Small Update on Baby N.

L called the social worker yesterday. Her supervisor doesn't have a problem with our plan.

She is busy though, so we will have to wait until Monday to start getting things rolling.

No news on the house.

L did mention going shopping for baby stuff in the next couple weeks.

Do I really get to go shopping for baby stuff and actually have hope of bringing a baby home??

Patience Is A Virtue. . .

THAT I DO NOT HAVE!!!


The lady with the house still has not returned L's calls so we can look on it.

Baby N's social worker still hasn't called(although I know she's busy) with an answer from her supervisor.

Each day delayed, is another day I miss bonding with what may be my future child.

I wish things would move along already!

Baby

Here's the story again so you won't have to go back into my achives:

December of last year, L's friend was asked to foster a 3 week old baby boy. He didn't want a baby but gave the social worker our name, and we were going to try to have them take the baby a couple weeks, while we got temporary certification until we finished MAPP. Well, they couldn't do it that way, but it did get us on the road to adoption with the state. We will call him baby N, since I now know his name.

L's friend spoke with his social worker and the state is already pushing for TPR(termination of parental rights). Baby N is in a foster home, but they are not able to adopt, only foster. Since he is going to be free for adoption, they are looking for an adoptive resource home.

Of course all good news comes with its share of problems. Baby N has a cleft lip and palette(which isn't too bad), a heart murmur (which is improving), a feeding tube(until the cleft palette is repaired), and he may have some mental retardation. He will need 5 operations in the next year to repair the cleft lip and palatte, but after that he should be healthy.

I rattled off his list of problems to L and said maybe we should keep waiting. Later in the afternoon L calls back and says the social worker told us we could have baby N come visit us for the weekend before we commit. Since he is only 5 months old, I figure it can't hurt him emotionally if we decide we can't meet his needs.

So that is our plan. We are going to try and keep baby N for a weekend and experience first hand how he needs to be cared for and if we can realisticly care for him. L is thinking he is probably not as bad as they make him sound because they usually give you all the bad stuff up front. He's also had friends adopt from the state and they told them the kids would be mentally impaired but turned out fine.

I think of it this way, had we taken baby N at 3 weeks and were later made aware of all these problems, we wouldn't have sent him back. I am praying about it and I am going to approach the visit (if it happens) as babysitting and go from there.

Is it only a coincidence that baby N has come back in the picture? Unless the foster parent wanted to keep it, or they had an adoptive mom who could stay home, I don't think a weekend visit will hurt?

What do you think?

Oh, about the house, L called and they were busy yesterday so we have to call back today. I hope they aren't giving us the run around.

A New House Maybe

L found a house! It's not technically on the market yet but he has been talking to the owners and have worked out a good price, assuming I like it after I see it. They should be moving in the next month and will want to hurry and leave. If the oral offer on our house we got a few weeks ago is still good, we should will be able to get it easily.

It is 4 bedroom, 4 bath and on the bayou. That will be one bedroom for us, one for So Young, one for Jack and Jill when we babysit, and one for a foster child (2-3 bedrooms for foster children after So Young goes home).

We also found a good deal on a boat! It looks like God is providing the nest, so maybe he will fill it with children(and at least one baby too).

I haven't seen the inside of the house, but it's fairly new, the location is great and I like the size. Please pray that this works out. We are really going to need the space.

I spoke to my parents about Jack and Jill and that we'd be watching the kids more often and I got a funny face and "they need to take responsibility for their own kids." She's right, but they're not (there physical needs are met, but don't get the quality attention kids deserve).

Does that mean because Jack and Jill's parents are doing the wrong thing, I should also do the wrong thing and say "to hell with the kids." I DON'T THINK SO. My mom is a good person, so I know she didn't mean it the way she said it. I explained a little more and she understands.

We must put the kids first, even though they are not our kids, but I will be answering to God if I leave those kids to be pushed aside just because "they are not my responsibility." Legally, they are not, morally they are. Why? Because I see the need and have the ability to help, even if only giving the parents relief through extra babysitting so they can get things straight.

So far, no new news on Jack and Jill. We weren't asked to babysit this weekend or to keep them again. Hopefully they are working things out and the dad will stay away from girls for a while and focus on his kids. He's a good person and works hard. He just has to work a lot of hours to provide for the kids.

Please keep my babies in your prayers, that they will be provided with all the love and attention they deserve!

Unanswered Prayers

Sunday evening, for our Life Teen program at church, we presented the topic of unanswered prayers (my idea, since I'm experienced in the topic). Anyway, one of the other groups presented the topic and I have to say, you learn a lot from teaching.

One of the speakers talked about praying about something, but not really getting a clear answer from God. What he said was that God slammed some doors in his face in pointing him in the right direction, then opened new doors.

One reason I feel more at ease about my husband cancelled IUI is that maybe God closed that door. I don't know if he closed it because He is keeping me from doing something morally wrong (against my church's teachings, but I have done them anyway), or because he has something better in mind (adoption). Did He use L to steer me away from doing an IUI so that I have to let Him work His miracle without interfering.

The problem is, I just don't know. I may never know. L said we could try a cycle again next month, but after cancelling this one (before it started), I find myself questioning whether I really want to do this again. I don't know if it's because I feel morally "bad" about it, or because I'm afraid of setting up the cycle and L not being ready and having to cancel again.

Monday afternoon, when we returned home from Dr. New Orleans, I called the office in tears cancelling the cycle. It was really hard, because I wanted it really badly. They had even given us a follistim pen and a sample cartridge. I made L send it back (even though the office asked us to when we cancelled). If he wasn't ready to use it, someone else could.

We are now on hold, indefinately. I am working on him with IVF, since he now realizes how expensive the meds are to just do an IUI.

I understand God may be giving me another lesson in patience, but don't children test your patience too?

Not on the Same Page

We went back to the RE today and still no period since Dec 1. He does a bunch of bloodwork and ultrasound and says I'm not ready to start IUI with clomid and injectibles, but thinks he can jump start me with straight injectibles, so I leave with follistim pen and cartridge and a calender for an IUI cycle. Great, until I get in the car.

L was not ready to start a full injectible cycle without me having a period first. He griped about the prices and how the he waited over an hour in the dr's office and rushed us out in 2 minutes! We had words, but agreed to cancel the cycle before it started (because we both need to be on board). I call the dr in Houston to see if I can take prometrium to get my period started and the nurses said yes.

I am feeling much better than I was earlier, and at least have L considering IVF. Now that he found out the costs of injectible IUI cycle, I may have him convinced to save a little longer and go for IVF.

On the adoption front, the good news is I finished my last MAPP class. The bad news is that our home development worker is booked and doesn't think she will get to finish our homestudy until May! I think we might still be contacted, but only if they get desperate since they are not fully certified. L's friend's social worker says their are babies in foster care waiting to go to adoptive resource homes. I don't want to miss out.

It has NOT been a good day!

Glad to be an American

Ok, getting a feeling of what birthparent contact will be like through my exchange student. I'm gonna start just calling her S, even though I used her name before.

S's father asked me to remind her to email him every Friday and call every Saturday evening. S made her afternoon phone call and got off the phone very upset. Her father is once again, trying to interfere with our household here. When he signed her up for the program, he signed a release basically giving responsibility and guardianship to the agency. They ARE NOT allow to interfere with how host families run their households. He told her the following things that kinda pissed me off.

1. I sent you here to learn English, so I want you to do an afterschool program so you can speak more English.

2. I don't like you coming home in the evenings after school and doing nothing. (Um, hello, she's doing homework and experiencing American Culture).

3. I didn't send you over here to play, which poor S is in tears telling me that.

Ok, first of all, like I told her, she is not playing, she is going to school. I told her she was doing very well in school(except biology, but that's a tough class) and that her English is getting really good.

I told S that we are her parents while she is here, and although, I'd like her to attend family functions (church, etc), go to school, keep her grades up, but after that's all done, she can do what SHE wants to do with her free time.

I am not forcing her to join an afterschool activity because the only thing after school is sports and band. She is not good in sports and does not play an instrument. I am not subjecting her to joining a sport team that she is not good at only to get teased.

I told her to tell her father that I'm only allowing her one hour a week on the internet and one phone call every other Saturday and she could blame me (because technically they are only supposed to call home once a month to prevent this problem). She seemed a little relieved. I told her again that she was doing very well and didn't have to do anything she didn't want to.

I hope things start working out better. Thanks for letting me vent and actually reading it.

The Baby Aisle

Well, went browsing around the baby aisle in Walmart.

Ok, I actually needed something. I needed to get toddler car seats for Jack and Jill for when they come stay with us.

We found ourselves looking at baby car seats and baby beds, so I could give L an idea about what kind of car seat to get depending on what size the baby is. He was pretty confused. That's Ok.

I actually had a good time. Strange huh?

Don't be Disappointed If. . .

That seems to have been my life for the last two years.

Don't be disappointed if the first IUI doesn't work. It could take 5-6 times.

"Be patient, it will happen eventually," says my dear mother.

"Be Careful with foster children", says MIL, "cause they could have problems."
So could my biological kids. What you wouldn't love them anyway?

Be careful not to get to attached to your baby they place with you, it may go home. Yes. It might. But let's be realistic. I'm GOING to get attached and set myself up for disappointment. It's a risk, but I risk I'm taking and hoping works out.

I like the reaction from my exchange student when I said, "If we're lucky, we may get a baby" From her I get a bright smile and "cool" Isn't she sweet.

So, next time someone has come to terms with a difficult decision, just smile and be happy for them. Don't bother with the assvice.

Sorry, I'm boring this week. Next week should get more exciting when I get to start poking myself with needles(hopefully). To make shot giving more interesting, I have a weak stomach and faint sometimes.

So, let's take a poll. How many times will I get a weak stomach and faint during treatment before I get pregnant?

If I actually get pregnant, I think I will be constantly passed out during labor from nervousness. Maybe that's why God is leading me to adoption.

Waiting

Saturday is our last MAPP class and I think they're going to have a panel with some foster parents and adoption people. I think I will learn a lot. We turn in the rest of our paperwork Saturday, then 1 or 2 more visits from the Home Development worker.

Then we wait. . .

Then I start worrying. . .

Is our correct telephone number in the computer(we changed it, but gave them the new one)?

What if I get a placement during my busy time at work and I don't get time to bond?

How can I be creative about asking for leave to bond with the new baby, since it's not legally required until the adoption is finalized?

How long will the wait be?

What if I take siblings, then get pregnant with twins, or even triplets(hoping to hit the jackpot huh)?

How can I arrange for one of us to be a stay at home parent?

Monday, hopefully, I can start cycling. I hope I can give myself shots. L can do it, but I'm terrified of him coming near me with a needle cause he picks on me so much.

Just waiting on the phone to ring. . .

Back to Dr. New Orleans

Well, less than a week and back to the RE.

Maybe he can get my periods going again.

I haven't had one since Dec 1!

I hope lupron didn't put me into menopause for good.

So, how long will the wait be?

This is what the youth minister at church asked me yesterday. How do I answer that? To say "hopefully soon" is rather selfish, because I hope no baby or kid ever has to go into foster care again. Of course I know this is not a reality. I told him there was no way of knowing, but hopefully for the kids' sake, none of them will have to be taken from their parents.

I am not hoping some drughead will get her baby taken away. I am hoping that if a baby is taken into care, that I will get the opportunity to adopt it. Our home development worker informed us that most of these women have babies to get welfare checks, so when the state takes them, they lose their money, so they get pregnant again. It is very sad.

Why can't those women be infertile? It's not fair! Our home development worker said that we were now in the system but to check with her before accepting any placements since we are not yet certified. She said the case workers will get desperate and probably call before were certified.

One more class to go. One or two more visits, then waiting on the phone call. . .

Survived Meeting

Well, we didn't get into any children talk during the meeting. That's the good news. The bad news. I'm speaking again Sunday. It should be a short talk, but I'm just not ready for it and can't get into it like the last two. Please pray for me that I can come up with the right words.

I told everyone in our small group that we were adopting. L is private and wasn't crazy about the idea, but the community has to know. I mean, I can't just show up with a baby out of the blue. Besides, I need prayers. I'm taking a leap of faith doing this and hoping to end up with a baby.

Still battling the cold and fever off and on. It's closing time at work, so just gotta suck it up.

Two more MAPP classes to go!

Seeing Dr. New Orleans in less than two weeks and then I should start cycling. Wow! It's been a long time.

One Step Closer

Well, finished the first homestudy visit! What a relief! The only thing we have to buy to be in compliance is a carbon monoxide detecter.

I stayed home all day yesterday with a fever(which I probably caught at the doctor's office getting my physical). The visit took about 3 hours, mostly because L talks a lot. So Young's sore throat was worse yesterday and she couldn't talk when she woke up. She was able to talk by afternoon, which was good since she was going on a trip this weekend with her agency.

Anyway our home development worker mostly wanted to know what type of child we wanted (age sex etc) and what our motivation was. She also told us not to settle because it may cause us to resent the kid if we got an older kid and wanted a baby. She said our chances were better if we took two. I didn't think we had the room for two, but she said they could share a room temporarily until So Young leaves.

Also, she said no more exchange students after she leaves. They made an exception, but after she leaves, we can't have another until we adopted all the kids we want.

Anyway, I feel like I'm getting somewhere now. I will probably attend the meeting tonight since I'm in better spirits today.

Evening of Torture Approaching

Do you think you could handle this scenerio?

Thursday night I have a group meeting for lifeteen. The youth pastor in our group just had his 2nd baby less than two weeks ago.

I know there's gonna be the usual "congrats" and "oh how cute and sweet the baby is."

This will most likely be followed by how "cute and sweet" everyone else's children are, and maybe a little parenting advice and laughing at his lack of sleep.

And the scariest part. . .What if he decides to hold the meeting at his house?? That would be torture!! I love holding and cuddling babies as much as anyone else, but feeling on the fragile side the last couple weeks as I have people deciding whether or not I will be a suitable parent.

I feel a breakdown coming on Thursday evening. Should I skip?

Help me!!!

My apologies

I am going to slack off the pregnancy announcements, so please don't stop reading.

I am sorry.

I am still under the false hope that if I talk about pg people and hang out with pg people I will catch it. Stupid right?

I will keep my congrats to their blogs from now on, but know that I am extremely happy for any of my infertile blogfriends that get pregnant, but I will try to spare the pain of pg announcements to everyone else.

My little cousin bought Abbey from me and she LOVES her. Glad she got a good home. It's nice having the extra time in the morning. I was even able to make breakfast!

Fosterparents Feelings Do not matter

Guess what I learned at MAPP yesterday? Guess what our lovely home development worker, who we'll call M (and who is doing our homestudy) said:

M: I am SO SICK of hearing people say they don't want to foster because they are afraid of the child going back to the parents! That is so selfish. I am not worried about your loss because ya'll have ways to cope and the children do not.

Ok, I see her point about not wanting to hurt the children, but why do you have to be so DAMN HARSH! We have been through pain too! Lots of pain!

How many negative peesticks have we wept over?

How many times were we in tears near the end of an IUI/IVF cycle and AF shows?

I had dye shot up my uterus while trying to turn and pose for the camera.

I went out of state and had an operation to try to be a mommy. I woke up nauseted, and had to drink almost a gallon of water so I could give them a bucket of pee so they would let me go home.

I have to pee so bad on the way back to L's aunt's house that we had to stop 3 times in the 20 minute drive and I was in pain from having to go so bad.

Menopause at age 26.

Three months later, still in menopause.


It's ok though, because I should be able to take a kid that may be returned to his drug head parents, because my life is just perfect and it doesn't matter if I get my heart broken.


Ok, I'm done ranting. I am prepared for losing a child, but did you have to be so INSENSITIVE about it!

Grandparents

L was pretty sick last night, so his parents came to check on them. I showed my MIL my scrapbook and she read the label Maw-maw and Paw-paw next to her picture:

MIL: Maw-Maw and paw-paw? Is that what they are going to call us?

Me: I guess, is that what you want to be called?

MIL: I was thinking Me-me or Nana. . .

Me: Ok, I can change the label, which do you want to be called?

MIL: Me-me.

Me: Ok, how's that spelled Me-me or Mi-mi? (I call my mother for her opinion on spelling). . .Mom, how do you spell Me-me?

Mom: Me-me. . .why?

Me: L's mom wants her grandchildren to call her Me-me. I put Maw-maw and Paw-Paw for your and daddy's picture.

Mom: Oh, I kinda wanted to be called Nana?

Me: Nana?? I kinda figured you'd use Maw maw and paw-paw like everyone else in South Louisiana. Ok, I'll change your label too.

Me: (to MIL & FIL) What does Mr. L want to be called?

FIL: Grandpa!!

I guess I should have called and asked everyone what they wanted to be called.

Jeanne, do you have any objections to being called "Aunt Jeanne?"

Oh boy!

Mommy?? (No, I'm not pg)

I finished my scrapbook(except for a few finishing touches) last night with the help of my creative exchange student. She helped me do a couple of pages, but she really helped me with the captions. I told her what to write, and she would come up with a pretty little sign and arrows pointing to the pictures. It was a fun project to work on together, and I think she is excited about the possibility of having a host brother or sister, especially if it's a baby.

While labeling the pictures, for our parents, I put Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw, and Aunt for my sister. What do we call ourselves? When labeling the car's, I put "Lisa's car." Do a dare put "Mommy and Daddy" on a caption on the first page of our book with L and my picture? I can't seem to make myself write "mommy and daddy" in the catpion. I don't know if it's because I feel it would be disrespecting their "birthparents" or if it would be too painful to write "mommy" next to my picture since I am not one. What do you think? I guess I could ask them Saturday.

So Young and I had our physicals yesterday. They were doing my TB test yesterday and moving that needle all around in my arm, ouch! When I was checking out I felt faint(I faint easily when I'm nervous or sick). I had to lie down a few minutes and it got better.

I did get a good laugh at the doctor's office as So Young was answering health questions about her family. When asked about diabetes, she said her grandfather had it. The nurse asked her if he took shots, to which she responded, "he's in the hospital." I'm thinking, great, they're gonna think her family's really sick. The nurse asks if he's in a nursing home and she basically told them he was in and out of the hospital. The nurse asked if he was really sick, to which So Young, replied, "No, he just likes sugar!" I nearly peed in my pants. I see where she gets her sugar cravings from.