No News Is Good News

I pray the lack of news from OCS means that Princess is safe, and that her grandma found a more suitable babysitter for her and her sister while she works. I have to put her in God's hands and know He will keep her safe.

I didn't care for the nurse that came yesterday for baby N. His regular nurse is awesome! This nurse, I don't know what it is, but I feel like she is watching us. Her mom works at OCS with our CW. So Young informend me that she asked her all kinds of questions and was taking notes as she was answering! WTF??? So Young is not her patient, baby N is! When So Young came out her room yesterday morning, that nurse accusingly asked, "who's that girl?" None of your F*ing business!!

So Young told me, "I don't like her much." That makes 3 of us. L is going to call today and ask if the nurse who came this morning(another fill in) can come all the days our regular nurse cannot be there. I like the lady this morning. She has been a nurse fo 40 years and was excited to play with baby N. Hopefully all will work out and I'll have a good nurse everyday.

Well, that's about it. Nothing interesting happening now, but that will surely change soon. As long as I'm a foster mom, no telling what will happen next!

Princess and Baby N

No update on Princess. I hope that means she is safe and the bruises were accidental, although I'm not sure how you could accidentally get 2 black eyes.

Baby N was cranky yesterday, as he usually is after family visits. I did manage to get 4-5 good pictures of him with his sisters and mother. I think he will appreciate it later. Bio mom also brought baby N some clothes, but they smelled REALLY bad of smoke, so had to wash them a few times.

Baby N gets tubes next Wednesday.

Oh yeah, here is the conversation L had with Princess at the visit yesterday:

L and Princess and playing with a puzzle..

Princess: Thank you for taking care of baby brother. Do you have a bathroom in your house?

L: yes, we have 2, one is decorated in ducks and the other in cats and dogs.

Princess: Oh..our bathroom doesn't work. I have to go to the neighbor's to use the bathroom.

At this point CW's mouth hit the floor and she pulled her aside to talk.

I don't know the details about the eyes but Princess said her sister hit her with a bat and her sister said her mom did.

Heartbroken

I don't know how to say this but here goes:

At the family visit today, baby N's younger older sister had a black eye. The supervisor pulled her aside and found several bruises on her. It turns out baby N's mom is watching her 2 girls while her mother is at work. She almost hit the girl in OCS office, but stopped herself when she realized where she was.

I may get attacked for this but I believe in spanking. That's what the bottom is designed for, but the child shouldn't has bruises all over from being disciplined, that's abuse! I know I cannot and will not spank a foster child, so don't freak out, I know the rules, but at 4 years old, taking away toys, privileges really has a much better effect than spanking.

The supervisor asked L if they pulled the girl, if we could take her today. We said yes. We'll worry about the space issue later, besides, our home development worker said one of our rooms could hold 2 children. They are investigating now, and I will post updates when I receive them.

I'm terrified and nearly in tears all day for the child. Children are such a precious gift from God. How could anyone mistreat them? To top it off, it was her birthday.

So many fears and questions...

Will MIL watch her and baby N in the evenings.
Can we pay nurse to watch her also?
How much is daycare? Do they have openings?
Is the other girl getting pulled too?

This placement, if it happens, will definately be a leap of faith. If God is bringing me this child, He will provide right? So I shouldn't worry about the details?

Back to baby N. Bio mom did her usual changing of his clothes, then handed him off to her boyfriend to feed and hold because "he was too heavy" Almost dropped him again. She was asking where I was.

I have a question for other foster parents. Do I have to go to the visit because biomom wants to talk to me? I thought my responsibility was bringing baby N to the visit. She wants me to come to the next one, but it's my busy time at work then, and we can't both miss work all the time?

I guess I need to ask his worker. Oh yeah, she's quitting in the next couple weeks! Wonderful!

Please pray for the precious little girl. I will refer to her as Princess from now on.

Catching My Breath

What a long weekend. Sorry for the silence. I couldn't write yesterday because our nurse was a no show again and the agency "forgot" to have the decency to call and let us know! We've had baby N 3 weeks and we're averaging 2 days a week with no nurse showing up at our home(with little or no notice).

Anyway, I had baby N packed and ready, but when the nurse didn't show up, it screwed my whole day up, so I called work to tell them I wouldn't be in at all. His bloodwork is done(genetic) and should get results in 4 weeks, then schedule surgery. Baby N is a tough little cookie! He didn't cry from the needle stick.

I registered Saturday. L and So Young stayed at my parents' house, while mom, baby N and I registered and went baby shopping. Had to tube feed baby N in Babies R' US. Used one of their rocking chairs in the middle of the store. The restroom was way too nasty! If fertiles can breastfeed in the middle of the store, I can feed my baby too. Never seen so many pregnant women. Was a little sad thinking I'll probably never be pregnant, but looked at my bundle of joy in my buggie. I was looking for something and needed help but couldn't find noone. I mentioned to my mom maybe I should put a pillow under my shirt to get some help.

I didn't get to shop as much as I wanted because it's exhausting registering with a baby. Mom and my grandma went together on a baby bed for him. Now I feel like I have a real baby.

I had a mini freak out when cell phone rang about 1 this morning and the caller ID said "mom and dad's house" Shaking, I went to my missed calls and called the number, to have some strange guy answer. Don't remember everything that was said, but it turned out the be the wrong number, and his phone number was the same phone number as my parents but different area code. How strange is that?

Another strange thing(perhaps sign from God), we went to mass at my parents' church Sunday morning. Walking out with baby N, this lady tapped me on the shoulder:

Lady: I know this sounds crazy, but I had a dream about a cleft baby last night. I dreamed he was screaming and crying, but now that I see him here, I know he is gonna be ok.

Me: Thanks. Well, actually he is in foster care and we are hoping to adopt him if you could keep us in your prayers....


Turns out this lady is a speech therapists, but hadn't worked with cleft palette babies in a couple years.

Strange weekend....

Please Take Me Baby Shopping....

Ever since I got baby N, I've been desparately needing to go shopping for baby gear. Of course, with a baby, you don't have time to go shopping for baby gear, so I've been screwed. I was REALLY hoping to go tomorrow, but L is backed up cutting yards! Maybe I can sweet talk him into doing them Sunday.

Mom called and a babystore is having a scratch and dent sale on baby furniture. Since I still have no baby bed, I'd really like to go. Also, they have a wedge I can put in the crib for pretty reasonable and baby N will finally be able to sleep more comfortably(and safely) in his own bed. I need to register anyway...badly.

I talked to baby N's nurse on the phone yesterday evening. She tried giving him some pedialite by bottle(how exciting). He took about 1/2 once, but she stopped b/c he was breaking out in a little rash, probably from the dye. I got some clear pedialite today and will probably try again this weekend. The good news: he swallowed some and didn't choke, so we can safely keep working with bottle feeding him! I've been DYING to give him a bottle since we first got him.

Well, gonna try and butter up L for a shopping excursion.....

My Baby Shower

July 22! It's a month away, but happy to have one! Need to register.

L wanted to wait til TPR, but told him we'd get other baby placements, even if baby N went home.

Now I feel like a normal fertile woman. The only thing I'm missing is the pregnancy part. The whole "having a baby with our genes" never seemed to matter to me, but I will miss feeling the baby kick, watching it be born, but with those beautiful smiles baby N gives me(many of you have seen them by email), who cares about morning sickness or labor pains!

Oh yeah, updates from yesterday's visit.

-biomom has a fiancee' and husband(can't afford divorce)
-fiance has a 7 ft python living with them, that eats $10 rats(and probably babies too)
-biomom can't operate feeding tube, even with nurses' help, spilled a lot of the bottle. I asked nurse to show her again next week, to give her the benefit of the doubt. It can be tricky, but only when baby N squirms or tries to pull out the tube, neither happened because nurse was holding him down.

-let her 3 yr old hold him unassisted.

-Bio grandma wants to meet me. Why? I thought these visits were for them and the baby. I have to work. We can't both attend every visit just to socialize!

-bio mom wants to take baby N to the zoo after we leave the hospital with him.

Oh, I had So Young take a picture of me tube feeding baby N. I think it's something he may be interested in when he gets older. I'm glad I did. I want it for his lifebook.

I think baby N will be here to stay. Keep prayers coming please.

It's Official

Our certification cards came in the mail!!

Our homestudy is finally completed and we are now in the system as foster parents!

More Various Updates

I forgot a few things yesterday(of course) so here goes...

1. Out of the mouth of baby N's plastic surgeon...

Doctor: (looking at L and me): So, are ya'll adopting him (baby N)?

L, Me and Bio Mom: Stare at doctor wide eyed in shock...

Me: Umm, Uh, he's in foster care...he's in our care now, I'm not sure what's going to happen.

You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed that statement.

Of course, this doctor also believes if genetics says he won't live past 2 or 3(which is unlikely), there's no point in operating.

Will I change doctors? Probably not. The fact is..he can get the job done.

2. Baby N's former geneticist, on the phone with L..

L: Plastic surgeon needs the results of your testing. He needs to know whether he has any conditions that will seriously shorten his life.

Brainy doctor: Well, I can't tell him that now, and can't put that in my report. I need to do a more extensive chromosome 15 test. It should take about 4 weeks to get the results.

F*cking bastard!!! You know damn well the first series of genetic testing ruled out the obvious disorders that were life threatening! Are you just gonna milk the f*cking state healthcare system until you examine every freaking gene in his body? I guess he'll have surgery after he's dead then!!!

Excuse the language, but I get angry when someone's screwing with my kid.

4 weeks for genetics results.
plastic surgeon is backed up 4-6 weeks.

We're looking at another 2 1/2 damn months before he has his first surgery, which should have been done at 3 months!!

Damn them greedy doctors.

Hopefully the geneticist(new one) on the cleft team will review his notes and approve him for surgery. I can't believe the delays!

3. The wedding...

Do you really want to hear about it?

Pregnant bridesmaid(I bought my dress bigger because I was supposed to be pg by the wedding. I had the privilege of helping her buckle her shoes. The girl was a good friend from college who is still very nice though.

Arrived at church 4:30, wedding started at 7:30.

Reception: bad food, no alcohol, we toasted with some nasty sparkling punch. Not even a cash bar. I'm no alcoholic, but like to drink socially.

I arrived at the reception starving and the caterers placed 2 meatballs and 2 chicken wings on my plate.

Ceremony was nice. Pregnant bridesmaid was getting dizzy standing up so I had to escort her to the pew.

I'm glad it's over!

Stepping Aside...(Now updated)

Was suprisingly easier than I expected. I'll write as much as I can now, and try to finish on my lunch break today. I need to take a little time, because some of this post may become evidence in court. Here's a quick summary:

1. 6 1/2 hours at children's hospital in New Orleans. 12 hours from when we left the house, until we got home.

We arrived at noon and left at 6:15!! The 1:30 appointment didn't happen til after 2! For the cleft team appointments, it was scheduled at 2:30, we were taken to a room about 4, and saw the last of the 6 doctors/specialists at 6 pm!

2. 6 1/2 hours, L and I alone with bio mom. Social worker could not make it, but bio mom did.

Trusty OCS will always make sure mom has transportation to the doctor visits, however, us foster parents must provide our own! If you cannot get her own ride to the appointments, can she really properly care for him?

3. 4 surgeries, 3 major, one very minor.
1. cleft lip repair
2. cleft palette repair
3. hypospadia(sp?)--sorry everyone, you'll have to google it. I don't discuss baby N's privates here, mine maybe, but not his. It's urology related.
4. Tubes in ears


4. 7 doctors/specialists seen yesterday, 2 others we need to see or get reports from before surgery.
1. plastic surgeon
2. speech therapist
3. Audiologist
4. Ear, Nose, and Throat
5. Geneticist
6. Dentist
7. Urologist

The plastic surgeon is waiting for reports for his prior geneticist and cardiologist(for heart murmur). Surgeon will not operate if geneticist determines he has a genetic defect that will kill him in a couple of years, although this has been ruled out by his prior geneticist.

5. One very cranky baby, his mom and lots of baby equipment to lug around.

Can I blame baby N? Of course not, I was cranky too after that long day.

The bio mom, all I can say for now, is that we respected each other, and we let her be mommy and involved for the doctor visits. Social worker says not to be surprised if she accuses us of saying something we didn't.

6. 3-4 times circling St. Charles Ave. in New Orleans until we found the alley the hospital was on.
The street sign was only on one side of the road. The city is still fairly deserted..Oh wait, they were all at children's hospital!

7. 10,000 parenting tips from bio mom.

Baby oil for cradle cap
Bibs for drooling
He needs a pacifier
Baby N likes...
His sisters are like him because...
Do you have ___ at your house? I can bring it for you.

8. 100 reasons why social services took her boy and it wasn't her fault.

Lies, it's all lies they told about me!

Will finish updating later. Before you all freak out, bio mom behaved fairly well yesterday and seems to like us much more than the other foster mom.

Coming up, a placement call we almost received and whether or not we should pursue it?

I guess you all want to hear about the placement call? I teased you a little. We didn't get the call, baby N's former foster mom did, and refered our social worker to call us. She said she thought about it, knew we'd say yes, and didn't want us to be overwhelmed with baby N. She was placed with a family though. The placement:

A premie baby girl, straight out of the hospital!

At least now I know my chances are good of getting one from the hospital. I think that was God's way of telling us to wait.

We hope to have the first surgery scheduled in 4-6 weeks assuming the plastic surgeon gets the reports from the other doctors he needed.

Baby N's birth weight--4 lbs 9 oz
Baby N's weight now(7 mos) -- 18 lbs 8 oz

A big boy huh?

What next? I have something special I'd like to share, so if I've known you a while(on my blogroll or comment/email me often), send me an email...

I finally caught a picture of my baby N smiling!!! And with the cleft, it's a more adorable smile than a normal baby. You have to email me. I'm not smart enough to find most of your email addresses on your blogs.

Now, enough about me, time to caught up on my reading and commenting so ya'll don't think I desserted you.

Sorry to leave you hanging, but love the response I got from it. I had about 10 minutes to post, so I did a summary so I wouldn't forget anything, so I could fill ya'll in later.

Home Improvement

Remember that TV show Home Improvement. They had this neighbor, Wilson, where they never showed his face. Well, his is another "Wilson" picture of baby N. Email me if I know you well, I will share better photos.





Mommy and baby N. Seven months old in my first LSU outfit.

Bad News

I tried to keep this blog happy today, but just received the following news:

Biomom is coming to baby N's 2 doctor's appointments Monday afternoon.

It's a 2 hour drive to New Orleans (she's riding with social worker though). As soon as we arrive at the hospital, he's her baby. We are gonna have to sit and look pretty, keep our mouths shut, and watch someone else be mommy for a few hours while attending his doctor visits.

I will not be able to comfort him with all the strangers. Our job is to ask questions and take notes.

Oh, social worker calls L at 10:30 because she wanted a visit with him at 11 today! Then she talked about re-scheduling next week, but L said she could visit with him at the doctor's office.

5 people will be attending the consult, bio mom, social worker, nurse, L and Me! They better pull out a lot of chairs.

Wish me luck.

Good Things

I know I've had a rough past couple weeks, but I'm about to tell you about all the hidden little blessings since baby N came to live with us. Lots of baby talk coming up, so if you're feeling crappy today, visit back in a few days:


1. I love doing laundry. I am now pleasantly surprised to find baby clothes mixed in our laundry. Every time I take his clothes out the dryer, I fold them and smile. I have a baby living with me!

2. I had baby N settling down for bed the other night around 9pm. He could have just dozed off to sleep quickly, but I just HAD to pick him up and give him snuggles. Of course, I'm rewarded with that huge smile from him.

3. Giving him kisses before I leave for work(and the big smiles in return).

4. Getting snuggles from him when I get home from work.

5. Making an ass of myself baby talking to get one of those precious smiles.

6. Picking him up when he cries and his head instantly lays on my shoulder.

7. There is formula in my fridge.

8. There are diapers, baby wipes, clothes and toys everywhere, and I haven't even got all the stuff I need yet.


How could his mom have had something more important to do than spending an hour snuggling with my precious baby N?

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

Nursing agency calls at 6am this morning informing us that our nurse will not be here at 7am this morning!

I couldn't miss work because I'm behind playing receptionist the last two days.

Baby N is staying with MIL today...

This is the 3rd day in 2 weeks we had no nurse show up. If the state wants him to have a nurse, they need to find a reliable agency. If no nurse is going to show up anyway, why not just let us hire a full time sitter?

Very frustrating.

Today is our 3 year Anniversary.

I'm sure I am a terrible mother today, because we had to call MIL to watch baby N. I have a job! How irresponsible can I be??

Visit Cancelled

Biomom had to cancel the visit tomorrow! She asked social worker to re-schedule it. L agreed to re-schedule Thursday morning. We didn't have to, but I guess that was the right thing to do.

Does that count as "missing a visit" for biomom?

Updated:

Social worker called bio mom to tell her the visit was rescheduled for Thursday morning and she said she couldn't make that one either, and hung up!

That's 2 cancelled visits in one week!

She has some issues going on that social worker cannot disclose, but here are L and my best guesses:

1. She's pregnant again

or 2. She's about to give him up.

Please keep baby N in your prayers!

Family Visit

Tomorrow.

One of the 2 hours a month that I am not baby N's mommy.

On tomorrow's agenda, nurse C, will attempt to teach bio mom to feed baby N via feeding tube. I informed her of this before I left this morning, and I was nearly laughing my ass of at her comment(although, I guess it's not funny):

Lisa: Nurse C, what time do you feed baby N in the morning.

Nurse C: between 7:30-7:45, why?

Lisa: Do you think he could make it until 8:00 tomorrow? OCS says bio mom needs to learn how to feed him tomorrow?

Nurse C: From what I heard, she needs to learn how to hold him first!

Lisa: True, but they said it's time for you to show her how to feed him, but if she's late, feed him. Don't make him wait on her.

Nurse C: Of course not!

I forgot about foster mom saying how many times bio mom nearly dropped him. I guess I'll pack two bottles tomorrow morning in case we lose one in the feeding lesson.

L is not thrilled about going. I reminded him how I'd love to take him to every visit when he decides to let me be a stay at home mom.

No comment on that one. I guess he'll have a blast tomorrow morning. Wish us luck.

Huh???

MIL: (to L): Do you need me to go to your house this afternoon?(to watch baby N)

L: NO! We hired someone else!

What nerve!!!

My MIL and I generally get along pretty well, not real mushy close, but we get along.


Update on Work.

I fill in for the receptionist at lunch and she calls in telling me she's throwing up. She mentioned trying to come in so I could take lunch. I told her don't bother, I don't need to catch that. All I need is to bring the stomach bug home to baby N! It is VERY DANGEROUS for him to be throwing up!!

Please pray I didn't expose myself to the bug while I was doing a job I shouldn't have been doing in the first place! It's also my busy week, so I guess I'm gonna be behind again!

Tummy Time

Baby N playing with some new toys from Nanna and a cool blanky from L's aunt.

By the way, L's aunt sent a convertible carseat(a nice one, and clean), another bouncy seat and that blanket he is playing on. She hurt her hip, but when she is able to go home, she will send some more stuff that her son is finished using.

She is like my big sister who trully understands me. She went through infertility struggles(a lap, and 5 IUI's) to get pg and said she can't go through it again. Thanks to my blog friends suffering secondary infertility, I didn't say anything stupid like "at least you have one kid." I just told her I understand that it still sucks that you are not able to have another.

She lives in Houston, and hooked me up with Dr. Houston, who finally discovered endo was causing my cycle problems. I pray she "turns up pregnant" again and I have to send all the stuff back, because she so deserves it. She has been the only non-internet person I could call and she would always know what to say, and even point me in the right direction medically.

She's so happy about baby N. I love baby N so much. So worth the sleep deprivation!

Cute Baby N Stuff

As requested by Jo, since I've been rather boring lately, here are some facts about baby N:

-I got my first hug from him Monday afternoon after I picked him up at my MIL's house. He put his two little arms around my neck and head on my shoulder.

-He has such a cute look of relief on his face when I'm filling his stomach with food via the feeding tube.

-His smile is absolutely adorable. Because of the cleft, his mouth opens really big and funny looking when his smiles. It is so cute.

-He likes to cuddle and be held close.

-He likes to watch TV. I had him in his bouncy seat in front of our bed and L said his eyes were wide open watching TV!

-He expects to be the center of attention 24/7. How dare I try to print some pictures or blog while he's awake! Of course, I am rewarded with cuddles.

Some other updates/concerns about baby N.

-Social worker called his mom and informed her of baby N's appointment in New Orleans. His mom asks why she's bothering if they are staffing for termination. Social worker suggests she sign away rights and save them the trouble. She smirks something along the line of "Well, I might as well." We could only dream...

-Bio mom wants to take baby N to the zoo. Remember he is 7 months, not 3 years old!

-Bio mom may get to stay with him while he's in the hospital. I don't know if that means we cannot stay, or we have to share him. Social worker is still not sure, because she has already been told by his other doctor's not to come without the social worker there. She has caused many scenes.

-I am concerned about baby N's hearing. He's not responding well to noises. He has to get tubes. Could this be part of the problem since this hasn't been done yet?

-Social worker is highly impressed and told L, "You sure know how to get things done." She was waiting on court orders to transfer baby N's medicine records, but L found a way to get them transfered.

That's all I can think of for now. If you want pictures, and I know you, send me an email, but if anyone asks, you are my out-of-state friends, not internet friends. Give me a few days to respond since baby N may not let me get on the internet everyday, but I can do some emailing from work.

Another Year older

27 today. I was hoping to be pregnant by then. Oh well.

Have I made anyone mad the last couple days? I haven't gotten comments, even on my picture I posted. I guess everyone is just having as busy a week as I am.

I hope everyone is doing well.

For my birthday, I told L I wanted a baby bed for baby N.

Tagged

I've been tagged by Tamara and Julie. This one is kinda cute.

. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your father's side, your favorite candy): Francis Reeses
2. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name followed by izzle", first two or three letters of your last name follwowed by "dizzle"): Lizzle Hodizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal): blue Kitty
4. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your name- last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name repeated twice): Lislot Bud Bud
5. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile you drive): The Blue Accord
Tagging- Anyone who wants to participate. This one is easy, and kinda fun.

Thank You Nanna!

Nanna,

Thank you for giving mommy my exersaucer for her Birthday. I love to play in it and watch TV.

Love,

Baby N

I found another picture of him where you can't really see his face, but check out those chubby little cheeks!

Can't Take Anymore

Work is seriously stressing me. I have a million things to do, get interupted all the time to do someone else's job and am still expected to have my work done!

Still begging L to let me give my notice. L is talking about leaving a few days to do a job for someone (skip my birthday, I guess), and I am NOT looking forward to having to take care of the house, work, baby N, and So Young by myself!

Sleep Rocks!!

8 hours last night!!

I feel like a new woman. I love baby N's nurse. That means she must have played and interacted with him instead of letting him sleep all day. I had him out by 9:30 and woke him around 7 to dress and change him.

The cold is getting better, but L still feels shitty. Only one coughing spell woke me last night. Baby N got medicine from his doctor too.

Yesterday, L wanted me to leave baby N with his mom, go home and shower and we'd go back to his mom's for dinner and pick up him. I said I miss him too much, so I picked him up on the way home.

I unloaded all his luggage into the house, picked him up to bring him to his exersauser, and he put both his arms around my neck and head on my shoulder. I got a welcome home hug! It was nearly impossible to put him down cause I just wanted to cuddle him so much.

It's all so worth it. All the trouble and pain was worth it.

Oh yeah, how could I forget? I was unloading my digital camera and found a couple more "safe" pics of baby N. I will try to post them soon.

If any of you are good with digital cameras and stuff, I have a very important question. I cannot get many good pictures of baby N because by the time my digital camera snaps the picture, he has moved and all I get is a blurry photo. Any idea how to fix this? Any special digital cameras(that aren't too pricey) designed to fix this problem? Am I gonna have to break out the 35 mm to get some decent pictures of baby N?

I'm in Love

It was a rough, yet exciting weekend. All 3 of us were sick, so we are all seriously lacking in sleep.

You know you're in love when your sleep time is cut in half, you're sick, exhausted, but praise God when the baby is screaming in the middle of the night. I'm tired, for sure, but when I pick up baby N and his little head cuddles right on my shoulder, I could hold him all night like that. Sleepless nights for baby N is cuddle time for mommy.

Oh Yeah, quick update on the shower...it sucked. The bachelorette party, it sucked. I only stayed an hour because my fever was back Saturday. The bride and I have kinda gone our separate ways and don' t really have the same interests anymore. She barely acknowledged baby N, or maybe I was being defensive. The shower guests ooed and awwed over my mom's yorkie, but didn't even notice baby N. Not that he should have been the center of attention, but apparantly the bride's friends like dogs more than babies. Enough about that. It's over. I'm ready for the wedding to be over.

I LOVE my exersaucer!! It's a lifesaver. I put baby N in there and can actually get other things done. He loves to watch TV in it.

I also received an unusual money gift this weekend. My mom was discussing their house getting robbed with one of our former school teachers, and she gave my sister and I each $100, to replace any of our stuff that may have gotten taken. I will be using it for baby N for sure.

I got a bouncy seat baby N slept in pretty good last night. Hopefully, he will sleep good in there until we can find a better sleeping arrangement.

Baby N's nurse showed up today, and on time. I like nurse C. Very nice. I was getting ready to feed him and she took him and said she'd take care of it. I showed her around, kissed him goodbye, and went off to work.

I HATED leaving him. Almost teary eyed on the way to work. I'm still begging L to let me stay home with him, basically promising to give up whatever I have to to stay home. The most likely thing that will happen is that he will be a stay at home dad. I want to be the one home with him, but it doesn't matter as long as one of his parents are home.

I'll update more later. I know this is a poorly written post, but I'm barely awake now. Have a good week everyone!

It's Official!

L went and picked up baby N this morning, along with all his baggage. It was a sad goodbye for foster mom and her daughter. I feel bad for them, but she's adopted her 8 children already. They offered to babysit. I accept! We will definately keep in contact.

Wow! Our own little bundle of joy and bundle of responsibility! It's sometimes weird raising someone else's baby. It's like I worry extra more. If something happens, I have to tell his mom, then there's the possibility of being investigated. I'm even having So Young "babysit" the nurse to make sure she doesn't mistreat baby N or nap all day. It's sad, but you just can't trust people until they can prove themselves trustworthy.

I went to the doctor this morning. After coughing so much I was gagging and throwing up, I called to see if she had an opening. Lucky me, the receptionist told me to come right over. Got some good meds L is picking up for me, so hopefully we will both feel better soon. With a cold that hasn't gotten better in almost a week, I wanted to make sure it wasn't bronchitis.

Baby N is feeling bad too. He went to the doctor and he said it was just a cold, and thank goodness it's not pnemonia. He just came off of antibiotics a couple weeks ago, so poor thing will have to suffer it out.

I can't believe it! My first placement! I hope I get to keep him!

Dragging. . .

Well, I was coughing so much last night, the bottoms of my ribs hurt so much from coughing. L seems to have caught this nasty thing too. Baby N also has a cold.

I should have stayed home from work. I feel like crap. My coming in today will probably only result in me having to cover for someone else who decides to play sick today. If I didn't have all these things coming up for baby N soon, I would have stayed in bed. I need the time off for other things, so I drag my butt in again today and try to survive the day.

I will try to stay cooped up in my office as much possible. I have to block as much smoke as possible.

L and I will survive, but I hope baby N gets better soon. The good news: when social worker gets out of court today, I have to leave work to sign papers. I hope court goes quickly!

Sick

I have a really bad cold, cough, and fever. Been feeling yuck the last couple days, but dragged my ass to work anyway.

I now worry about baby N coming tomorrow. How do I keep him from getting sick?

Less than 4 hours to go, then I get to go home and sleep.

The smoke is absolutely KILLING ME!! Why does my office allow smoking indoors? Why do all my co-workers light cigarettes one after another, all day long, especially when they can obviously hear me hacking up a lung?

I've been working here over a year. I have never tried cigarettes, yet I have to suffer. The smoke smell is in my clothes so bad, that I smell it after my clothes are washed. I have sniffles and cough just about everyday. I stink. My clothes stink. My office stinks (thank God I can close my door).

Is it too much to ask for fresh indoor air at the office? I guess since it's a private company, whatever the owner says, goes. Hope I don't get lung cancer.

It is the smoke that has made me seriously consider quitting for the sake of my health. I'm tired of being sick all the time.

Baby Book

Tomorrow is the day! I can't believe it! After all the red tape, he is ours tomorrow! We sign papers tomorrow saying that we're responsible for him and all that good stuff. Now we just love him as much as we can and pray to keep him.

I started this blog to serve as a baby book. Since conceiving didn't come easily to me, I wanted to document my journey to become a mommy. Most baby books start when the baby is born, but thanks to blogging, mine will start from the time my baby was wanted. I want my baby to know he was loved long before I met him.

I think I will start writing letters to baby N soon. I had intended to do that with the start of my blog, but I couldn't get past the pain to write. I want to document all his milestones, all the crap I went through to get him, and how many people loved and cared for him so much in his first months of life, his mommy, foster mommy, social worker, and us.

I'm not sure I want to turn this into a parenting blog, because I do not yet feel like I have crossed over to the other side. I still long to get pregnant, although the pain has eased tremendously. I still fear losing baby N. The best thing to do is step up and be his mommy. I'm just gonna love him to pieces and pray he will be my forever son.