Hole

I'm having a bad night tonight. These two weeks off have been great, but the time off gives me so much time to remember all the pain.

Two children were taken from me. One's in heaven, so I know she is happy. It's Bubbles...I miss her so much. It hurts so bad. As I have been getting more info, I've learned how sneaky they were in screwing us. They called nearly every family in our area to take both babies. Most refused and told caseworker how wrong she was for doing this to us.

What were the new foster parents told? They were told both cases were poor prognosis. We were told the goal was reunification. Supervisor told new foster parents they would try to cut visits down from 3 times a week to once a week! Someone at the hearing should have objected to the visit increases considering the parents rarely attended once a week visits.

I cannot regret my decision, because I could not realistically commit to 3 visits a week. Not that I didn't want to, but Smiley's schedule does not allow it. He has many out of town appointments so when I take him, I must take all the kids because we get back late. We were screwed because we fought for our little girl, but if my losing her keeps her safe, I guess I will just have to go through the pain.

I have been given the number to the new foster parents through our worker, who said they were nice and we could call them and let them know she gave us the number. I want to call, but I'm scared. I learned this family was not quite certified, but pushed through quickly to take my babies! Ok, I know they're not legally mine, but you get the idea.

I want to know how she's doing. I long to hear that laugh once more..see that beautiful smile again. I can't imagine what she must have felt when the person she thought was mommy left her. It's all ok, I guess, since we caught caseworker lying in court and not doing her job and she had explaining to do. L and I will be on the panel for a foster parent class again next month, and I know what I'm gonna tell them.....

Fight for your kids! They may get taking from you for fighting for them, but fight anyway!

It's not fair I didn't get to spend Christmas with her. I can't explain how I held it together as I received gifts with her name on them. I put away her stocking when she left.

Still, I so desperately want more children, so I am at their mercy. The pain of infertility never ends.