Baby N's mom showed up to the visit with his grandparents. She changed his clothes, so I guess she didn't like how I dressed him, but I did make effort to have him dressed nice. Court date is July 26, and judge will decide whether or not he remains in custody(I was hoping that would be the date to determine whether or not he would terminate rights).

A male co-worker asks how long we were TTC before adopting(although I'm not sure why I allowed myself to get into this conversation). When I said 2 years, he said I jumped the gun and it wasn't that long. He then proceeded to tell me his wife was driving him crazy during the whole 4 months it took them to get pregnant, and how she was mad that she got pg for the second one 10 days off BCP! That's really what I wanted to hear this morning.

I guess when you're adopting, Infertility is stamped in bright red on your forehead. I'm more open now than 2 years ago. What I thought was private, is no longer private when you suffer infertility. Even your sex life becomes casual conversation because you're discussing trying to create babies.

I feel like a previously infertile pg woman. I want to get excited, but fear and guilt keep me from being beaming happy. I am afraid that baby N will be returned home. I feel guilty and like I'm stealing him from his mommy. I wonder when he will really feel like he's mine(although he's not legally). I feel guilty praying we get to keep him. I feel funny when people ask me about my son, because I so desperately wish he was now.

I guess all these feelings are normal, and as Julie said, part of what I signed up for.