Rough Times

L is spending the night in the hospital. He has mono, but also still having stomach sickness.

Dad is in the hospital for the second night with high potassium levels. They're having difficulty getting it down since he has no colon and only one kidney.

We got a call for a baby girl but L's coworker went behind our backs and took it before we got a chance to get in touch with the right people.

This sounds selfish, but desperately hoping for a newborn. I've sacrificied the pregnancy experience, but still long for a brand new baby. We've been getting no calls. I know a call means a child's in trouble, so I shouldn't really hope.

Bubbles and Princess' losses are really hitting me hard, especially since noone seems to call us for any children except ones they can't place with anyone else.

There are 4 positions to be filled in my school and my principal is giving me no signal either way about whether I will get one. I already work there, so it's not like I'm an outside person. So, I need some work with classroom management, but I focus my time on the children, and tend to skip most of the social networking. Not because I don't like my coworkers, but my time with my family is valuable and a 3 hour social at some place I don't even like to eat does not appeal to me when I have Smiley to come home to.

One of the teachers is pregnant and "uncomfortable." She says she'd have lots of babies if she could handle pregnancy. Another teacher suggests she get a surrogate. I wanted to punch the shit out of both of them.

It seems each new day at morning prayer is a pregnancy or birth announcement. Everyone's excited. I ask for prayers the anniversary of my baby's death...not much response.

Another teacher had a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She's taking next year off to be with her. I may not even be employed.

What is so wrong with us? They get TONS of babies into care and we get called for none, unless they are sick.

Ok, so I'm having a pity party,but I'm hurting so much inside. The losses are hitting me more and more, but I stay, because I want another.

My House Has Cooties

Sorry I've been away a while, but L and K caught the stomach virus and I've been obsessively hand washing, lysoling and cleaning like crazy hoping to spare Smiley and me. That and politely asking hubby to stay away from Smiley. We later got blood test results on L, who we also learned has mono.

In other news, there is an opening for a preK-3 teacher at my school so I let my principal know I'd like to be considered. The other 4th grade teacher is also taking a year off to stay home with her new baby(I'm so jealous), so they also must fill that position, and my 4th grade position, so I'm praying they will keep me somewhere. The 3-year olds would be perfect. I do better with younger kids.

No news of any potential placements. I'm having serious baby fever, so I hope to have another soon, but not looking that way now.

Smiley was released from his surgeon(for the feeding tube) today and his tummy healed just fine.

Vacation

We have decided to take a trip withRunergirl and her family to D*sney during Easter break. L, K and I will go. Smiley will have some quality time with Nanna. He's just too fussy to put on a plane and getting too heavy to carry. Yes, there are strollers, but he no longer wants to ride in them, but can't yet walk and is getting heavy(yes, he's finally putting on some weight). This trip is for K, but maybe hubby and I can go somewhere else later. I'm sure we'll have a great time because everything with Runergirl and her family is fun.

I survived the week and doing as best I can. More to come later.

One Year in Heaven

Please stop by thePalace. Wed, Feb. 13 will make one year our little one went to heaven. It's gonna be a rough week for everyone.

People just don't understand, I mean, in the real world.

My prayers go out to everyone who has lost children.

It just doesn't seem fair to have someone so precious, then have to say goodbye after only a short time. Most of our time spent with her was in the NICU, dragging a cranky 13 mo old and taking turns visiting, one at a time. We bring her home and about 3 short weeks later got the call she was no longer breathing. We spend hours holding her and saying goodbye. Then the worker makes arrangements to take her body to be buried with her family.

We were her family. We were the ones holding her hand while she looked desperately at us to get her out of there.

She was a VERY demanding baby. Maybe God sensed she was too much for us. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Sometimes I wonder if she was trying to tell us something. If only I'd known that before she got on that helicopter would be the last time I'd see her alive, I could have kissed her one more time. I just thought I'd see her again in a couple hours and we'd be in for another VERY LONG hospital stay.

Sometimes it seems the more I love someone, the more likely they are to be taken away, Princess, Bubbles, the baby girl I was so close to getting. I know God has given me the strength to survive but I've almost reached my limit.

I am posting early because Wed is going to be a very long day for me. I have school, faculty meeting, then a night class that I absolutely cannot miss.

I guess I'll make it through somehow. I have to.

They Took Her

After hearing we wanted her, they decided they would "try her out."

She's not a toy.

I know I should have been prepared for this, but I've REALLY been needing some good news.

We are now on the list to call for newborns in that area, so maybe another will come along.

Should have known(Updated)

-They'd be in no hurry to even call me about the baby girl.

-They want to ask another family first. This family is on vacation and unreachable. This would also be their first placement if they say yes.

-We will be 2nd choice(I think) if this family says no.

-We are not "yes" foster parents so don't get a lot of calls for little ones.

-They would risk this child's chances of being placed into a family who CAN and is VERY WILLING to care for her medical needs, to wait and ask another family who may not.

-I shouldn't get attached, at least not until the child is placed with me and papers are signed.

-A baby with this great of chance of going for adoption quickly what not be given to me as first choice.

-I wouldn't get this baby during my week off for Mardi Gras break.

Nothing's certain yet. I guess I could end up with her. It's all in God's hands. I must sit and wait.

Updated 2/4/08 at 10:31 am:

About the other family. Last I heard is they were asked to take the baby, but when told of her medical condition and how difficult she would be, they decided to think about it. At the time, the worker said ok because she had nowhere else to go. Now she has someone who wants her(us) and they are on vaction. The worker is trying to reach them and get them to make a decision.

It really irritates me that they are holding this baby for a family who can't even make up their mind, when we KNOW we want her. I don't feel comfortable with her being with a family who cannot decide if they can handle her. Yes, we were going back and forth about taking Smiley, but he didn't have anyone else who wanted him, and I surely would have backed down if another family who had more experience wanted him. I know what I am getting into and I hope they understand they will need to travel out of town to get a good plastic surgeon.

Pinch Me Please(updated)

First, I must tell you how much I love this woman, even if this doesn't work out.

Anyway, runergirl and I were talking on the phone and she casually mentioned her worker telling her of a baby girl that had a feeding tube, came through and was placed. She asked why they didn't call her and she was told because she was considered medically needy. You'll never guess what she has...

A cleft palette, which is the reason for the feeding tube. There are also some things that will require surgery in her private areas, but nothing major, at least I don't think.

I told Runergirl, you should call them back. She was probably placed in a temporary foster home. In the background, I hear L saying "I want her" and I shushed him saying, "No, Runergirl wants him." She told me her hubby wasn't yet crazy about the idea of another baby yet. I said, then I'd love to have her. She called the worker and she IS in a temporary home.

Updated 2/2/08 at 3:30 pm:

Here's the scoop on the parents. Dad has signed away rights at birth and none of his family want her. Mom is in prison for 15 years and not eligible for parole for at least 6 years. Mom's family wants nothing to do with her or baby. From what runergirl told me, there will be no visits.

No, I haven't heard from the worker yet, and I'm so anxious, because nothing is certain until the baby is actually turned over to your care.

Please send prayers.