Tomorrow's The Big Day!

Smiley's TPR hearing is finally tomorrow. Please send prayers that nothing stupid happens to cause any further delays.

If TPR happens, his bio parents have 15 days to file an appeal, then he can be moved into adoptions!

Could this really finally be it? Am I gonna really be a mommy?

The hearing isn't until late afternoon, but I will callRobin shortly after my mom, if not before(depending on who answers their phone first) to let her know the results, so I'll ask her to post in the comments or on her blog tomorrow because I doubt I'll have time to blog until Wednesday morning because will be very busy with the babies.

Prayers please...

Thanks for Telling Me!

I took Bubbles to the doctor and I was able to get in with the doctor who was seeing her before she came into care(I'd only seen her partners). She said Bubbles has Reactive Airway Disease, which is treated the same as Asthma. Sometimes they grow out of this, but if they don't, they are usually diagnosed with Asthma around age 3(they don't diagnose asthma before age 3).

Her mom apparantly neglected to mention this to social services or us. Don't you think that's kinda important? I guess she didn't want something they could use against her, but don't you care about the health needs of your child?

I'm gonna stop now, before I say too much, but there's no excuse for this!

Black and Blue

Today I went to pick up Bubbles and Robin and I unwrapped Smiley's bandage. The doctor warned me it would look bad, but it looks like my poor baby's privates were smashed in a car door! He is handling it like a trooper.

Bubbles has been having cough/congestion off and on since we got her. Brought her to the doctor twice, second time told that the cold may be lingering a long time. Mom and Robin think it may be asthma because we heard some weezing. Thank goodness for Smiley that I already have a nebulizer, so I gave her another breathing treatment tonight prescribed at her last visit. I'm gonna have to take her in again tomorrow. Her breathing sounds awful. So much for me catching up on rest tomorrow.

I was gonna be a bad mommy tomorrow and drop Bubbles off at day care for a while so I could deal with just Smiley, since he's demanding(and rightfully so) right now.

I'm so exhausted!

Bubble Sitting(and surgery update)

Well, Smiley's surgery went well. It barely took two hours and he was released around 10:30 this morning. I'm not gonna begin to describe how bad things look under his diaper. Poor little man. Doctor said it would look bad for several weeks. He had some post anesthesia nausea, so now we're trying to keep down some pedialite. He is sleeping in Nanna's arms.


Robin is Bubble sitting for me today. I love this woman! Such a great friend. As much as I love Bubbles, it's nice to just have one baby to care for now with Smiley hurting. Her little boy is just loving her to pieces. I hope I can get the little boy for her and he's a match so her son can have a little brother. We are trying to get her into classes sooner and it may happen soon. It's nice to have a good friend to count on. I don't have a lot of close friends.

Well, I need to try and see if Smiley will tolerate a little formula so he can have some pain medicine. Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts.

All Clear

Finally, all the paperwork is straight and surgery is on tomorrow morning. Pray my little guy stays healthy.

Here We Go Again

Well, tomorrow is Smiley's Hypospadias repair. With my past(bad) experiences with surger/anesthesia consents and paperwork, I had L pull out all the signed consents by the judge to look them over.

You can only imagine what went through my mind as I read the cover letter to caseworker with the following included in the last paragraph:

"The third form is the Anesthesia consent. It is not included. It cannot be faxed. Please leave a phone number where someone can be reached at 6am on 4/24/07 to give verbal consent to the Anesthesiologist."

Babyblues, could you please come put my little guy to sleep so he can have surgery tomorrow morning?

So, anyway, back on the phone to supervisor and note's author, explaining again that the judge WILL NOT be available at 6am for a phone call! After weeks of fighting, they STILL didn't send the damn anesthesia consent form! I should have had it supenoed! This is ridiculous.

Judge is supposed to call at 2 to give verbal consent. That will be interesting to see if a judge and doctor can catch each other by phone with an afternoon to do it in! I basically told the lady to call supervisor and figure out how to fix it if they wanted the surgery to take place.

Please send prayers that this is straightened out. I have enough to deal with without having to worry about this.

Name That Pup!

Please help my sister come up with a name for her new puppy. It's a boy.




Here other pet names are as follows:

Blue(dog)
Annette(cat)
Jazzy(cat)

Please help her out and she'll keep you posted on important events in my life when I can't get to the computer. Thanks for the help.

This Bothers Me

Ok, I'm probably being a little selfish here, but at the meeting for Bubbles today, WIC was brought up. She is not on extremely expensive formula, so I just buy it. The lost time from work is nearly the value of the WIC vouchers! Anyway, it looks like I'm gonna be forced to take her because when she goes home, her family cannot afford to buy her formula.

So, they are going to send a baby home whose parents can't afford to feed her! I'll probably hear it about this and I should understand that some people are disadvantaged, blah, blah... A can of formula costs me about an hour of work, so I'd miss approximately 8 hours of work between two appointments before getting the vouchers to get 9 cans of formula!

Just irritated today. Probably because I don't feel in my heart she will be safe returning home.

I'm Honored

I just found out recently that Princess' mom has been bugging everyone at social services because she wants us to adopt her other 2 children! I am honored, but I cannot. The girl is bonded with the foster mom who is adopting her and the boy has issues I cannot handle. It makes me feel good to be asked though.

I'm Gonna Lose Another Baby Girl

Bubbles' parents are working their caseplans. I know she's not my baby and I'm supposed to be happy for them, but at the same time, I don't know if I can handle the loss again. With Scooter, I was confident he was going to a stable, safe environment. I am not with Bubbles. It's out of my hands and I have to keep her in God's hands. I really do want what is best for her and her to be safe, loved and well-cared for.

I know there will be other babies that need me and it's not about me, it's about the kids. I am gonna try and take my mom's advice and love her and enjoy her while I have her. She will be almost a year old if she goes home at the next court hearing, so I will get all the fun baby months with her, but doesn't seem fair to our parents. I wish court hearings were more frequent for babies going for reunification so the time away from their parents wouldn't be so long. I know the system is not perfect and I just have to deal with it.

I just ask ya'll to be hear for me when it's time to say goodbye. People say not to get attached, but that's impossible. If I didn't get attached, I wouldn't be doing my job.

Gonna keep reminding myself that God is in control.

Bubbles' Nursery

I don't really care for Pooh Bear, but it still looks pretty cute:



I think I added everyone to the palace who requested entrance in the comments of my last post. If I missed you, email me. I probably either accidentally skipped you or misspelled your email address.

Follow Me to the Palace

I have a problem I need some advice on and I don't want to go into it here. Please go to the palace and see if you have any suggestions.

Denial

I'm sure you've all heard of the 5 stages of grief and may be going through them with infertility or other losses:
1.DENIAL
2.ANGER
3.BARGAINING
4.DEPRESSION
5.ACCEPTANCE

It's time for me to move out the the denial stage of infertility. I am seriously considering(and probably will) get on the pill starting Sunday. Next month will make 3 years off the pill and not once did I ever even become close to getting pregnant. My endo was back at my yearly check up a few months ago, last month I had a very painful and scary experience with a ruptured cysts, and cramping has just been too painful.

I didn't want to give up all hope and go back on the pill, but it's time to put away my dream of becoming pregnant and giving birth to a biological child.

Tomorrow, it will be 2 months since I lost my little Princess. I put up a good front for everyone. People are amazed that I seem to be taking it so well. The truth is, I was in denial. It's amazing how long your mind can tell you that a tragedy really did not happen and that I'll wake up soon from this nightmare and be able to see my little girl again.

I won't. She's gone. My baby girl died and she's not coming back.

Over the last few days, all these thoughts have been hitting me and reality is starting to kick in. I lost a child. I am one of those people that other people walk on eggshells not knowing how to comfort me, but secretly hoping they never have to go through losing a child. I used to be one of them, now I walk with them in their pain and I trully understand their loss now.

It's like my world stopped all over again. On the outside, I'm functioning, even smiling, but on the inside, my heart is shattered. She was gonna be our legal daughter one day and we couldn't keep her with us.

Bubbles is hear, but she's not mine, and will probably never be mine. To let myself hope to keep her would be setting myself up for another heartbreak. The uncertaintly is killing me. I wish they would either reunite quickly or TPR, but I guess it's not that easy. I just have to risk another heartbreak so she can be safe for now.

Call

I was awakened around 11:30 last night as L's work cell phone started ringing. He didn't answer it in time, but the area code of the phone number was the area code social services calls from(yes, they are in a different area code). He called back and got no answer. I can't help but wondering if it was a call for a baby. I guess it was either the wrong number or not meant to be.

Am I content with two babies? Yes. I have as much as I can handle right now, but in the back of my mind I'm hoping for a call for a poor prognosis baby girl, one that I have a good chance of keeping. I lost my last two babies, Scooter and Princess, and will probably have to say goodbye to Bubbles, so I just want a baby girl I can keep.

I learned the other day that Jack and Jill's mom is having a baby girl(I've known she was pg for some time now). I'm so jealous. It's so unfair that she can pop them out, and not even appreciate them. She's been calling a lot asking us to watch Jack and Jill because she's tired. WHAT IS SHE GONNA DO WHEN THE BABY ARRIVES?? Oh, I know, call us to watch all three of them! There was a time she told L she didn't know how she'd handle another one. I guess adoption didn't even cross her mind.

Anyway enough griping. It's just not fair she gets to have another baby when she's barely taking care of the two she has. I mean they are fed and provided for, but her immaturity has been causing her to make some dumbass decisions lately that could put her kids into foster care, and that scares the hell out of me. L and I are doing our best to help her help herself and her kids. That's all I can do, and put them in God's hands.

Ok, had to vent about that. Of course, I'm gonna watch over my babies and not let anything happen to them, just irritates me sometimes. I remind myself I do it for the kids.

Infertility has been hitting me much harder after learning about my stepson. Now L is a father, and I still have no children. Now I really feel like everyone but me can have kids. I may never know the joy of having a baby in my home and knowing it won't be taken from me.

Not knowing is the hardest part. I HATE that Bubbles doesn't go to court for another 5 months! The uncertainty is killing me! I know at this point the plan has to be reuification, but with court so far away, hope is starting to creep in and that is not good. Bubbles will be almost a year old and probably walking by the time we go to court again. That's a lot of bonding between us to have her ripped apart, and a lot of lost time between her and bio mom. It's really not fair to either of us, unless there's more noone's telling me.

Well, there is one thing I can almost guarantee(knock on wood)...Smiley should be ours by the end of the year...maybe the end of the summer.

Who Turned on The A/C, and Sprinkler?

I hate this time of the year. I finally start thinking it's warming up, and summer is approaching, then BAM! The last cold spell with rain! Apparantely this final cold front decided to make it's appearance Good Friday and still sticking around now, bringing with it today dreary, depressing rain.

Don't you just love it when your piping hot crawfish are quickly turned ice cold due to a cold breeze that decided to blow on your Good Friday crawfish boil? Of course, this breeze only magically appeared everytime a new pot of boiled crawfish was dumped on the table.

So, we had cold crawfish. Since one of the nominated cooks was a yankee(no offense Robin. I consider you a southern girl already), they were not spicy either!

Ok, seriousy, who would you choose to have boil your crawfish, L, who was born and raised down the bayou, or Uncle R, who is from Michigan? You would think the crawfish boil was in Michigan! Lucky for me, one of the few advantages of living in this crap town is seafood is plentiful, fresher, and cheaper, so I had my fill of crawfish before those 12 sacks were ruined that day.

Ok, I'm gonna stop boring you about crawfish and the weather, but the rain is really depressing me. I had a bad missing Princess day yesterday triggered by a project at work. I am thinking about Bubbles and how much it is gonna tear me up to lose her. Maybe I was ready to care for another baby, but not ready for all the family drama that comes along with it.

I am starting to get excited about Smiley possibly becoming freed for adoption. There are times now when he does cute things and I think, "that's gonna be my son." It's a nice thought that gets me through some tough times.

I watch Smiley and Bubbles play and it's like they were meant to be together. The way they interact is just adorable. Smiley definately cannot be an only child.

Oh, almost forgot, stepson has been in the hospital since Thursday, double pnuemonia,double ear infection, had surgery Saturday to drain out his lungs and surgery today(I think) to have his tonsils out. Poor kid. He was supposed to spend this week with us. His mom decided to ignore his cold symptoms and send him to school and ball practice anyway. Please pray he gets better soon. L may have to fly in to see him a couple days this weekend.

Anyone do respite care in LA? I can't go because don't want to fly with two babies.

Fighting

We took the kids to have their pictures taken with the Easter Bunny Saturday. After waiting an hour, it was finally our turn. We did three poses: one with just Bubbles, Bubbles and Smiley, and just Smiley. I decided to do a pose for each bio mom and one together for us.

Anyway, Bubbles and Smiley were fighting on the Easter Bunny's lap! It was so funny.

Oh yeah, an exciting new milestone for Smiley. He pulled himself up to a standing position on the coffee table! I'm so excited! Next step will be walking along the table and maybe one day, walking on his own!

Aren't You Taking the Mama?

We had a lovely evening at social services yesterday. While we were attempting to work with Smiley and his speech therapist, the supervisor interrupted us with the following conversation:

Supervisor: So, has anything changed regarding her?

Me: Changed, I guess not.

Supervisor: Didn't ya'll say you were gonna take Bubbles' mother too?

Me: (thinking HELL NO!)No...this is the first I heard of this.

Supervisor: Ok, just wanted to check. CASA supervisor told the judge that she had talked to ya'll and that ya'll were willing to take the mom.

Me: Didn't she not want to go to the group home to be with her?

Supervisor: No, not the group home.

L: We'll take the sibling if you need us too, but if you insist on keeping them together, you can come get her.


Anyway we basically said HELL NO as politely as possible.

Are they out of their F*cking minds??

How am I supposed to be able to establish any control over a teenager(18 in a few months anyway) who has a 28 yr old b/f(baby's daddy)with a police record a mile long pregnant again, and has a serious attitude problem?

What makes them think she would even agree to come live with us, and follow our rules when she's living on her own with her own now and free to do what she wants?

Caseworker apparantly told bio parents what daycare she went to, and they live very close to us. What the hell was she thinking? Not that they couldn't figure it out on the own, but that's nuts.

I really went to meet Bubbles' mom with a good attitude trying to be as nice as I could.

What do I think of Bubbles' mom/family? I'd feel safer seeing Smiley go home than Bubbles! That's scary. I pray that Bubbles does not have to go home to ANYONE I met yesterday. If she has to go home, I pray it's with a good relative that I haven't met that is stable.

I'm really scared for Bubbles. Must put her in God's hands. Still think Princess sent her though.

Long Term

Smiley and Bubbles caseworker called today because she was having difficulty getting the anesthesia consents from the hospital(big surprise there) and I asked her when Bubbles next court date was. She said it was in September! I thought there was another hearing late this month or early next month.

That will make Bubbles almost a year old at that time and bio mom will either have popped or being very close at the next hearing. I was kinda hoping for a review hearing a lot sooner so I can determine the status of her case. It will be pure torture for me to let her go after having her 6 months!

I guess I have to think of it like Princess. It's better to have the time I have with her than to have gone a lifetime never knowing her. Maybe at the visit tomorrow and meeting her mom I'll get some hints as to whether or not she will return home safely.

I know being a foster parent, I'm supposed to support reunification, but I have a hard time doing this since this is her 2nd time in care!

Do you think parents should be given a chance to work a case plan if the kids are taken back into care for a second time? I don't. I'm gonna hear it in my comments for this, but I don't. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit, especially when you're offered to keep your baby if you move in a group home where you and your baby can live in a safe environment and mom can finish her education.

What do you think? Do you think TPR should be automatic if it's the child's second time in foster care?

Feed Tube Replacement, Take Two

Around noon Saturday, I went to feed Smiley and as I unsnapped his onesie and pulled it up, out came the feeding tube onto to floor.

Since I wasn't gonna let Dr. Asshole change it, we drove to my hometown, 2 hours away to get it changed and hopefully get established with a new surgeon.

To make a long story short, here's the summary:

We made a bad decision choosing a hospital ER to go to so we spent nearly 8 hours in the emergency room waiting to have his feeding tube changed. They put a smaller tube of some sort to hold the whole open, so poor Smiley kept getting bumped back to the end of the line.

We arrived at 2pm, and by 9pm, Smiley's tube had been changed, but do I get to finally go home..of course not! The ER doctor ordered a dye X-ray to make sure the tube was placed right. Of course they weren't in a hurry. Nearly in tears(after an 7 hour wait and 2 hour drive before that to get here) I told the nurse we'd like to leave because we didn't think it was necessary. Doctor wouldn't release us, so I was stuck there another hour while they dragged ass getting the X-ray done! If he was my legal child, I would have walked out, but being my foster child, I was stuck!

What pisses me off more than anything is that, the Dr. Asshole who changed his tube last time, could have scheduled an office visit to follow up and change it after a few months but he refused. He told us we would have to go to the ER when it was time to change it, so he could make us wait, of course. Well, he got his way! We had to wait..but not on him!

Why didn't I find another surgeon? Just like with Princess, surgeons won't follow other surgeon's work, so the only way to change surgeon's is to wait for the tube to break and go to the ER.

They did give me a referral for a surgeon to follow up with. I asked if he would see us. The nurse just told us to tell them we were referred from the ER. We'll see. I have a feeling they still won't see us. Poor Smiley.

And to think, L and I were about to go pick up a baby bed for Bubbles and start the process of moving her into her room.

It's always something with poor Smiley. Good thing I love him to death.