Baby on the way
I'm expecting a new addition by July the latest. We allowed Smiley to visit bio mom and grandma for Christmas. L had a talk with grandma about Smiley's mom's latest pregnancy(still chance of twins, runs in the family). Grandma asked if we were holding an opening for the new baby. He said yes. She was glad because she cannot raise anymore babies(already raising her first two girls). She then told L that there is no way Smiley's mom can care for a baby and the hospital will probably make a call when baby is born and she will call us. Grandma is not happy with daughter pregnant again and not able to care for it.
Things have not changed. Her mental ability remains the same. She does not know she can't take care of a baby. She still believes Smiley can eat things such as french fries when he cannot chew. She also minimizes his medical needs and developmental delays. She believes he will grow out of his disabilities. While all mothers hope for the best, she actually believes all his needs will disappear.
Anyway, what I was getting at was open adoption.
1. How do you feel about an open adoption when parental rights are terminated against mom's wishes(assuming mom poses no danger to the child)?
2. How do you feel about an open adoption when it is a child like Smiley, who does not understand, and may never understand that he has a different mommy that gave birth to him? In other words, should you make an effort at an open adoption for only bio mom's benefit?
3. What about bioligical siblings? Is it better for them to see their sibling once in a while, and miss him most of the time, or a clean break?
I guess what I'm saying is If I'm going to accept this placement, I need to find a good balance between allowing mom some access to her child, but keeping as little confusion for the child as possible. I just feel it would be wrong to completely cut her off after adopting two of her children, but I want them to have as much of a normal life as possible. Smiley doesn't know what's going on, but how would it affect a child who did know what was going on? How would I explain that they cannot stay at her house alone(although she won't hurt them, she's not competent enough to care for them)?
What amount of visits sound reasonable? Smiley usually visits a few times around the holidays, then we usually take a break for a few months, then once every few months.
I just want to do the right thing if I am placed with her new baby.
Things have not changed. Her mental ability remains the same. She does not know she can't take care of a baby. She still believes Smiley can eat things such as french fries when he cannot chew. She also minimizes his medical needs and developmental delays. She believes he will grow out of his disabilities. While all mothers hope for the best, she actually believes all his needs will disappear.
Anyway, what I was getting at was open adoption.
1. How do you feel about an open adoption when parental rights are terminated against mom's wishes(assuming mom poses no danger to the child)?
2. How do you feel about an open adoption when it is a child like Smiley, who does not understand, and may never understand that he has a different mommy that gave birth to him? In other words, should you make an effort at an open adoption for only bio mom's benefit?
3. What about bioligical siblings? Is it better for them to see their sibling once in a while, and miss him most of the time, or a clean break?
I guess what I'm saying is If I'm going to accept this placement, I need to find a good balance between allowing mom some access to her child, but keeping as little confusion for the child as possible. I just feel it would be wrong to completely cut her off after adopting two of her children, but I want them to have as much of a normal life as possible. Smiley doesn't know what's going on, but how would it affect a child who did know what was going on? How would I explain that they cannot stay at her house alone(although she won't hurt them, she's not competent enough to care for them)?
What amount of visits sound reasonable? Smiley usually visits a few times around the holidays, then we usually take a break for a few months, then once every few months.
I just want to do the right thing if I am placed with her new baby.
posted by Lisa @ 9:04 AM
12 Comments:
At 11:23 AM,
Unknown said…
What I don't like is you automatically assume you should get this new baby because grandma thinks that mom isn't yet ready to be a mom, and because you think mom isn't yet ready to be a mom...
Birthparents aren't breeding cows for adoptive parents. Just because they've placed once or three times doesn't matter. It should never be taken for granted that you will get a new child from them just because they are pregnant again or a family member thinks they can't parent. There are all sorts of resources out there for struggling new moms.
At 12:10 PM,
StarfishMom said…
WE SPEAK...BE nice or be quiet. Welcome to reality. My former foster son was the youngest of 6 children his parents had and DID NOT have custody of. Now he is a big brother. His baby sister was taken from the hospital to try to spare her from being shaken like her big brother. The bio parents do not understand that they have NO CLUE when it comes to raising children. They can barely make it themselves and are one step from being homeless. Your attitude is not welcomed here and if you'd like to make a difference in this world, go and try helping out the homeless in you community. Stay away from this blog!
At 12:16 PM,
StarfishMom said…
L, It has taken quite a while for me to even TRY to like Daisy's bios. After 7 months it has gotten easier. It's hard to see what they did to their baby and then treat them like normal human beings...KWIM??? I DO realizer that having certain info from the bios is priceless and by keeping the lines of communication open, you'll only benefit. BUT obvious boundaries will need to be set. Ie- YOU and hubby are mommy and daddy, no unannounced visits...
I always had thoughts that when we adopted we'd want to have a closed adoption but after having some of these kids in our home and getting to know thier parents, I think I'd go for a semi-open adoption. It's a hard decision to make but I know that when the time comes, you'll know what to do.
At 4:52 PM,
Sparks said…
I was all ready to chew on "We Speak Firmly" but....Queen of the castle beat me to it! DARN!!
How fun, I hope that everything works out for you! And from following you since Smily came into your home I do believe that your home will be the best place for the new baby or babies!
On the adoption front. I do believe that its a personal choice. And what ever you chose, you will do it for your family.
At 4:43 AM,
Micky said…
We Speak,
She is not assuming, gradma asked her if she could take the baby.
If Smiley and the other children are not with her it most be a good reason for that.
Take your negativity somewhere else and get a life.
At 11:04 AM,
Amanda said…
I'll go back to the open adoption questions, since I am in the middle of the two of them now.
I think more openness is always better, as long as everyone's role in the relationship is clear - that you and L are the the forever parents, even though the baby has first parents too. While it could be hard when they are little, I think that maintaining openness is very important so that children can learn their stories first hand. There never has to be a question about your honesty in the situation if the information comes directly from the parties involved.
But it comes down to doing what you're comfortable with... it's easy for us to be open with Lily's family because they all want Lily to be with us and are genuinely nice people. I'm not sure what it would look like if there were developmental delays and other issues to consider.
On another note, have you considered allowing mom to voluntarily terminate parental rights on the baby so you don't have to involve the county and deal with all that drama? Just curious.
At 11:37 AM,
SD said…
Ok, I think somewhere I have read comments from "we speak" before...or another person similar. Same attitude toward foster to adopt parnts.
We speak,
I do not know who you are or where your from-but your comments basically make you look like a pissed off birth parent (excuse my frankness here) What you have to say could hold some merrit but---in my travels....the birth parents I have come to know who lost parental rights--WAS THE RIGHT THING in the best interest of the child....and ya know what? Many MANY go and get pregnant over and over again.... thinking "I can keep the next one" or they would like to eat better and get WIC....or whatever! But usually they do not really care about the unborn child. They lost rights for a reason! They are not equipped to be safe parents. No matter how much they may even love the kid...Ok, some can be--or at least are given a try (at least in my County) they give birth parents a good fighting chance. But some like the ones I have known are pretty much incubators! And those babies get into the loving arms of decent parents. Wake up. Think of these kids. No one is resigned to your opinion in this blog-why bark up the wrong tree-or do you prefer to just stir the pot? Is it fun? I hope for whatever reason you feel so angry with adoptive parents-that things get better for you, and you have peace and understanding.
As far as open adoption stuff-I have a situation on the table like that as well. But in my situation it is still being really thought out-as the parents are NOT safe with the child, abuse case and all-the ties will possibly be cut for safety reasons. But with the right birth parents I think open adoptions can be a good thing--as long as everyone understands their roles (like Amanda said)
I think you just need to look at if it is not a good situation then don't--but if their is no safety concerns and they do love the child but could not raise them--then yes. But guidelines should be clear.
At 11:45 AM,
Cozyquilter.mom said…
De-lurking here to say,
Although I have not had experience with children other than my own, I did have a very strong willed Son.
He skipped and managed to get into trouble from the age of 14 on.
My Husband set up a password system from Windows on the computer and we are able to control the computer activity of our children. I know it was a part of Window's package, and I don't think that it was all that difficult to do.
They do grow out of the difficult stage, but it is usually after they get away from thier peers. My son was in his 20's before he was trustworthy.
Good Luck to you,
Just a little suggestion.
At 8:06 AM,
Lisa said…
Ok, I'm not assuming, but there are a few facts that make it highly likely that the baby may be placed with me:
1. Her rights have been terminated by the court on THREE children!
2. She is not a recovering drug addict or alcoholic that has made changes. She does not, and will not ever have the mental capacity to care for a baby(which is why I'd try to let her have visits, to some extent.)She would unkowingly do things that would put a baby in danger. She never killed Smiley IN THE HOSPITAL trying to feed him. He was turning blue and she continued feeding as nothing was happening...
3. Grandma is the only family she has able to take the child, is currently raising Smiley's older sisters, 6 and 9, near her upper fifties and said she cannot raise more babies. I suppose she could change her mind, but she held firm with Smiley. Also, she's been doing some things she shouldn't with the girls.
4. She cannot(or does not want to)work. Boyfriend(dad) living with her off her SSI. He worked 3 months out of the 3 years I known him. I know nothing of his family, but I do know they are not helping him in anyway, becuase anytime there's a problem, grandma is callled.
5. If the baby is taken into foster care, she would request us rather than the baby going to a stranger.
I've considered asking for a private open adoption, but I know mom would not go for it. She believes she can care for a baby.
At 10:37 AM,
Mom2*2gr8kids said…
How was Smiley on Christmas this year? Do we get to see pics? :)
At 12:18 PM,
StarfishMom said…
OH yes!!! Pictures would be WONDERFUL!!! L, I am STILL holding strong that your baby GIRL is on the way. Did you ever just have a 'feeling'??? That's all I got and I'm goin' on that!!! :)
:::pink vibes:::
At 12:29 AM,
Nomes said…
I think smiley is blessed to have a family to grow up safely in and one who loves him with all his special needs..sometimes the reality is bios really have little abilty to parent the kids they give birth to and the best interests of the kids needs to always come first..I too am a foster mum with a special smiley boy..it angers me to think people like we speak firmly seems to think we take our role as ground for gathering kids.Get real the bios cant parent them...so why punish the kids by leaving them in unsafe situations.There are resources but sadly the majority put themselves first rather than their precious children.
Cheers Nomes
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