Open Adoption
I am not even considering putting this in the adoption contract, but what do you think I should do for Smiley's extended biological family?
Should I let him visit both biological grandmas? His paternal grandmother is actually a friend of ours. We've seen her a couple times since TPR, and bio dad has actually moved near where I used to live. Bio dad was ready to sign rights away throughout the whole time and wanted us to adopt him when he heard we had him. I've never met him though.
Anyway, Smiley's maternal bio grandma emailed me today because his sisters were asking about him and wanted to see him. Do you think I should allow this? I do not want to continue a relationship with his bio mom though. I doubt the requests for visits will come very often because in the almost 18 mos we had Smiley, she had L's cell phone number and never once called to visit.
Do you think I should allow sporadic visits or tell them if they are going to visit, they must visit consistently and not pop in and out of his life all the time?
I was just thinking that his sisters did nothing wrong. Will I be causing myself trouble?
I know I ultimately have to decide for myself but would appreciate your advice.
Should I let him visit both biological grandmas? His paternal grandmother is actually a friend of ours. We've seen her a couple times since TPR, and bio dad has actually moved near where I used to live. Bio dad was ready to sign rights away throughout the whole time and wanted us to adopt him when he heard we had him. I've never met him though.
Anyway, Smiley's maternal bio grandma emailed me today because his sisters were asking about him and wanted to see him. Do you think I should allow this? I do not want to continue a relationship with his bio mom though. I doubt the requests for visits will come very often because in the almost 18 mos we had Smiley, she had L's cell phone number and never once called to visit.
Do you think I should allow sporadic visits or tell them if they are going to visit, they must visit consistently and not pop in and out of his life all the time?
I was just thinking that his sisters did nothing wrong. Will I be causing myself trouble?
I know I ultimately have to decide for myself but would appreciate your advice.
posted by Lisa @ 10:45 AM
6 Comments:
At 12:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oof, what a tough situation. Living in a smaller town, it's inevitable that you will run into his birth family; no matter how you structure things now, there will be unavoidable meetings at the grocery store, park, etc.
I don't have any experience with this personally, so I don't have any been-there-done-that advice to share. I do think that you should consider how you would like Smiley to refer to these relatives, and go ahead and start using those names now. Share the names with the people, too, so that Smiley's biological grandmother doesn't come up to him and introduce herself as "Grandma," if you would prefer that she be "Mrs. Whoever." The simpler that things can be for a small child, the easier, IMO.
At 6:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Well, I can only speak as someone in a pair of shoes similar to those of Smiley.
I am not a wanted child, my biodad probably doesn't even know I exist, my biomom did not want me, so my maternal grandparents took me in at age 2. Until I was 9 (I am now 21) I had contact to my biomom, then she broke it (also the contact to the rest of her family).
My recommendation: allow the contact. Even if it's sporadic or ends someday, at least Smiley will be able to judge them himself, form his own opinion.
As for names: I always called biomom by her first name, while my grandparents are "Mama" and "Papa" for me.
best wishes, Nadine from Germany
At 7:25 PM,
Amanda said…
I think it would be good for him to know his bio siblings... I think adopted kids who know they have siblings really wonder about them and want to know they're OK.
Allowing visits doesn't mean that they will happen or they will be good for Smiley. But not allowing them guarantees it and also makes it a decision you made that Smiley might someday resent.
of course, all this is a moot point if you think that there could be any danger to Smiley from seeing them.
At 9:37 PM,
Lisa said…
The relatives are not dangerous. I'm not worried about him calling them grandma, because growing up, I had older family friends we would call maw maw and paw paw. I think you can never have too many grandparents. I'm just not sure about whether this will lead to Smiley wanting to visit his bio mom and dad, and I don't want an open adoption with them.
At 9:50 PM,
JUST A MOM said…
I would NOT do it... I think you would be opening up a BIG door,,,, We have 3, there are 2 older and 3 younger as of 8 years ago. We chose NOT to take the one after our youngest, He is in the next city. We both thought it best to let it go untill they are old enough to find each other themselves. Good luck
At 10:44 AM,
Unknown said…
I know several adults who were adopted and they all have been very thankful that they found siblings and some their birth parents. A couple of them started their search when they were teens. Family is important. I think we all deserve to know our family members no matter who they are or what they have done. It is a tough decision to make and I wish you all the luck in the world. Remember your first priority is to the child.
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