that we were still on the visiting list, but they let us see him(one at a time since Smiley couldn't go in the NICU). I told the nurses we were JUST VISITING and to tell his regular nurse we stopped by JUST TO VISIT.

Me: Wow! He got big!

Nurse: Want to hold him?

Me: YES!

Nurse: I'll just let you cuddle him a little while and check on my other patient, call if you need me.

Me: Ok.

I loved on baby D for about 10-15 minutes, careful not to blister his skin, then let the nurse put him to bed, took a couple new pics for his caseworker, and kissed him goodbye.

I wish Princess were at that hospital too. The nurses are extra nice there and didn't make me feel like a bother, although I had no good reason to be there. They seemed to appreciate me giving baby D some snuggling for a little while.

Princess' nurse yesterday didn't seem as optimistic about the extubation tomorrow. She said they do it in the OR when they don't believe it would be successful. I asked what would happen next if it didn't work. She said something about the arota? blocking part of the lungs? You don't understand? Neither do I. I didn't get a good explanation except possibly another surgery? I asked if the doctor could call, but I doubt he will. I was not too happy when I left. I'm gonna have L call the caseworker and see if she can get some decent information. Until then, please pray the extubation is successful because this would really be a turning point in her recovery.

By the way, ya'll know where I'm talking about when I say Katrina town? Just trying to keep some confidentialilty.

Princess' Game Plan

I finally talked to a really good nurse at the hospital, and now feel better because I know what steps they are taking and what needs to happen for her to go home. So, here's the plan:

1. Monday or Tuesaday, depending on when an ENT is availabe. They will do a controlled extubation in the OR. This is usually more successful than what they tried before.

2. If she is breathing fine, they should start feeding her again by ng? tube the next day.

3. After a couple more days, they will have occupational therapy come every 3 hours to work with oral feeding.

4. A few days after she is eating well(and hopefully stil breathing well) she will be released.

Everything depends on how the extubation goes(pray for Monday and success). She has nothing wrong with her lungs or any infections that are preventing her from breathing. She has been trying to breathe over the ventilator, which I think is good.

I don't know what or if anything will happen with the other baby. I don't know the mom. I don't think my co-worker does either, but knows the doctors well. Chances are high the baby will end up going into foster care, and if that's the case, I'll let another family have it. If she actually wants to do a private adoption, I wouldn't even know where to begin, but it would be hard to pass up a baby that would be mine almost right away.

A lot is up to L too. I simply MUST have Princess. She is non-negotiable and I'm too in love with her already so it's either going to be both babies, or just Princess. I also don't know what the medical needs of this baby will be. I know I wouldn't know if it were my own child, but Smiley needs 2-3 more operations and Princess will need one more. If the baby is fairly healthy, perhaps we could handle it. I just don't think I could handle 3 medically needy babies. Yes, I could care for all of them, but then I'd be looking at not having enough days in the month to take them to medical appointments. Also, I don't know if social services would let me have 3 in diapers, although they usually bend rules when it fits them.

I don't expect anything to come of this, but trying to have a plan in case it does.