Game Over
Yesterday afternoon, AF beat my door down and came in, so this cycle ends in a loss again.
I just thank God I have L and baby N and do not have to suffer alone.
Disappointed, yes, but no tears.
I know some of you are probably thinking, "why be upset, you have baby N."
Yes, I have baby N. I love him dearly. He would have never came into my life and probably got lost in the system if I were not infertile. I think after TPR, knowing he will definately be mom, a lot of the pain will go away, because I know I will be a mommy no matter what.
I haven't accepted the fact that I may never get pregnant yet. I still hope and pray. What I do know, or think I know, is that God WILL give me children, but it will be according to His plan, not mine.
A perfect example of how God is in control: Remember this.
What was I thinking! Then God set me straight here
It was then, I was pretty confident that I would someday be baby N's mommy.
Thinking back to my "lesson", I know there is a reason I'm not pregnant now:
-maybe it's God's way of sparing me labor pains and morning sickness.
-maybe God has more babies he wants me to care for(or parent) whose parents cannot.
-maybe he doesn't want me pregnant now, because baby N has at least 3 major surgeries and knows another baby would be too much right now.
-maybe he wants to humor me and wait until I adopt a few kids first.
I will never know the reason, but I know one of my greatest gifts resulting from infertility is baby N!
Yes, I get tired when he keeps me up all night, but when I pick him up and his head goes on my shoulder and arms around my neck, it's all worth it!
More than anything, infertility has given me a greater respect for life. When baby N gives me fits, I know I am VERY blessed to have a little one to drive me crazy!
I just thank God I have L and baby N and do not have to suffer alone.
Disappointed, yes, but no tears.
I know some of you are probably thinking, "why be upset, you have baby N."
Yes, I have baby N. I love him dearly. He would have never came into my life and probably got lost in the system if I were not infertile. I think after TPR, knowing he will definately be mom, a lot of the pain will go away, because I know I will be a mommy no matter what.
I haven't accepted the fact that I may never get pregnant yet. I still hope and pray. What I do know, or think I know, is that God WILL give me children, but it will be according to His plan, not mine.
A perfect example of how God is in control: Remember this.
What was I thinking! Then God set me straight here
It was then, I was pretty confident that I would someday be baby N's mommy.
Thinking back to my "lesson", I know there is a reason I'm not pregnant now:
-maybe it's God's way of sparing me labor pains and morning sickness.
-maybe God has more babies he wants me to care for(or parent) whose parents cannot.
-maybe he doesn't want me pregnant now, because baby N has at least 3 major surgeries and knows another baby would be too much right now.
-maybe he wants to humor me and wait until I adopt a few kids first.
I will never know the reason, but I know one of my greatest gifts resulting from infertility is baby N!
Yes, I get tired when he keeps me up all night, but when I pick him up and his head goes on my shoulder and arms around my neck, it's all worth it!
More than anything, infertility has given me a greater respect for life. When baby N gives me fits, I know I am VERY blessed to have a little one to drive me crazy!
posted by Lisa @ 6:02 AM
5 Comments:
At 10:18 AM,
sourpatchbaby said…
Dream mommy, I don't even know what to say to you. My heart aches for you but it also rejoices in the fact that you have your precious baby N. I guess I only wanted you to know that over here in this side of your computer there are people that care about you and wish you the best. You can do all things through Christ who strenghtens you.
At 10:36 AM,
Julie said…
It is hard to imagine what the reasons could be but trying to figure it out is like trying to hold on to air. You just can't do it. I am sorry your dream of bearing children hasn't yet come true, I pray that God will bless you with it, or help you let it go. In the mean time, it is great that you are enjoying mommyhood with baby N. :) He sounds like he is soo happy and he sure looks like it too. Cutie!
At 10:05 PM,
CJ said…
I admit that adoptions lessens the pain of infertility, but it does not erase it all together. Even when it WOULD BE the worst timing, it still hurts when it doesn't happen. Only time eases that pain and I'm a LONG way off...even with two adoptions!
At 1:15 AM,
Baby Blues said…
We'll never comprehend God's will but we just have to trust Him. He surely knows what is best for us. Baby N is so blessed to have you! May God continue to bless you both.
At 8:03 AM,
TeamWinks said…
No matter what or whom you have to comfort you, infertility still hurts. Hang in there.
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