The Other Side

6 years ago when I began the infertility journey, I often wondered if I would ever make it to the other side...the side where I had children. I just knew that having children would erase the pain of infertility. I was wrong.

After all we've been through: infertility, surgeries, IUIs, other treatments, foster care, burying Princess, more foster care, 3 adoptions and finally pregnancy, I found out that infertility still haunts me. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have my 4 children and couldn't be happier, but knowing my next pregnancy could be another 6 years away(if ever) still kinda makes me sad.

We started TTC as soon as my period returned after having my daughter. I am ashmaed to say that I stopped breastfeeding(even though she was only taking expressed breastmilk from a bottle)after only 2 months so we could start TTC again. I mean, the first 18 months after birth are supposed to be your most fertile time, could we really afford to waste these fertile months? Of course not. Now, feeling bad about quitting breastfeeding so soon, becuase it was stupid, because the chances of us getting pregnant again are slim to none. To try to resolve some of the guilt, I'm making my own baby food for her, and this time I'm getting the purree to work perfectly!

I have almost convinced myself not to get my hopes up this time TTC, as if the pain will be any less when it doesn't work. My family feels complete after my daughter was born, but being pregnant made me realize how much I was missing out. I replay the day of my daughter's birth over and over in my head and smile at how huge of a miracle she was.

Smiley is growing like crazy and becoming more of a challenge. His body is growing, but his brain is not. Imagine a baby just learning to walk, into EVERYTTHING, don't understand what "no" means yet, and no sense of danger. Well, that's Smiley, in a 5 year old body, except he will not likely grow past it. Little everyday tasks are a physical struggle for me: he rolls and escapes and runs around the room naked as I run after him with a diaper, begging him to let me dress him. In the tub, he likes to stand up and dive head first into the water. Yes, I try to hold him, but he's slippery when wet, so when mommy grabs for the soap, Smiley goes to town acting like a fish. He's a handful, but the most lovable of my children and definitely the most happy.

K is having some behavioral issues so is in Youth Challenge Program ran by the National Guard, where he will attempt to get his GED and learn some adult reponsiblities.

J is still working on potty training. I know boys are difficult, but he's almost 4 1/2 years old. He's in underwear most of the day and can some days go without accidents, but still diapers at night. One step at a time.

That's about all that's going on. Is anyone still hanging around here?