Call

I was awakened around 11:30 last night as L's work cell phone started ringing. He didn't answer it in time, but the area code of the phone number was the area code social services calls from(yes, they are in a different area code). He called back and got no answer. I can't help but wondering if it was a call for a baby. I guess it was either the wrong number or not meant to be.

Am I content with two babies? Yes. I have as much as I can handle right now, but in the back of my mind I'm hoping for a call for a poor prognosis baby girl, one that I have a good chance of keeping. I lost my last two babies, Scooter and Princess, and will probably have to say goodbye to Bubbles, so I just want a baby girl I can keep.

I learned the other day that Jack and Jill's mom is having a baby girl(I've known she was pg for some time now). I'm so jealous. It's so unfair that she can pop them out, and not even appreciate them. She's been calling a lot asking us to watch Jack and Jill because she's tired. WHAT IS SHE GONNA DO WHEN THE BABY ARRIVES?? Oh, I know, call us to watch all three of them! There was a time she told L she didn't know how she'd handle another one. I guess adoption didn't even cross her mind.

Anyway enough griping. It's just not fair she gets to have another baby when she's barely taking care of the two she has. I mean they are fed and provided for, but her immaturity has been causing her to make some dumbass decisions lately that could put her kids into foster care, and that scares the hell out of me. L and I are doing our best to help her help herself and her kids. That's all I can do, and put them in God's hands.

Ok, had to vent about that. Of course, I'm gonna watch over my babies and not let anything happen to them, just irritates me sometimes. I remind myself I do it for the kids.

Infertility has been hitting me much harder after learning about my stepson. Now L is a father, and I still have no children. Now I really feel like everyone but me can have kids. I may never know the joy of having a baby in my home and knowing it won't be taken from me.

Not knowing is the hardest part. I HATE that Bubbles doesn't go to court for another 5 months! The uncertainty is killing me! I know at this point the plan has to be reuification, but with court so far away, hope is starting to creep in and that is not good. Bubbles will be almost a year old and probably walking by the time we go to court again. That's a lot of bonding between us to have her ripped apart, and a lot of lost time between her and bio mom. It's really not fair to either of us, unless there's more noone's telling me.

Well, there is one thing I can almost guarantee(knock on wood)...Smiley should be ours by the end of the year...maybe the end of the summer.