Where's Mommy?

I broke the news at work and they took it better than I expected. I was polite, and told them it was that this new job would give me more time with the kids and I just missed them too much. I told them I'd do whatever to help make the transition as smooth as possible. Now I'm just working through my notice. My last day is next Thursday. Friday, I get to take care of registration for classes.

Smiley has reached an exciting new milestone. I leave the room and he will crawl into the room I'm in, sometimes even when he doesn't see where I went. I called him and he came crawling to me.

He's also getting very nosy and always in the way. I'm always having to move him out of trouble. I remind myself that this is a very good thing that he's getting into trouble.

I can't imagine what it will be like when he starts walking.

Bubbles is rolling around everywhere. She will roll and get whatever she wants at the time.

I've been busy lately enrolling in school and trying to schedule my teaching exam, along with trying to wrap up things at work. I think I'm just gonna take one class this summer since I will have two babies and have to get lesson plans together.

We're finding out we're missing a lot of potential adoption placements because of Bubbles. I keep reminding myself that God has a plan and it's for her, not me. By the way, she gets so excited when I pick her up at daycare. Her face just lights up...until I put her in the carseat and she gets pissed because I put her down when I just got home to see her. This afternoon she was playing with my keys while I was strapping her in the car. Of course, I had to take them from her to drive. Boy, was she mad and she let me know half the way home!

I'll update more later. Been busy with a huge blessing this week.

Great News!!!

No, I'm not pregnant...at least I don't think I am.


I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!

I got a teaching position for a private elementary Catholic school. Pay will be almost the same except I only have to "work" 9 months out the year. I know I have to do lesson plans over the summer and grade papers, but I get to work with kids all day long.

Next step is to get enrolled for summer school to finish getting certified.

I got the offer today and I give my notice tomorrow. Wish me luck. My coworkers and bosses are not gonna be happy.

Baptismal Meeting

We attended the Baptism class for our church last night for Smiley. We know he's not "ours" yet, but we want to have everything complete so when we get to the point where the preist agrees to do the baptism(probably after TPR), he won't have to wait any longer. Of course, we were surround by pregnant women, which sucked a lot. It never quits hurting seeing pregnant women and knowing they can just decide to have children and it happens naturally.

I did go into a giggling spell at the video. They showed a baptism of a naked baby dipping it into the water. The teacher said they don't do that anymore, just pour water over that head. Anyway, I held myself back from blurting out, "Smiley would have peed in there!" Ok, I'm bad, but when I suffer sleep deprivation, I have giggling spells(so bad my eyes tear up), then before a super grump! L got to see the grump after we picked the babies up and it was nearly 9:00(my bedtime), and I still had to put the babies to bed, make bottles and shower. I was irritated because he was supposed to pick the kids up earlier and feed them, but got tied up doing something else.

I got home at 5:30, ate while giving Bubbles a bottle and L tube feeding Smiley(when we're in a hurry). I changed them into their jammies, dropped them off at MIL's and made it to church by 6:30!

Anyway, if TPR happens in June, like it's supposed to, we MAY be able to have him baptized in June!

Why I Can't Get Pregnant...

First, I screwed up taking the Clomid. I got busy with the kids, so I forgot one day then took it when I remembered the next day.

Second, I have no idea what cycle day I am on, so I guess hubby will get lucky every other night until AF comes back.

Oh well. If you want to read about Bubbles' visit, go to the>
Palace

I haven't posted yet on the palace, so if I don't get to it in a few minutes, keep checking back.

I Am

I've been tagged again by Robin so here goes:

I am a wife to my wonderful husband.

I am a mommy to a beautiful little angel in heaven.

I am a foster mommy to four children so far.

I am a southern girl and proud of it!

I am a music lover.

I am a foster mommy(and hopefully adoptive mommy soon)to a very demanding, yet lovable and absolutely adorable 18 mo old boy.

I am stubborn! I go after what I want, when I want.

I am a Catholic/christian and follow God the best I can. I really try to go to mass more often, but Smiley thinks that's the time for him to fart and holler as loud as possible during church.

I am shy until you get to know me, then I never shut up.

I am a VERY picky eater.

I am a good friend, or at least I try really hard.

I am going to call my friend right now, so I'll write more later.


I'm not tagging anyone, but if you want to participate, consider yourself tagged.

Panel

I know I'm tagged again, and I'll try and work on that soon.

It's been a long weekend. Yesterday, I go to drop the kids off at daycare and someone meets me outside saying two of the teachers(both my kids' teachers) are working but have the stomach virus. I decided no way I was leaving them, and called into work. I don't think they were too happy, but it's either one day to prevent getting sick or 2-3 days off next week getting my family through the stomach virus. Vomiting is scary in babies.

Now, I didn't get a break because Bubbles had her stupid W*IC appointment which took a little over 2 hours. Yes, I gave in and did it, but don't know if I will again. I may just save a few extra cans for when she goes home.

This morning, L and I were invited to speak at the panel for the final foster parent class. MIL kept both babies so we got the day to ourselves! I don't know if we'll be invited back because we told them honestly things they didn't want them to know. We probably will though. Our worker is just awesome! I really enjoyed it. I hope I was able to help some other families.

After class, we went to visit Princess' grave since we were in the area. I was saddened to see she had a new neighbor. Someone else lost their baby recently too.

I am sick, exhausted and Bubbles doesn't want to nap(Smiley's napping) so I'm in hear typing trying to entertain her. At least she's happy most of the time.

Eight

First, a couple small updates:

1. Bubbles visit was cancelled because parenting classes were running late into the visit time. The good news is they are starting now, so hopefully her case won't drag out too terribly long. If she has a safe place to go, the sooner the better for her. There's no excuse for me not being notified though.

2. L went to a meeting for Smiley today. Bio mom is currently out of state(supposed to be back next week, but who knows). The meeting was real quick...case plan is adoption! Smiley's visits will not be scheduled again until it is confirmed that she is back home.

Now, you're wondering...what do I mean by eight? Supervisor told L there is a sibling set of 8 that may come into care today, poor prognosis and asked if we could take a couple of them. When he asked what age, she asked, "what age do you want?" Please pray that the right decision is made for these children and for their safety if they remain in the home.

I'm picturing in my mind how many bedrooms I'd need to keep them all. Of course, they know they can't place them together so they already decided to place them separately.

In another story, we almost got called for an adorable 1 yr old baby boy, but we're stuck by the "no more than 2 in diapers" rule. I know it can be waived, but probably easily found another home for the little guy. Smiley would have a ball with a 1 yr old brother!

I really pray I am not missing other adoption opportunities having Bubbles. It's out of my hands!

CD5

Well, I had this cl.omid prescription that's been filled for several months now, so I figured, why not give it one more shot. It would be a shame to waste.

So today is day 1 of clomid. I'm not expecting anything, but maybe I should start taking my prenatal vitamins again just in case. I know, funny huh?

I've had a horrible headache all day which if I remember right is a side effect of BCP I usually got. I'm not sure what's worse, headaches or cramps.

In other news, when I picked the kids up from daycare I was told that noone picked Bubbles up for her visit. Thanks for calling and letting me know! I have no idea if/when it is rescheduled so I don't know when to send a visit bag to daycare. Even though I'm not transporting, I still need to know when the visits are! What if I had an appointment for her?

Since I'm taking such horrible care of her....

Dear Bubbles mom,

I'm sorry you feel that I am neglecting your daughter. I know you believe that I don't feed her cereal, give her coke, let her scratch her face, gave her cradle cap and purposely put red bumps on her knees and getting her rejected by E.arly S.teps. I understand you want to believe I'm neglecting your daughter so you can report me and get her back. This is not reasonable thinking. If you want her back, work your caseplan and prove to the judge you can care for her. Complaining will only at best, cause me to move her to another foster home, who will probably NOT be as willing to be polite to you as I have.

Since you are so concerned with trying to blame me for such crazy things, most of which are untrue, where were you when I....

1. Got Bubbles to stop smelling like a cigarette after 3 days of baths.
2. Took her to the doctor's office 4 times in the first 3 weeks, attempting to get her weezing and coughing(smoker's cough) under control.
3. Why did you not inform me of her medical condition? Did you really not care for her safety?
4. Spent over a week setting alarms to go off every 4-6 hours(yes, during the night too) to wake up and give her a breathing treatment, then attempt to put her back to sleep, only to start over in a few hours.
5. Was rocking her patting her back and assuring her the coughing would stop and breathing would get easier.
6. Stood in line over a hour so her mom could have a picture with the Easter Bunny on her first Easter. Waited another hour for the picture to be printed and purchased it with my money(and no thanks, Smiley's mom was very appreciative).
7. Rocked her and rubbed her belly when she had tummy aches from being overfed after visits.
8. Took her to WIC, got my hubby sick, so you wouldn't have to buy formula.

Apparantly, I'm not a good enough foster mom. Caseworker must not think so, since she says nothing to defend us. Maybe Bubbles isn't a good match and should find another foster home.

Do you understand how another move will affect your daughter? If you do not quit making untrue and stupid accusations, I may be forced to help her find another family to live with to protect my family. Please consider what harm this would do to your baby and work your caseplan to get her home rather than blaming me for every little thing.

Dreammommy


Of course, I'm not gonna send this, but had to get it out. I wrote about this at the palace this week and is much as she lights up my life, I am beginning to doubt she needs to stay with us. Caseworker and supervisor are not defending us and I'm terrified to imagine what will happen when she starts crawling and getting bruises, or worse...a diaper rash!

We need to talk to our worker, because I don't need this "child" messing up Smiley's adoption. The stress is taking a toll on our relationship too.

We're gonna try a little longer and see if things improve. I don't expect mom to quit complaining, but I do expect caseworker to defend us!

Help Me!

Please follow me to the Palace



I have an issue I need to keep kinda private.

I may not post the issue til' later, so please check back.

I've been Tagged Again

Kathy tagged me so I'll play along today.

Here Are The Rules:

1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Ok, here are some random facts/habits about me:

1. I am an EXTREMELY picky eater. I am so picky that when I make new friends, I warn them that this is something that they will have to accept about me and not to be offended if I don't eat what they cook.

2. I played the clarinet for 12-13 years throughout junior high, high school and college. It used to be a really big part of my life, but kinda gave it up after I got married.

3. I knew I wanted to be a mommy since I was in kindergarden. I have planned my whole life around having kids.

4. I still don't know what career I want to do when I grow up, except be a mommy.

5. I got blessed with the best set of parents in the world! Even though they don't know what to say to our fertility problems, they are the best. Many of my friends have also adopted them as their parents, especially my dad for my girlfriends who weren't close to their fathers.

6. We once had two cats names Claire and Annette because my sister and I both played clarinet. I guess that's why L won't let me name Bubbles Claire if we get to adopt her(I promise I won't make her middle name Annette).

7. I became quite popular in high school after I fainted once(I have fainting spells occasionally). I was known as "the girl who passed out."

8. I am also blessed with nosebleeds and it doesn't take much to make my nose bleed.

I'm tagging whoever wants to participate or whoever is still reading after learning how weird I am.

Alcohol!

I forgot to tell you about Smiley's visit last week. His bio mom was inspecting the damage to his privates from surgery and said, "you need to clean it off with some alcohol!" OUCH! I mean, my little guy has a high pain tolerance but I'm sure that would have made him start screaming pretty loud.

One more funny thing. Our favorite worker in our parish got promoted to Witch's(princess' worker's supervisor) job in another parish. I'll miss her but glad she got promoted. She is an EXCELLENT worker. I'll call her P.

So yesterday, I get this phone call from her. Try to imagine what is going through my head as we talk:

P: Hi L, how are you?

Me: Fine, You?

P: Great...hey I already talked to L(thinking what has L agreed to now) and he wanted me to ask you a question?

Me: (thinking, how old? What sex? How many? What health problems?) Ok what do you need?

P: I just needed to know the day Princess was put into your care.

Me: Jan 25

P: I think that's all I needed, Thank you.

Me: Your welcome, call me if you have any other questions.

Isn't it crazy how we always think the worst when a worker calls? I was kinda scared L had agreed to take a kid out of our age range and she was just getting me approval.

Knocked Down

I know I've been rather quiet the last week and bad about leaving comments, but I haven't forgotten ya'll, and all the support. This week has really kicked my ass emotionally. I have been "hanging in there" and keeping hope because I knew one really great thing was supposed to happen last week.

Smiley was supposed to have his TPR hearing this week. The one good thing I really needed to happen to get me out of my slump was for Smiley to finally be freed for adoption. With his case still dragging and the uncertainty with Bubbles is really driving me crazy!

I have this special little boy who's been in care 18 months and still isn't any closer to permanancy. I have this precious baby girl that they want to send back to a bad situation and are ignoring her health needs. Bubbles is all cleaned up and finally thriving and she may have to go back to a bad place.

She's laughing at me from her swing behind the computer. She just wants to make sure I turn my head to acknowledge her cuteness.

I can't really describe the feeling, but when I'm not busy caring for my babies, I just feel kinda knocked down and can't concentrate.

Well it's pointless to worry and hopefully I'll snap out of it soon.

Must go cuddle my little cutie that's waiting for my attention. Thank goodness for my babies to keep my sanity!

Insurance

Many of you have questioned, why don't I just quit and be a SAHM? Well, the biggest hurdle to that now is insurance, mainly health insurance. Health insurance is one of the very few benefits of my job.

After telling L again how much Smiley needs me home, because he needs so much more speech and occupational therapy, I feel like I'm neglecting him by working. Right now he gets to go once every other week, but if I were home, I could take him 2-3 times a week and he could catch up quicker. I feel extremely guilty and I absolutely HATE having to leave him at daycare. I wouldn't mind a couple hours a few days a week so he can interact with other kids, but not 40-50 hours a week!

L can add me to his health insurance but it's pretty expensive, but I think what I'd save in daycare(after Smiley's adoption) we could cover that. I could save gas, eating out, etc. After whining again last night, L said he'd call and look into an individual policy for me. I cannot be without health insurance due to my endo and family history of colon cancer.

For those of you who know anything about health insurance, I have questions...If you switch from a group to individual policy and do not lapse in coverage, will the individual policy deny coverage of pre-existing conditions? If pre-existing conditions do not matter, I could easily switch policies and be closer to being a SAHM.

The last few days have been extremely difficult on me. I hate getting out of bed in the morning. I remember when I was younger at daycare and I just wanted to hug my mom/dad forever before they left for work, not wanting to leave them. This is how I am with my babies. I just can't seem to give them enough hugs and kisses every morning before I drag myself to work.

I miss them. I think about them all day long, yet I'm forced to work to pay for insurance and it's not just health insurance. I bet most of us could be SAHM's if insurance didn't exist. Think of what we pay in homeowner's, health, auto insurance, etc and imagine how much extra money you'd have without having to pay it.

In the meantime, my baby's mama's get to sit on their ass all day and get free food, formula, and health care insurance provided by the government!

So hear I am at work, for health insurance, because I may consider having another lap soon.

I miss my babies, sniff sniff...

Don't Count Your Chickens

Before they hatch!


Court was cancelled this afternoon because bio mom's attorney said he wasn't notified. Hearing is re-scheduled for early June(yeah right). Just my wonderful luck!

I'm never gonna be a mommy. Poor Smiley is gonna be a foster child forever.

Guess when they notified me! The court guard informed us 45 minutes AFTER the hearing was scheduled and entertaining his mom for almost an hour.

Caseworker said she left a message on L's phone. We have 5 different phone numbers we can be reached at and it's funny how they will call all of them when they want to place a child.

The hearing was at 1:30, cancelled around 9:00 am and all the notice we got was a voicemail message around 11:30! That's just ridiculous! A half day missed work for nothing!


I'm so upset and angry right now!