Unanswered Prayers

Sunday evening, for our Life Teen program at church, we presented the topic of unanswered prayers (my idea, since I'm experienced in the topic). Anyway, one of the other groups presented the topic and I have to say, you learn a lot from teaching.

One of the speakers talked about praying about something, but not really getting a clear answer from God. What he said was that God slammed some doors in his face in pointing him in the right direction, then opened new doors.

One reason I feel more at ease about my husband cancelled IUI is that maybe God closed that door. I don't know if he closed it because He is keeping me from doing something morally wrong (against my church's teachings, but I have done them anyway), or because he has something better in mind (adoption). Did He use L to steer me away from doing an IUI so that I have to let Him work His miracle without interfering.

The problem is, I just don't know. I may never know. L said we could try a cycle again next month, but after cancelling this one (before it started), I find myself questioning whether I really want to do this again. I don't know if it's because I feel morally "bad" about it, or because I'm afraid of setting up the cycle and L not being ready and having to cancel again.

Monday afternoon, when we returned home from Dr. New Orleans, I called the office in tears cancelling the cycle. It was really hard, because I wanted it really badly. They had even given us a follistim pen and a sample cartridge. I made L send it back (even though the office asked us to when we cancelled). If he wasn't ready to use it, someone else could.

We are now on hold, indefinately. I am working on him with IVF, since he now realizes how expensive the meds are to just do an IUI.

I understand God may be giving me another lesson in patience, but don't children test your patience too?