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You Could Always Adopt. . .

Adopted 3 boys out of foster care, then got pregnant for my beautiful daughter, now currently pregnant again with twins.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Denial

I'm sure you've all heard of the 5 stages of grief and may be going through them with infertility or other losses:
1.DENIAL
2.ANGER
3.BARGAINING
4.DEPRESSION
5.ACCEPTANCE

It's time for me to move out the the denial stage of infertility. I am seriously considering(and probably will) get on the pill starting Sunday. Next month will make 3 years off the pill and not once did I ever even become close to getting pregnant. My endo was back at my yearly check up a few months ago, last month I had a very painful and scary experience with a ruptured cysts, and cramping has just been too painful.

I didn't want to give up all hope and go back on the pill, but it's time to put away my dream of becoming pregnant and giving birth to a biological child.

Tomorrow, it will be 2 months since I lost my little Princess. I put up a good front for everyone. People are amazed that I seem to be taking it so well. The truth is, I was in denial. It's amazing how long your mind can tell you that a tragedy really did not happen and that I'll wake up soon from this nightmare and be able to see my little girl again.

I won't. She's gone. My baby girl died and she's not coming back.

Over the last few days, all these thoughts have been hitting me and reality is starting to kick in. I lost a child. I am one of those people that other people walk on eggshells not knowing how to comfort me, but secretly hoping they never have to go through losing a child. I used to be one of them, now I walk with them in their pain and I trully understand their loss now.

It's like my world stopped all over again. On the outside, I'm functioning, even smiling, but on the inside, my heart is shattered. She was gonna be our legal daughter one day and we couldn't keep her with us.

Bubbles is hear, but she's not mine, and will probably never be mine. To let myself hope to keep her would be setting myself up for another heartbreak. The uncertaintly is killing me. I wish they would either reunite quickly or TPR, but I guess it's not that easy. I just have to risk another heartbreak so she can be safe for now.

6 Comments:

  • At 11:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Lisa

    I know you have puts things in God's hands and that is hard, very hard! But remember once we give it to Him we need to try and not take it back. He loves you and your family. Trust that He will do what is best for all of you. I know it's hard to do. We are going through something similar and i am praying constantly and doing my very best to leave it in His hands and know He is in control. "Jesus take the wheel..."

     
  • At 12:41 PM, Blogger Princess Ang-hamin said…

    I've been following your story and want to let you know that you've encouraged me with your experiences during some rough times in my life.

    I received some great insight today: "I believe that preceding each personal and spiritual victory there must be a moment of adversity – a literal trial of spirit. These dark times, when many fall with despair, are the real moments of triumph…remembering that each noble cause must be preceded by a struggle enables us to better walk with courage and faith."

    Richard Paul Evan (Christmas Box Miracle)

    My thoughts are with you as you feel through these difficult times.

     
  • At 12:41 PM, Blogger Julie said…

    This brings tears to my eyes- it is sad- you have been through a lot with infertilty and the dream of delivering your own baby. I guess it is time to let that go. I am sad for you. I am sure it is hard to watch that dream just float away. Princess is gone- but she will always stay with you. A part of her stays with all of us as we walk along side you. Hang in there- Reality Bites but it is better than living in lala land.
    hugs!

     
  • At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Maggie said…

    So many times I read your website and I think, "You are being Jesus!" I can't even fathom how hard all of this is, but I am so encouraged and inspired by your stories.

     
  • At 4:43 PM, Blogger JUST A MOM said…

    sorry,,,,,,,,,,,((HUGS))

     
  • At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The days will get easier and the really bad days further apart. I am sorry you have to go through this stuff.

     

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